I just need to say these things so maybe the rest of my day I will be free from the constant barrage of these thoughts.
How can two people be so miserable but stay together? Each day is a struggle. We have nothing in common except our children and grandchildren--and that's a whole lot of something there, but what I mean is nothing in common when we are not with them, which is most of the time.
He let himself go. People do not do that when they love their lives and the people in their lives, particularly the person they married. I let myself go. He is letting all of his teeth fall out, refuses to go get a horrid looking cyst the size of a golf ball removed from his neck, weighs 127 pounds and looks like he just left Auschwitz. His face is gaunt, his pants falling off, his arms like skeleton arms.
I am just the opposite. I am a whale of a woman--262 at my highest, but I may weigh more now. I refuse to weigh myself at this time. I am drinking so much more to just try to get a mental break from this suffocating despair. I have skinflap things on my neck, need my teeth cleaned, and need a real haircut. I, too, have let myself fall into apathy and poor self-hygiene. People who love their lives and the person they are married to do not do that.
He does not read. He does not like most of the movies I watch. He is conservative and will no longer talk about liking the idiot who got this country in the worse mess it's ever been in, so I have no one to share those feelings with. He does not like to work in the yard or the garden and could not care less if I had plants or trees or vegetables growing. He does not listen to music. He has no hobbies. He goes nowhere (hard to go anywhere right now during the pandemic, but he didn't go anywhere prior to that). He has friends, but he doesn't contact them. They call him on occasion and prior to the pandemic, they invited him to go places, but he didn't go. He is here in the house with me 24/7. If he is not on the computer, he is sitting on the couch in the study doing nothing He does nothing most of the day.
I have no friends. I have people who like me and who occasionally text me, but pre-pandemic, I was here at home (after retiring in July 2018) for a year and a half, and only one person came to my home to see me--Becca. I have some hobbies. I watch the birds, I take pictures, and I spend time editing the pictures. I share them on FB. I read, and I play Solitaire on my phone. I can do many other things, but I don't feel like it. I spend much of my day in the back bedroom lying down just so I can feel like I am getting away. Just so I feel like I have some personal time. I have never had personal time in all of the years we have been married. I went straight from my parents' house to being married. I didn't know that he was going to stop working and be home all of the time. I thought I was going to have some alone time in my retirement. I think I would feel more motivated to paint the bathroom, redo the dining room, start sketching, etc. Those are things I feel I need space and no interruptions to do. But, there is none of that for me.
We have no couples friends, so even before the pandemic, we never went anywhere nor had anyone over. None of this is healthy for either of us. I do not like to envy other people, but I do envy the people who have a life partner with whom they love to spend time with. Those people are generally much healthier.
I do not know what to do. I do not know what I would do without him. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to ask him to leave when he's struggling to hang on. I do not know that I want a divorce. I just know this is not healthy. Every day, I have physical symptoms, but I do not know what is causing them. My stomach hurts often, I have indigestion and acid reflux, and I have diarrhea if I take Tums. I also start sweating profusely for no discernible reason. Especially my head. My scalp gets soaked, and my hair gets as wet as if I had just taken a shower. I think it's a combination of anxiety and blood sugar issues. Regardless, it's miserable. I do not know what to do except try to get through another day, try to find something I like to do and do it today (I did go outside to see if I could get a picture of the hummingbird I have been seeing, but I didn't get one). I just cooked breakfast (at 11:00), and I feel like going back into the dark back bedroom and lying down again, which I think I may need to keep doing until I can figure out a way to start trying to change my unhealthy ways. I hope getting this out helps me today.