It's a rare day I feel appreciated for who I am, but today helped

I post pictures on a website called The Wannabe Nature Photographer.  They have some great nature photographers that I absolutely can't compete with in terms of amazing shots, but I post my pics and just let that be. I posted a picture of train tracks tonight and got so many positive comments. I am going to post them here and the pic:

"this is a masterpiece!!!"

I am trying to copy/paste bu can't. Basically, people love the shot and have said some very kind things about me and my photos. 

If I can figure out how to post comments tomorrow, I will. Too tired now. It's 11:11. 



this

Two more pics

Train Tracks

Me, at 25

Turning point in this whole catastrophe (and, yes, this is about my weight)

I am done.

I can't handle the stress any longer and the unhappiness of living with a husband who is perpetually depressed and not a partner in any sense of the word and I am considered to be the one who is supposed to take care of him. I can't.  I can't take care of me.

My anxiety is so bad again that I don't want to leave the house.

I had my first full-blown panic attack at Wal Mart yesterday (I know that comment could certainly elicit some laughter, but a panic attack is not funny).

I am so worn down from this constant stress of living with a person who can't do things for himself or won't.  He has two working legs, two working arms, he can see, he can hear (somewhat), he can function, but he chooses to stay depressed and won't get any help, which has in turn made me completely and utterly exhausted and depressed.

I can't take much more.

I am shutting myself off in the bedroom.  I am hardly moving around.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I am having so many anxiety episodes as I am feeling more hopeless than I ever have in my life.  My only hope to be better is to be out of this environment, and I do not know how to do that without feeling guilty or feeling like my children will hate me the rest of my life. 

This has totally wrecked me. 

I am so sad. I am so sad. I just want to live and go places and see things and feel hopeful.

I am so tired.

Pointless

I am doing nothing to make my life better. I am eating chips and dip and drinking margaritas. If it was hip to be fat, I would have no guilt.  I'm done with this stupid journey.

The fat saga, cont (ad nauseum)

Breakfast:

Cereal with milk                               240
cheese                                                 60
coffee with creamer                            30

Total:                                                 330

Blew it again last night. What's new? I need to eat more fruit and vegetables.  I haven't had any vegetables since the day I made pork chops with creamy mushroom sauce and roasted asparagus (about 5 days ago). I had one salad the next day and some romaine and an avocado with my street tacos, but that's it.

I'll try to eat some veggies today and eat an apple

Lunch:

2 chorizo and chicken street tacos with 1/2 avocado, romaine, onion, cheddar cheese, taco sauce, cilantro and lime:                     
tortillas                                       100
avocado                                         75
chorizo and chicken                    250
cheese                                           75
onions, romaine, cilantro, lime     50
glass of cranberry juice                110

Total:                                             660

Total for breakfast and lunch:    990
Total remaining for the day:      610

Removing my posts from FB because no one cares

Interesting article and thoughts about cultural differences surrounding eating alone. I never have any time for myself, and I don't like to eat out, but I don't mind eating out alone to get some time for myself. I just try to go when a restaurant is not crowded, and, I take my glasses off. I am self-conscious eating alone, as I am when I choose to go to a movie alone, but, as I said, I have zero alone time, and it is good to get a break. I haven't eaten out alone nor gone to a movie alone in some time, so maybe I will this week. I think everyone needs some time to themselves although I don't think eating at a restaurant nor going to a movie is my idea of alone time.

The above was a post about eating alone. The article below is about cookbooks. I saved the links to my bookmarks.  

I am interested in all of these, but, alas, I confess my love of cooking is dying more every day. When you can't taste food the way you once could, cookbooks and recipes don't matter as much, or when you are only cooking for two, and one of the two could care less about a fancy meal and more about some meat and potatoes or spaghetti (who can have an issue with that?), then cooking becomes less appealing. That being said, I do still care, and even if I only try one new thing out a month or can actually taste something occasionally or the meal works for the two of us occasionally, it is worth the try. I love this excerpt from one of the books on this list:

"Great cookbooks show us how to make beautiful dishes, but we’re inclined to think that the very best share something more. They tell the stories of how those dishes came to be, and the flavors of those stories enrich both the act of reading and the act of eating. Ella Risbridger’s “Midnight Chicken” is exactly that, beginning with a chicken that is simply roasted and devoured late at night. It is this meal that sets the author on a journey of discovery and healing, and what follows is an education on the transformative power of food. Each recipe documents a particular moment, part of the author’s gradual process of falling back in love with cooking and finding joy in what can feel like a dark world."

And this is about a new David Lynch short film called What Did Jack Do?:

Just watched this and am formulating my own thoughts about it before I read some reviews, but I am suggesting that anyone who cares about what's happening in America watch this. I know you do, Dixie Highsmith. Don't know if you like Lynch, but I hope you watch this on Netflix and let me know what you think. It is only 17 minutes long. I don't like tagging, so if I tagged you and you don't want to be, just remove! Lauren Brown, Elizabeth Cato, Elizabeth Marie Brown, Jon Sewell.

The authors Alison Roman, Niki Segnit, Diana Henry and more share the volumes they’ll be returning to again and again this year.

On this journey, take 2 (the never-ending saga of being a fat person)

Breakfast:

1 slice dark rye toast                                110
1 slice Tillamook cheddar cheese             120
2 thin slices deli ham                                 80
coffee with cream                                      30

Total:                                                       340

Lunch:

Spaghetti with meat sauce and parmesan cheese    500

Total for breakfast and lunch:  840

Dinner:

Margaritas                               600

Total for the day at &;07 PM:                                         1440

Calories remaining at 7:07 PM to stay at or under 1,500 --a mere 60.

I am trying to be an engaged citizen. An engaged person. I have posted many things on Facebook and no one has responded. I have tagged people, and no one has responded. I have read movie and book reviews and shared my thoughts, and no one has responded.  Eff trying to hold it together when I am so effing alone.  I am getting more alcohol.  Who gives an eff?  Not one person.  So, now it is 8:10.  I am 60 calories away from going over my goal calorie count for the day.

What a bunch of effing garbage.  Who cares?  Not me! 

I wonder if my post is going to get shut down because I used the "F" word. My post is so important I don't want that to happen.  Let me go back and put "effing" of "eff" instead of "Eff".  Good idea!

Feel sick to my stomach. Counting calories, again

Breakfast:

1/2 slice rye toast                    60
1 scrambled egg with cheese 100
3 pieces of bacon                    120
coffee with creamer                   30
glass of milk                             80

Total:                                     390

Lunch:

Buttered egg noodles with creamy mushroom sauce            200
1/2 pork chop                                                                          100

Total:                                      300

Dinner:

Spaghetti with meat sauce                  400

Total for three meals: 1090

Evening:

Margaritas                                 600
pretzels and cheese dip              300
cheetohs                                     320

Total snacking in the evening:   1220

Total calories for the day 2310

Total required to meet weight loss goal: 1,500
Excess:                                                     810

Problem: Evening alcohol which makes me crave carbs
Problem: Me
Problem: Loneliness
Problem: Lack of self-control
Solution: I don't know

At My Window

I love that Townes' song.

The fat saga continues

I don't do selfies. I am too zaftig (it seems to upset people if you call yourself fat). I am fat. I am not happy about that. Only I can change it, but I haven't, so for this night, here I am, the best part of me--my eye (yes, I have pretty eyes and I have an eye for photography even though I haven't figured out how to use a "real" camera yet) and my babies in the background. The family portrait in the background was taken in 1995 or 96. I was a "normal" weight then and thought I was zaftig. Oh, to be that young again and to only be 10 pounds over the desired and health charts BMI! If you are a person who does not struggle with your weight and has never had to count calories, keep a food journal, feel like a loser--consider yourself most fortunate.

Counting Calories

1 slice dark rye bread:             100
1/2 small avocado:                  100
1/2 banana                                 53
1 scrambled egg with cheese:  120
3 pieces of bacon                     120
Glass of milk                             90

Total for breakfast:                  583

Total remaining for today:      1650-583=  1067

Picture for today--my boys:

Wednesday woes

Of all of my goals for yesterday, I only accomplished one: got the tree down and put away.

I had a horrible night last night.  Went to bed at 8:15 but couldn't sleep. Nodded off for about an hour and 1/2. I was then up for hours. Every time I was almost asleep, I would jerk awake and gasp for air.  I do that often, so that's not the troubling part.  At around 3:00, I felt like I was having an anxiety attack which I feared was going to go into full-blown panic mode.  I took a Xanax, but it took some time to start feeling calmer.  My legs felt weak, and my heart was pounding.  I started thinking maybe it was because I am doing this intermittent fasting.

I looked up IF, and some people have anxiety when they do IF.  I thought to myself, Well, there you go. You can't try IF as a weight loss measure because you are not physically well enough.

I thought that, and as I thought that, I also thought how I was more than likely creating this issue as a way to not go forward with my goal to lose weight. 

Drinking and having to stop at 6:30 was not fun nor relaxing.  I was focused on how much time I had left to enjoy my imbibing instead of how much I was enjoying my imbibing.  It isn't worth it to have to be watching a clock. 

I am fresh out of solutions or ideas to help me help myself with my problems. I just want to do what I want to do and would be happy to just keep drinking and eating chips if I could just be thin and do that.

That's all I can muster this morning.  Here's a pic:

Goals from yesterday and today's goals

Goals for today:
Read
Play solitaire
Clean the dining room
Clean the kitchen
Put away my clothes
Put summer clothes in Lauren's room
Start taking the tree down


Those were yesterday's goals (Monday, 1/13/20). I did read, play solitaire, clean the dining room, & cleaned some of the kitchen (did not mop the floor). I did hang my clothes up and put away clothes that needed to go in the drawer.  I took the summer clothes out of my closet and took them to Lauren's room, and I did start taking ornaments off the tree, so I guess I got a lot done.

I also took some photos I like yesterday and put more bird food out. 

Today:

Get the tree down and put away
Go through old ornaments and decide what to keep
Mop the kitchen floor
Dust the house
Clean the bathroom
Put clothes in Lauren's room away
Read
Play solitaire
Take some pictures
Get my binoculars out
Put memory card in camera
Straighten up the house (pick up things in each room which do no belong and take to correct place)

Another picture for today. It's a picture of a seedpod: 

Yesterday (IF, Day 1)

Yesterday, I did my intermittent fasting and did not have any alcohol. I struggled to fall asleep and tossed and turned all night, but I made it.  I am not craving alcohol (I don't think I am an alcoholic--I just love the way I feel after 2 margaritas).  And, I am not too hungry (last meal was completed at 5:15 last night and it is 9:31 in the morning).

I am trying out the 15/9 instead of the 16/8 IF plan.  My coffee is brewing. 

I don't want to focus on calories nor my food choices at this time.  Most days, I choose fairly healthy foods, but I could stand to incorporate more veggies.  Yesterday I had:

roasted pork tenderloin, a slice of dark rye bread with caraway seeds, a slice of Tillamook cheddar cheese, a bowl of homemade vegetable beef soup with 4 crackers, coffee with cream, 2 square slices of thin crust meat supremo pizza, 2 barbecue chicken wings, and some ranch to dip the wings in.

I love the dark rye and will have more this morning.  I'll have more of the tenderloin.  I want to make an olive oil dipping sauce for the bread, but that will really ramp up the calories. Again, I am wanting to focus on the IF and change in alcohol consumption at this point.  Those would be 2 positive changes.  I can they take a look at incorporating more veggies and fruits.

Picture of the day: Self-portrait with ornament

Intermittent Fasting

I haven't tried intermittent fasting, so I think I will try that. I will do the 16/8 plan (although women can do a 15/9 or 14/10 plan and still lose weight). By doing a 15/9, which is what I am going to try, I will essentially not be eating after 6 in the evening, which is my worst time and will be my greatest challenge.

Today, I started at 8:50, so I hope to stop eating at 5:50. I am such a breakfast person that I don't think I can do an 11-7 or 10-7 plan on a regular basis.  I wonder if I have to stick to the same 9 hour schedule each day or if I can mix it up on days I want to eat a little later (going out to dinner). I'll do some research.

I have tried keeping a food journal, joining a gym, and counting calories. I have not been successful.

Goals for today:
Read
Play solitaire
Clean the dining room
Clean the kitchen
Put away my clothes
Put summer clothes in Lauren's room
Start taking the tree down

That sounds like enough.
 Picture of the day: Frozen bird bath

On friends

I don't have a best friend. As a matter of fact, I don't know that I have many friends. I have people who contact me occasionally, but I don't have one single person I would call right at this moment to tell them how lonely and alone I feel.  Not one.  I don't have anyone.  I don't know that I ever will.  What did I ever do to make this my reality?  Day after endless day, I am here in this house. No one comes by. No one calls. No one.  It is starting to get to me.  I am wondering why anything matters.  How does my life matter?  If I die, my children and grandchildren will miss me or have deep sadness that I have died, but there will be no one who will sit around and talk about coming to see me, what fun I was, how creative I was, how silly I could be, etc etc.  No one because there is no one.

My Rothko

Garden bell

And, so, it begins

No hot water.  Hole in the bottom of the tank.  Put out the pilot light.  Have to get new hot water heater.  Waiting on call back to see when plumber can come.  Rain on the way.  Basement will likely flood.  Hot water heater is in basement.  Plumber probably couldn't put it in today anyway.  Probably 800 bucks to replace and pay for labor.  Supposed to go to Lauren's tomorrow.  Not looking likely. 

Dark day.  No sun.  Lightly raining.  No motivation.  Did not do well with my goals yesterday.  What's new?

A new year and a new decade

Well, it's here. 2020.  How can that be?  When I woke up at 4:50, I had all sorts of thoughts running through my head about this new year and new decade, and thoughts about the last 10 years.  I felt like I knew what I wanted to come here and write about, but now that I am here, I just feel tired and unenthusiastic about writing anything.  So, I will simply make a list of goals. I don't know that I'd call them resolutions.

Become less self-absorbed but spend more time on myself
Lose 4-6 pounds per month until I reach a healthy weight
Drink less
Move around more
Read more
Do more crossword puzzles
Watch more birds
Start walking
Renovate my bathroom
Finish the porch renovation
Start keeping a cleaner house
Continue getting rid of unnecessary items, particularly things in the basement
Get basement cleaned and everything off the floors
Bleach the basement floors
Paint the entryway to the basement
Get an estimate on renovating Lauren's bathroom
Get bathroom renovated and put new floors in my bathroom
Get old entertainment cabinet out of the living room
Write in journal no less than 4x per week
Spend less time on social media
Learn to use new camera
Clean out the closet in the study and in Wes's room
Get lights in closets working
Paint wrought iron rails out front
Get a word processor/windows on the computer
Get an iPad or notebook of some kind

That's a lot but in the whole scheme of things, it's really not. Some people could have those things done (on the work list) in less than a month.  But, I am not some people. I am a morbidly obese, depressed woman who feels rather lost and hopeless, so this list is ambitious.  I have to make some positive life changes, and they start with me and my attitude and my well-being.  I can't possibly be my best when I feel bad all of the time, and I feel bad all of the time mostly because I am fat and out of shape, and I drink too much.  I deserve more, and so do my children and grandchildren.