Two Monkeys by Brueghel

I keep dreaming of my graduation exam:

in a window sit two chained monkeys,

beyond the window floats the sky,

and the sea splashes.

I am taking an exam on the history of mankind:

I stammer and flounder.

One monkey, eyes fixed upon me, listens ironically,

the other seems to be dozing--

and when silence follows a question,

he prompts me

with a soft jingling of the chain.

Wislawa Szymborska

(trans. from the Polish by Magnus Kryski)

Driving Home, 2:30 a.m.

This is the beauty of on call, I decide,
as I turn east before I head north:
what must be the moon looks like the sun,

confused and unsure of when it's supposed
to be showing itself. Too large for a moon,
I say, as I look at the chin, glowing burnt

orange, a black funeral veil concealing
most of the visage. The city is hushed
and unhurried, most of the houses darkened

now, the neon lights of industry glowing
though no one lurks the halls or frequents
the bathrooms. It is enough to sustain me

on my drive home. I don't need coffee.
I need to know the man in room 27,
lying there in the bright lights of trauma,

is going to get help, is going to come back home
to those he loves and those who love him,
is going to be the man he was before all the death

and loss, before the changes that define him now,
before he felt himself slipping into a place
he cannot name, a place he does not want to be,

a place he hopes he can leave. My hope lies
in the silence, in the 19 degrees of cold, in the slightest
bit of light this frigid night offers, spreading out

in the blackness, willing itself to be seen.

Thursday morning

Just having a cup of coffee and poking around here.
I have 30 minues before I am supposed to be at work,
and I am still sitting here in my sweats, my hair wet,
no makeup on, etc. But the clinic is only a few miles
from here, and I've been putting is some late nights,
so I'm not gonna get too bent if I'm a little late.

Crisis has its own agenda. Supposed to leave at 5, but if
a call comes in at 4:50 for an assessment, then I have to
stay until that assessment is complete. If that assessment
warrants calling in a clinician for hospitalization, then I
have to wait for them. If they agree with my assessment,
then I have to put a plan in place for hospitalization.
If it's voluntary, it takes time, but it takes much longer
if it's an involuntary hospitalization. That's just the nature
of things.

********************************

I woke from the most wonderful dream I have had in a very
long time. I read somewhere recently that only bores
tell their dreams. Not sure I buy that, as I have read other
people's dreams on their blogs, or I've listened to other people
discuss their dreams, and I don't find them boring. I don't quite
get the significance of them at times, but I don't find them boring.

That being said, mine really was boring!

My first love was in it. We were the age we are now, but we
were acting like 16 and 20 year olds. I remember him smiling
at me, his arms open, and me jumping into his arms, wrapping
my legs around his waist, his cerulean eyes looking
into mine with a reverence and love. We smiled at each other,
he kissed me and said You'll always be my honey-haired, long-
legged, brown-skinned baby. Cheesy, I know, but I woke
feeling the way ya feel when love is so new and so all-consuming.
The way you feel when you know it's never going to end.

Then in the next sequence, a woman I've had some issues with
in the past, appeared. We made our amends. The dream was long
and involved with an Alice in Wonderland sort of quality to it.
But we are friends now. I feel it. What has passed is in the past.
I feel this tremendous burden lifted.

*************************

8:10 and counting. Guess I best go get ready for another day in crisis!

John Prine - Sam Stone - 1989

John 20 years ago...the years and cancer have taken their toll on John, but he sang this last night. He sounded so strong--voice clear--the whole Palace hushed.

Angel from Montgomery by John Prine and Bonnie Raitt

Just got home from Louisville...saw John Prine (sans Bonnie Raitt). He was amazing...so glad I got to see him.

Today

is Veteran's Day. My father is a (or I guess I should
say "was" a 30 year Navy vet), but I didn't think about
it much until a few minutes ago when I turned on the tv
and the History channel was showing a film about Guam.

Dad was there. Dad was so many places I know he wished
he'd never been.

Mom told me yesterday that his picture would be in the paper
today. She sent in information for a spread the paper does
every year for Veteran's Day. She asked me to make copies
for my siblings, and I told her I would. I saw the spread this
morning but closed the paper immediately when I saw Dad.

And I had not thought of the day or Dad since.

Yesterday, I was driving to another town about 40 miles
from here for training. I was southbound. I was about 2 miles
into my drive when I had to get out of the passing lane
and back into the far right because a huge animal (a deer,
I assume) was splattered in the passing lane. It must have
just been hit before I got there because steam was still
rising from its warm body in the 30 degree morning air.

I got about 20 more miles down the road and an ambulance,
northbound, was heading toward home. I thought about my
dad and about his last trip on this planet. He was brought home
from Louisville in an ambulance. He was facing the rear, so things
were very confusing to him. He was confused enough.

I don't understand why someone else didn't understand the
need to cover the window or have the patient faced in the
direction he or she would normally face in a vehicle.

It was all so troubling for him. I spent most of the rest
of the day thinking about what he told me when he
arrived here in town.

I guess I thought I would be better by now. And I guess
I am, but I wonder if I'll ever really be better. If I'll ever
not think about those last days of his life. If I'll ever just let
myself remember the good days.

I can't get there. I can't see them. I can't feel them.

Lucinda Williams - World Without Tears (live)

Listened to this today on my way to another training. I want to go see her again soon!