Dixie called a few days ago and thanked me for being a friend. She said she was feeling all emotional and sentimental and felt she wanted to tell me how much my friendship means to her. She said I allowed her or let her be herself and she appreciated that. I was glad she called. She lets me be me, too, but I am not ever all me with anyone. I feel I can't be, and I lose out, time and time again.
I was thinking about the friend thing. I want a friend who lets me be me, but I don't think my friends can let me be me because they love or care deeply about Robin, so I can't really be me. I also need a friend who can take care of me for whatever amount of time it takes, and I don't have a friend who can do that. One friend is an evangelical. I would not feel comfortable staying at her home. I have stayed with her, and I feel negative vibes from her husband. I could not just go there and crash. I want a friend who will let me sleep all day (something I have never done in my life and likely won't do until I am out of it. I want a friend who cooks everything for me and cleans up. I am tired of doing all of that and don't want to do my part of cooking and cleaning. I want a friend who lets me sip my margaritas in the evening and blather on about poetry, music, art, politics, movies. I do not drink during the day and don't plan to make that a part of my life, and I know I need to cut down the evening toddies, but they keep me going in all of my aloneness.
I ask for too much, and that is why I don't really have a friend.