Tonight

Nashville. Heard David Kaczynski (sp) address
the crowd gathered about his brother, Ted,
the Unabomber, and severe mental illness.
Bill Babbit (sp) was there talking about his brother,
Manny, as well. Glad my daughter told me about this
event. My strong, brave, filled with conviction daughter.

Last night, on call. did not get home until after 2. Took
an hour to get to the hospital, hour to assess, hour to get
home. Should be in bed. But can't sleep. So many
issues, thoughts, causes, people in my mind.

Tx team in the AM early. Should shower now. Don't
think I can sleep.

*

And, on the way to Nashville, my sister called to tell me she had
a TB skin test. Positive. X-ray tomorrow. Researching sites.

*

So, I drove to Nashville (200 mile round trip)
and back after I got off work.

*
I am tired but the wheel is on fire.

Beneath the Blue

My eyelids burn,
the well of a thousand
undropped

tears awaiting the moment
when spill into darkness
can contain the secrets

in some old rugged rock,
some hand-hewn vessel
readied for the drought,

protected from the chill,
small bucket hanging
from worn thread

ready to be tossed
down to quench
a thirst which seems

insatiable.

Be articulate and demonstrative and revelatory.

That's what I am supposed to be this year. Just took this blog
into the private zone and this guy is telling me I am supposed
to "be A, R, and D!

Hmmmm....

The next poem I plan to write will be about the Black Vulture.

Here is his picture. He mates for life.

Hmmmm....


Scorpio Horoscope for week of November 4, 2010

Technorati, a search engine for blogs, says there are well over 100 million blogs on the Internet, and that figure doesn't include millions of Chinese language blogs. So self-expression is thriving on a global scale, right? Not exactly. Most blogs -- the estimate is 94 percent -- have not been updated for at least four months. In accordance with the current astrological indicators, Scorpio, I expect you to do something about this problem. Refresh your blog in the coming week, or consider launching one if you don't have one. But don't stop there. Use every other way you can imagine to show the world who you are. Be articulate and demonstrative and revelatory.

*


SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer
Pick blackberries naked in the pouring rain
Scare yourself with how beautiful you are
Stage a slow-motion water balloon fight
Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos
Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees
Plunge butcher knives into accordions
Commit a crime that breaks no laws
Sip the tears of someone you love

Clouds and more clouds

So happy to have a camera. Got it last Christmas
but did not use it much. Had to buy a memory stick
or whatever those things are called. Got one before
the trip to Savannah, Charleston, Asheville.

Now, I take my camera with me everywhere, but I don't
know enough about it to know how to do the settings.

I know I love clouds and trees, so I am taking many
pictures of clouds and trees.

*

If I did not have on call, I would love my job. But I hate
being in alert mode for 48 hours plus. Hard to get up and drive
60 miles in the middle of the night. Praying I won't get called.

*

Reading a bio of Thomas Wolfe. Much I did not know about him.
Interesting.

*

Really low tonight. Need to eat but am not hungry.

Yet another

big change. New job for Robin. After 32 years of his own
business, he is now working for someone else. Punching
a time clock, working seconds, packing a dinner, trying
to acclimate.

We somehow had it in our heads that at 55 (his age), he'd
be thinking about how he would keep the business going
for another 6 years and then retire. But it has not worked
out that way.

I realize now that I can't come here and write anything about us.
It feels like betrayal. I suppose there are just some things
that must live inside you until you no longer live. Things others
will never know.

I want someone to know about what it is I am and feel. But I can't
do that--let anyone in. I shall go to my grave with what needs to be
said. Maybe.

I must think there is something special about what it is that is happening
to me and has happened or I would not feel so pulled.

But I am just too fucking tired to do anything about it tonight.

Damn.

Give up or give in or go nuts.

Back home

Left last Sunday for savannah GA.
Loved it there. Wish we would have had more time.

Then on to Patriot's Point, SC (in charleston harbor)
to step foot on the Yorktown. Emotionally draining.

Then downtown charleston the next day and on to Asheville
NC. Biltmore on Thursday. Thomas Wolfe home on Friday
Oct. 22.

Then on to nashville to stay with Lauren.

Then home.

Really need to get back on the habit of writing.

I want to say things that will hurt, so I just don't say anything,

Strange dreams. My dad working in a hardware shop.
Me on the doctor's exam table. I think I am most likely
doomed, but I seem too optimistic and the doctor seems
so cheerful.

*

had this episode at Biltmore. Can't explain it, really. Thought
I was having a stroke or something. Heart beating very fast.
Head with this strange vise-like feeling all around it. No pain.

The only time I feel good and unafraid and capable of doing anything
is when I am half tanked.

I don't want to give up. I don't believe in the we all have a destiny
or time or whatever. We fucking have to keep believing. I don't
want to be so beaten down that I can't keep believing.

there is so much to what little I say. It rolls through my head
all day. I am just not up to the getting it on the page.

what is the point? if the point is to get better, then i need to do it.

Fuck. Don't matter. Still so damned stuck.