Wondering

I seem to be having a hard time thinking or remembering some things. Maybe I am just so depressed and anxious to think clearly many days.  Here is an example:

I planned to cook chili to have when the kids got in Wednesday night for Thanksgiving. When I was shopping, I bought V8. I use that in vegetable beef soup, but not in chili. I did not get a green pepper, which I think I have always put in chili but now can't remember.  The day I made the chili, I was still asking myself if I put V8 in it. I also put a can of butterbeans on the counter to open with the red kidney beans and chili beans.  I put the can opener to the can and opened it a bit only to think--no, you don't put butterbeans in chili.  There are more things, but I am crying and don't feel like typing. I am not crying because I think I have dementia or early onset Alzheimer's or anything like that.  I don't want to talk about why I am crying.

Try

Did you know I love birds? The cacophany of morning sounds (this falling on the ears of a person who does not love mornings?), stirs in me a deepseated hunger, my brother. I can't muster anger for being awakened by their song which lifts and lilts and meanders on the breeze or hangs still in the frosty air. I want only to know what it is to perch on the forgiving branches of winter trees, no concern for safety, no worry about tomorrow, the berries and tossed seeds filling me with intrigue and wonder.

Goals for today

Clean off the dining room table
Decorate the dining room table with Thanksgiving theme
Sweep the floors
Clean the kitchen
Start cleaning the mess in Wes's room and start on the closet
Brush teeth
Wash face
Comb hair
Read
Play Solitaire
Go outside
Plant a few bulbs this afternoon
Relax
Google "meditation" and make effort to meditate
Make effort to be up and around more
Make effort to drink less tonight
Eat better today

***At the end of the day (or tomorrow), I will highlight the goals I accomplished.

Breakfast: 
Boiled egg
Almonds
Glass of milk
2 slices pineapple
1/4 cup cottage cheese
coffee with creamer

Response to a FB question about a picture

This is Moab, Utah.
Shot in RAW in full manual with a Nikon D750 - 14-24 2.8 lens @ 14m f/2.8 - 10,000 ISO (I usually don’t go that high) WB @ 3,400, and 25 sec exp. Noise (a result of the high ISO) cleanup and contrast done in Bridge + Photoshop

Hope this helps. The best suggestion I can make is to just get out there and experiment - there’s no “right or wrong” - it’s all great fun!! ....and if you don’t get great shots at first, being out in the dark under the stars in the quiet is still an awesome experience!

The Tree Of Life crit

I see it as a very personal struggle with the meaning of life. I don't get religion from it nor the need to be secular or nonsecular. I view the film as an exploration of a sentient being into his or her own meaning of life, or asking the question, "Is there meaning?" I love the lengthy scene where something celestial is forming (like ideas formulating in the mind). The Funeral Canticle is such a perfect choice here. It begins with a human examining the tiny feet of his child and moves from scene to scene showcasing the unfolding of life through the billions of years. The Funeral Canticle is a rather new piece of music which sounds ancient. The first time I heard it, I was on a long drive home after being away for many days. I felt transported to another realm, and it was not an altogether comfortable feeling, but at the same time, it felt spiritual--not religious--spiritual. The soundtrack is haunting. The voice-overs add to the complexity of the characters and create the illusion of knowing them a tiny bit better. The cinematography is beautifully and fully realized. That's my two cents, for what it is worth.

Snow predicted

We are supposed to get 1-3 inches of snow this afternoon into the evening hours. I love snow (when I don't have to drive in it), so I am okay with that. 

I realize that I am going to have to start typing my goals in here every day. It seems I was making some progress with my mood when I was trying to attain some goals.  So, here goes:

Brush my teeth
Wash my face
Fix my hair
Get dressed
Water the plants
Cook lunch
Sweep the floors
Mail a package to Dixie
Wash dishes
Edit some photos
Read some of The Goldfinch (the book I am currently reading)
Do some cleaning in Wes's room

I am sure anyone who is "well" would look at this list and feel one of two things: sadness that the writer of these words has to tell herself to wash her face, brush her teeth, etc--you, know basic hygiene things. Or, they may feel apathetic and wonder why anyone would take the time to make such a stupid list which does not include anything particularly motivating.  That reader would be someone with little empathy and no understanding of the daily fight to be better.  But, I am not writing these words for a reader, other than this reader, me.

So, here's a pic I took at my mother's two years ago. I am going to try to just add one pic per day. It's hard to keep up with my journal part of this blog with all of the pics I have been posting.

Pics

Mind Check

"If I see her, I wonder if she is going to say, "What happened to you. You're so fat!" And, so, I think of my response and say, "I can see you are still the same crass, rude bitch you always were." These were my thoughts about going to Walgreen's today.

This is how my mind works. I sent an order to Walgreen's for a picture of mine that I am going to send to Dixie.  I started thinking that K may be at work there, and I haven't seen K in a long time. I don't want to see her because I am fat. I don't want to see anyone. 

K was there. For some reason, she felt the need to come share a pic of her grandson with the woman who was checking me out. Was it because she saw me, or because she would have done that anyway.  I wasn't expecting her to know how I was because I am so very large.  I look nothing like I once did.  But, she knew me.  She spoke to me as she busily looked through her phone to show her co-worker a picture of her grandson, Little Mr Hopkins County, from today's Veteran Parade.

I reached across the counter and said, "Let me hug your neck." I  do not know why I did that.  The girl checking out my order explained how the receipt reflected that someone in my household has a birthday in November, so using my Walgreen's card this month will give me extra points. K said, "She has a birthday," without missing a note as the girl was talking.  I said, "You remember? And, I know your birthday is in September."

After that, there was small talk. She said she just turned 63. I said I just turned 61 and explained to the girl checking me out that I was the baby of the group, and the others always came to pick me up to do things. I said, "They felt sorry for me." K said, "That's not true. We just came to get you."

I wonder how much I have skewed things in my life to keep up this awful agenda of hurting myself and believing people don't care. 

K was ...was...just normal.  Just like she saw me yesterday or two weeks ago though I haven't seen her in over 20 years.

I need to contemplate this occurrence and what the Universe is trying to tell me.

I shall post of the text message I got a few nights ago next.  I am wiped out from this unexpected kindness.

Happiness

Sunset

First freeze--marigolds

First freeze--sage

First hard freeze--roses