Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sunday, 1:31 PM

Another unbearably hot day today. I attempted
to do some yard work, but I was sweating so profusely
that I couldn't keep the salt from stinging my eyes,
so I just gave up on it and came back in.

I feel I am just about at the end of my rope. Despair
does not even come close to describing what I feel.

Useless, worthless, hopeless, unwanted, unneeded,
unappreciated, unvalued, unemployed--still.

I would never have thought that this is where I would
be in my life at the age of 49. I've always been a hard
worker, and I've always had the opportunity in the positions
I've held to feel useful, helpful, fortunate, appreciated,
respected, needed. I go from that to this--this lying around
in bed until 8 or 9 in the morning. This never dressing up
or trying to look nice. This never wearing make-up anymore.
This not caring how I look because it obviously makes
no difference. This not caring about words anymore, about
communicating, about wanting to engage in stimulating,
edifying, and interesting conversation. This inability to
even retrieve the words to have such a conversation.

This day after day drudgery which I try to minimalize
by making myself useful here at home. Trying out new
meals, trying to keep the yard looking decent, trying
to keep the house picked up, trying to keep laundry
done, trying to be involved.

I just go around in a fog every day. I am so depressed.

Since my father was life-flighted on March 26, 2006,
my life has not been the same. His death on April 20
of that same year, my father-in-law's massive heart
attack and subsequent physical setbacks, the loss of my
job, receiving my degree at the age of 46, 3.97 gpa,
not even given the opportunity to wear the honor
ropes or stoles because I was a transfer student, no
little asterisk by my name in the program, no jobs
offered to me, no unemployment initially because
I was a part-time student, so the powers that be
decided I would not seriously look for full-time work
(after working full-time for 20 years and going to
school anywhere from PT to FT through part of that
20 years of work).

With every perceived failure, and with my self-efficacy
skills severely lacking (self-loathing a lifelong state
of mind for me), I grow more and more despondent.

Those who profess to care for me are giving up on me
or have given up on me. They have no clue what it is
to feel like this.

And what can I do? The only thing I have control
over is how much I drink, so I drink a helluva lot,
and I appreciate the way it alters my perceptions
and allows me some time to fucking forget the hell
that is my life right now. The loneliness, the loss of
passion, the indifference to physical health and well-being,
the wear and tear of it all showing clearly on my once
quite attractive face. My weight is ballooning and I don't
care. I do these things like take walks and work in the
yard but to no avail. I don't lose any weight. I just
get hot and sweaty and I hate the heat and I hate
exercise and I only keep it up because I fear what I
will do if I give it up.

I need help.

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