Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sunday morning (coming down alright)

Woke from a troubling dream. Was back in my
old office only it was three times larger
than it was when I lost my job. I sat at my
computer and acted like I was still part of everything
knowing full well I had no business in that office
and on that computer. A former coworker came in
and I told her how much worse I was, how each day
I grew more and more despondent, how I would
only be in there for a short while. She closed the door
and called the woman who fired me. Then a girl came
in with a large bag containing 3 neon green poster
boards. She said the boss sent them for me. I told
her I didn't work there any longer, but she said "they"
were on their way and handed me the bag.

I knew then that someone was coming to get me--
the police, the boss, a committee, doctors. I kept
trying to find a way out, but the building was a maze
and I could not find a door. I opened a window
and climbed out into a school yard. It was pouring
down rain. I was trying to figure out how to get back in
and get my purse and my child. But I couldn't get out
of the fenced-in grassy yard outside of the building.

So I just stood there in the rain and started to cry
and tremble. And I woke up, heart palpitating.

That was 5:30 this morning. I finally went back to sleep
after my old boy, Dante, climbed into bed and curled up
next to me. I put my arm across him and fell back asleep.

The last three days have been extremely difficult. I want
to write things down in my journal, but I can do nothing more
than open it, pick the pen up, wonder where to start with
how I feel, decide it's best not to write about how I feel,
and then I close it. So this is the best I can do for me now.

Just write here. Just give myself enough to feel some release.

If not for my children, I am not sure how I would be doing.
Oldest son invited me over for dinner on Friday night. Being
with my grandson is so healing. Yesterday, the two of them
came over here to visit, and my youngest son and I played
Scrabble and then went to the photography studio to have
his senior pictures taken.

Last night a friend brought over a movie--Zeitgeist. I have some
research I'd like to do regarding some of the info in the film.
I thought it was most interesting.

I finally got up at 10 this morning. I rolled over, looked at the
clock, said Oh sh**--poor Molly! I don't know how she didn't
have an accident, but she was fine.

Cooked brunch--sautéed chopped green pepper and onion
in a little olive oil. Chopped some kale and added it.
Sprinkled that with kosher salt and pepper. Mixed
4 eggs, some hot sauce, a little milk, and some salt
and pepper in a bowl and poured that over everything.
Then I added chopped ham and shredded provolone
and sharp cheddar cheese to the whole shebang, slapped
a lid on it, and let the omelet slowly cook (which makes
it nice and puffy--the way I like omelets). While it was cooking,
I cut up some watermelon and cantelope and mixed those together.

My son and I shared the omelet. It was all tasty. Of course,
I had to have my glass of milk and one piece of Ghiradelli
dark chocolate, too.

I'm gonna be alright. I am. I am.


karen said...

I hope so. You seem like a fascinating person. Blessings.

Maggie said...

Good to hear from you again, Karen. I need all the blessings I can get--thank you!

Much heaviness in my heart lately, and to be honest, there always has been. I want so much just to let life happen and to live in the now.

I walked 2 miles today. That helped. Day to day here.

karen said...

I think I understand. Going through a few of those times myself. Walking does help.

Calder said...


Thoughts and prayers friend. Hope the holiday weekend brings some cheer.

Peace and love!