Friends

 Dixie called a few days ago and thanked me for being a friend.  She said she was feeling all emotional and sentimental and felt she wanted to tell me how much my friendship means to her.  She said I allowed her or let her be herself and she appreciated that.  I was glad she called.  She lets me be me, too, but I am not ever all me with anyone. I feel I can't be, and I lose out, time and time again. 

I was thinking about the friend thing.  I want a friend who lets me be me, but I don't think my friends can let me be me because they love or care deeply about Robin, so I can't really be me.  I also need a friend who can take care of me for whatever amount of time it takes, and I don't have a friend who can do that.  One friend is an evangelical. I would not feel comfortable staying at her home.  I have stayed with her, and I feel negative vibes from her husband.  I could not just go there and crash.  I want a friend who will let me sleep all day (something I have never done in my life and likely won't do until I am out of it. I want a friend who cooks everything for me and cleans up.  I am tired of doing all of that and don't want to do my part of cooking and cleaning.  I want a friend who lets me sip my margaritas in the evening and blather on about poetry, music, art, politics, movies.  I do not drink during the day and don't plan to make that a part of my life, and I know I need to cut down the evening toddies, but they keep me going in all of my aloneness. 

I ask for too much, and that is why I don't really have a friend.