Sunday, August 02, 2020

Two People

Sunday morning. 1st Sunday of August. Months into the pandemic.

I just need to say these things so maybe the rest of my day I will be free from the constant barrage of these thoughts. 

How can two people be so miserable but stay together? Each day is a struggle.  We have nothing in common except our children and grandchildren--and that's a whole lot of something there, but what I mean is nothing in common when we are not with them, which is most of the time.

He let himself go. People do not do that when they love their lives and the people in their lives, particularly the person they married. I let myself go.  He is letting all of his teeth fall out, refuses to go get a horrid looking cyst the size of a golf ball removed from his neck, weighs 127 pounds and looks like he just left Auschwitz. His face is gaunt, his pants falling off, his arms like skeleton arms.

I am just the opposite. I am a whale of a woman--262 at my highest, but I may weigh more now. I refuse to weigh myself at this time. I am drinking so much more to just try to get a mental break from this suffocating despair.  I have skinflap things on my neck, need my teeth cleaned, and need a real haircut. I, too, have let myself fall into apathy and poor self-hygiene. People who love their lives and the person they are married to do not do that. 

He does not read. He does not like most of the movies I watch. He is conservative and will no longer talk about liking the idiot who got this country in the worse mess it's ever been in, so I have no one to share those feelings with.  He does not like to work in the yard or the garden and could not care less if I had plants or trees or vegetables growing.  He does not listen to music.  He has no hobbies. He goes nowhere (hard to go anywhere right now during the pandemic, but he didn't go anywhere prior to that).  He has friends, but he doesn't contact them. They call him on occasion and prior to the pandemic, they invited him to go places, but he didn't go. He is here in the house with me 24/7.  If he is not on the computer, he is sitting on the couch in the study doing nothing  He does nothing most of the day. 

I have no friends. I have people who like me and who occasionally text me, but pre-pandemic, I was here at home (after retiring in July 2018) for a year and a half, and only one person came to my home to see me--Becca.  I have some hobbies. I watch the birds, I take pictures, and I spend time editing the pictures. I share them on FB. I read, and I play Solitaire on my phone. I can do many other things, but I don't feel like it.  I spend much of my day in the back bedroom lying down just so I can feel like I am getting away.  Just so I feel like I have some personal time.  I have never had personal time in all of the years we have been married. I went straight from my parents' house to being married. I didn't know that he was going to stop working and be home all of the time. I thought I was going to have some alone time in my retirement. I think I would feel more motivated to paint the bathroom, redo the dining room,  start sketching, etc. Those are things I feel I need space and no interruptions to do.  But, there is none of that for me.  

We have no couples friends, so even before the pandemic, we never went anywhere nor had anyone over.  None of this is healthy for either of us.  I do not like to envy other people, but I do envy the people who have a life partner with whom they love to spend time with.  Those people are generally much healthier. 

I do not know what to do. I do not know what I would do without him. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to ask him to leave when he's struggling to hang on.  I do not know that I want a divorce.  I just know this is not healthy.  Every day, I have physical symptoms, but I do not know what is causing them. My stomach hurts often, I have indigestion and acid reflux, and I have diarrhea if I take Tums.  I also start sweating profusely for no discernible reason. Especially my head. My scalp gets soaked, and my hair gets as wet as if I had just taken a shower.  I think it's a combination of anxiety and blood sugar issues. Regardless, it's miserable.  I do not know what to do except try to get through another day, try to find something I like to do and do it today (I did go outside to see if I could get a picture of the hummingbird I have been seeing, but I didn't get one).  I just cooked breakfast (at 11:00), and I feel like going back into the dark back bedroom and lying down again, which I think I may need to keep doing until I can figure out a way to start trying to change my unhealthy ways.  I hope getting this out helps me today.  

Sunday, July 26, 2020

When People Blame Others For Everything

This rings so true. A person who said I was his/her friend deleted a thread that contained my thoughts. I was cut off. That was a message that I crossed a line that he/she would not tolerate. Friends, in my estimation, do not delete the comments of their friends.. They may leave the discussion alone and private message the friend, or they may respond in the thread saying they disagree, or they may thank the friend for being able to feel free enough to state his or her feelings on their FB/Instagram page.  I had to set a boundary knowing I was not allowed to speak the truth as I saw it. The person spoke quite negatively about me many times after that. It is not to that person's credit that they never named me because I could read what that person wrote, and I knew what negative feelings that person harbored in his/her thoughts. Whether anyone else knew or not did not matter. I knew. I was called passive aggressive for my previous comments throughout the years on that person's FB/Instagram page. That person apparently does not see his/her own passive aggressive and controlling tendencies. It would be good if this person I know could stop blaming everyone else when others stop contacting him/her and try to see that sometimes, he/she carries much of the responsibility for losing contact with friends and family. It has been hard for me to read his/her negative comments knowing they were addressed at me, but I know that the person was not, and is not, still today, ready to take any responsibility for his/her actions. I own my part--speaking my mind on his/her thread on FB. If I cannot do that without my words being deleted, then how can I really matter to that person? How is it friendship if you cannot say what you think? That person made a suggestion that anyone who did not agree with her/him just unfriend them right then and there. I did not do that. It seems sophomoric and immature and not helpful. The comment itself was representative of someone very insecure who feels they must bully anyone who questions their statements or who needs to feel "right" all of the time. All of that was before COVID-19 reared its ugly, deadly head. I think about this person, and I feel, and will most likely always feel, I am owed an apology for having my thoughts deleted. That was like hanging up the phone on someone you say you care about. I am not going to post a "threat" to unfriend the person I am writing about. I don't really know why I chose to speak of this tonight other than the fact that this meme popped up, and it made me think about all of the nonsense, how hurtful it has been to me, and how much I wanted to say something but knew I would just continue to be the scapegoat for that person's other issues. And, it bothers me that I still let that nonsense bother me. We all see things the way we see them. I spoke my mind. I got cut off. That was a message to me that my words did not matter.

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

If

If a never have a true, real friend before I leave this Earth, should I at least not care about what surrounds me every day, for myself? I have been letting so many things go in this house, but this house is all I have.  I am grateful for it.  Grateful I am not on the streets and don't live in a double-wide. I don't say that to bash anyone, and I would be grateful for a doublewide or single mobile home if that is all I could afford.  I lived in one for 8 years in the early years of my marriage. 

It becomes increasingly harder to want to write anything.  I just repeat what I have been saying for years, and I make so many typos that I get tired of having to go back and correct them.

The pandemic is raging,  The Orange Idiot is sending troops into cities (we are becoming an authoritarian country), things are bad everywhere.  I don't want to elaborate.  I am too tired.

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

My Children

I know I have let all of my children down in so many ways. I know there are many ways I did not let them down, but my heart is heavy in the knowing that I was not the best mom I could have been.  I wasn't, and I can never go back and make things any different.

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Did not get my order

I still have not received this order.  My only option now is to file a claim with PayPal so hopefully I will get reimbursed.  I am copy/pasting this and keeping a copy in my send folder.  You have seemed completely nonplussed by this, but it has troubled me.  I guess it's just business as usual for you, and I wish you the best going forward, but you need to be more sensitive and helpful to the people who order from you and never get their order.

When he says

When he says I am being a bitch, that's a good thing. It means he is feeling angry and standing up for himself.  He hasn't done that in a long time but has been doing it more and more lately.  Maybe he is coming out of his funk.  I can be a bitch.  I am a bitch sometimes.

Thursday, June 04, 2020

Lauren's beautiful words about Grandma

It's true life does not stop for death, but it can give pause. -A caesura demarcating the banal from the extraordinary moment a soul moves away forever from this earth--a break in the beat of time that marches on, otherwise steadfast and impervious to earthly sentiment like love and loss.
Recently, I packed my little family up and left for Europe, having said goodbye to my grandmother whom I knew was not much longer for this earth. I was caught between the decision of canceling my trip so I could lay in wait for this moment or continuing on with life and the commitment to seeing the world and educating my daughter on life beyond our own yard. “That is what [my] grandmother would want” everyone kept saying, and therefore, I was hoping I had made peace with letting her go. With my eyes fixed on pragmatism, I was hoping life could keep on going for us. My grandmother’s decline has been gradual with death foreseeable, and in some ways, even ideal. Hospice helped us keep her comfortable and we shared final moments with her. Death was almost organized. Alas, the eyes and the heart are entirely different organs and the finality of loss delivers emotions that transcend intellectualization.
Hence, we returned early from our wandering venture so I could pay respect to my grandmother who took her last breath on May 28, just two months shy of her 97th birthday. I cannot know what exactly my grandma Marie would have wanted for me and my little family at this moment, but I do know seeing her one last time before the earth eternally swallows her up is the right thing. I am grateful life has given me these moments—to say goodbye, to see the world, to return home—and the ability to make bold decisions. Through such decisions, I hope to teach my daughter love for this life, this planet, different cultures, and the humility to understand it is a privilege to be able to explore life beyond your own. I also hope to instill in her a deep sense of respect for those who came before us: those who lived so that we could live; those who worked hard so that life could maybe be easier for us; those who suffered quietly so that we could suffer less. My grandma Marie endured so much loss and did so with great poise. She was born before the Great Depression; she lost her mother to tuberculosis when she was only around 5 years old; she survived three husbands and a son as well as all her siblings but one. I cannot imagine bidding farewell to so many of those you hold dear and keeping the strength to face life as it keeps on going.
I once asked her if I could write about her life; without a moment’s thought she responded that some things were too painful to discuss. I think she was trying to save me from her suffering. With the burial of her body, her pains are also buried. And with the burial of her body is also buried an artifact of so much history. Goodbye to that vessel carrying another time in history, and thank you, Lottie Marie, for all you gave in your 96 years. Thank you for modeling strength, courage, and poise and how to make bold decisions when life keeps pushing on. You live within us as we keep on going.

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

A Mother's Day Post on FB from 2016 or 2017

It's not Mother's Day yet, but I will be busy tomorrow and want to share a message. All of us were born by women. Some of us never knew that woman, but many of us did. Some have lost their mothers to death and others to indifference, substance abuse, mental illness or abandonment. For those who have lost their mothers, my sympathy is with you. For those whose mothers are physically still present but emotionally and physically absent, I am so terribly sorry and send my empathy and hope. For those who were fortunate enough to know love from your mother, I am most grateful for you and hope you realize the beauty in that. For those who are estranged from your mother, I'm hopeful you will find a path which leads to understanding. For those of you who are mothers, I hope you have a relationship with your children in which you can embrace the shared interests, forgive the differences of opinion, & look forward to time together. I hope that love for them you first felt when they moved inside of you for the first time and looked at you for the first time and made you laugh and made you cry and broke your heart and resolve many times is still sound and true and the most real and visceral thing you've ever known. And, for those of you who have children who now also have children, may you be present in their lives as often as you can. May you appreciate each moment with them. For all the mothers out there, I send happy Mother's Day wishes & hope you get to see your child/children. For all who have lost your mother, may you find a good memory to hold on to or may you find a place of forgiveness and peace if there were no good memories. I send a Happy Mother's Day wish to my daughter who is such a caring, loving, whimsical, energetic, & ambitious mother to Zollie and conscientious and loving mother-to-be for my grandson who is due in October. Rock on!