The Silence

 Surprisingly, to me, I haven't heard the ghost of Molly's nails going down the hallway, nor the sound of her rabies tag jingling as she would shake herself off when she woke up. I thought I would hear that over and over again. I hear the silence. I see the empty bed. We have gotten rid of many things, but we still have not parted with her huge crate at the end of our bed nor her bed with the UK (University of Kentucky) blanket on it that has been in the living room for 13 years. I can't do it yet.

A poem that speaks to me today

The Soul Selects Her Own Society
by Emily Dickinson

The soul selects her own society,
Then shuts the door;
On her divine majority
Obtrude no more.

Unmoved, she notes the chariot's pausing
At her low gate;
Unmoved, an emperor is kneeling
Upon her mat.

I've known her from an ample nation
Choose one;
Then close the valves of her attention
Like stone.

It's All Me

I have been informed that I am the source of most of my problems and probably will continue to be as long as I keep seeing myself in the role of victim. 

Well, okay.  I guess I will continue to be the problem in situations.  That can help everyone else feel good about themselves as no one I am ever in conflict does anything wrong.  It's all me.  Yep.  I am my biggest problem.  I have very few redeeming qualities because my negative ones cancel out the good.  Yep.   That's me.

Goals

I must go back to posting daily goals.  I do very little these days other than lie in bed and play solitaire.

Water indoor plants
Wash face
Brush teeth
Get dressed
Make tacos
Make pico de gallo
Clean kitchen
Wash some blankets
Go to Lowe's (????)
Dust some furniture
Read
Consider making something (start on Christmas stockings?)
Go get some milk and tequila (I know that sounds strange)

Move around more. Lie around less.  Please.

Au Gratin potatoes

Au Gratin Potatoes With Ham

8 medium red potatoes, washed and scrubbed
1-2 cups chicken stock
I don't know how much ham. Just use leftover ham or just ham you bought to do something with, yep. I would say I used about 1/2 pound to a pound of some ham I had in the fridge. I chopped it into about 1-2 inch pieces
1 large yellow onion, cut into slices or diced--depends on what you like
Fresh thyme, washed and chopped--about 1 tablespoon or dried Italian herbs
1 cup organic fat-free milk
1 cup Half & Half
4 tablespoons butter
kosher salt
pepper
olive oil
1 cup grated sharp cheddar cheese
1-2 cups grated Monterey jack cheese
Additional 2 tablespoons of butter

Ok. Let me just say that I don't measure anything. You just have to play with this. But, here is what I did, and these taste better than any au gratin potatoes I've ever eaten.

Preheat oven to 350.

After you wash and scrub your potatoes, slice them very thinly. I cooked mine in chicken stock and water & a little kosher salt at a boil for probably ten minutes just to soften them a bit and infuse some flavor. I then drained them and let them cool a bit in a colander. While they were cooling, I melted 2 tbsp of butter and one tbsp of olive oil and cooked the onions until they were getting soft. I then added the ham and cooked until I felt like they were cooked enough. :) About 10 minutes. Remove from heat.
In a 13 x 9 x 2 or slightly smaller casserole dish, rub a stick of butter all over the dish. Or, you can use that spray thing for buttering dishes, but I didn't have it and don't use it much.

While potatoes are cooling, make a white sauce. I used 4 tbsp of butter and 4 tbsp of flour. Melt the butter at medium heat. Add the flour and whisk until well blended. (I'm struggling here to do this. I take it for granted that everyone knows how to make a white or bechamel sauce and I worry that I am preaching to the choir or something). Slowly add the milk and the Half & Half. I did not have cream but would have used it if I had any in my fridge. I didn't warm the milk or half & half, but usually, it is suggested that you do that to keep it from curdling or something. Keep stirring until it starts to thicken. If it gets too thick, add more milk. Season with kosher salt and pepper. I don't know how much. I just put a few pinches of kosher salt in and use the peppercorn grinder, stir it up, let it cook a few more minutes and taste. If it's not salty or peppered enough, I add more. If you like the taste and consistency, that is great. Turn it down to low or remove it from the burner. That all depends on how quickly you layer the casserole.

So, start layering your dish. Here is how it goes. It's real easy. 1/3 of the potatoes topped with a third of your ham and onion stuff you sauteed in oil and butter, pour about a third of your white sauce over that, and then put a third of your grated cheeses over that. Do another layer the exact same way. Do a final layer the same way. I add a little more grated sharp cheddar to the top. Cover with foil and bake for 45-50 minutes. Uncover and cook another 20 minutes or until the top is starting to brown and is bubbling. I didn't put chopped parsley on top, but that would be great. Chopped cooked bacon would be, too. I just did what I just typed in that I did. Geez. That was exhaustive work typing it all in. Enjoy! I forgot to mention the thyme. Just sprinkle some on each layer. Or omit if thyme is not a favorite.

My response to someone's comment about what minimum wage should be

As a mental health professional with an undergrad degree, I worked in community mental health with people who had attempted suicide (met many at the hospital while they were still in the ICU and had just come off ventilators) or were thinking of suicide, people with homicidal ideation (who had already threatened others and threatened them when they were with me, which meant I had a duty to warn the threatened individuals and had to share that with my clients who were having homicidal ideation), severely depressed people who could barely function, people with bipolar disorder, children on the autism spectrum, children with ADD, children with oppositional defiant disorder, people with intermittent explosive disorder, people with obsessive compulsive disorder, and so many other diagnoses. I was a frontline crisis worker who met with individuals in a severe mental health crisis--adults and children, and I never made $15 an hour in all of my years working in that field. When I retired, I was making $14.98 an hour. There is no money for mental health services. I was an undergrad so could not provide therapy, but I worked as a crisis case worker and was required to provide psychoeducational information at each meeting with my clients. I was also required to transport my clients wherever they needed to go that was part of their treatment plan. I was also required to transport clients in the middle of the night, when I was on call, to the crisis unit if the therapist who evaluated them felt they needed to be in crisis placement. Many times, the hospitals I met my clients in were in the middle of nowhere as I live in a rural area. Many times, the clients were still having psychosis and active hallucinations when I left the hospital with them, and many times, I was on back country roads at 2 AM with spotty to no cellphone service--curvy, narrow, dark country roads with deer running out frequently and no one but me and this new client I had just met in my car. Depending on which hospital I was called to, that trip to the crisis unit could take a minimum of 15 minutes and a maximum of 1.5 hours. Just me and the client and old, windy dark country roads. The therapists made more then 15 an hour, but when you figure the money it took them to get their degree and the hours required for licensure, and the hours above and beyond their clinic hours (we all had on-call--the therapists were on-call for this county only, but I was on-call for the 8 counties in my region and many times, I was out all night getting called from county to county--driving as much as 250 miles in the middle of the night, and then having to work the next day). If I had been trying to live on my paycheck alone, I don't know how I would have made it. The priorities in this country are not in favor of taking care of the sick, the marginalized, the suffering, the ones wanting to take care of themselves and their families. They are not concerned about people in need and what is fair. The minimum anyone should make is 15 dollars an hour, and I felt that the nature of my work meant I needed at least 20, but we all do what we have to do and are called to do. Sorry for blowing up your thread. Your post just made me think about my working life. I am so sorry for all of the folks out there who did not get any UI this week and who do not know what they are going to do.

Two People

Sunday morning. 1st Sunday of August. Months into the pandemic.

I just need to say these things so maybe the rest of my day I will be free from the constant barrage of these thoughts. 

How can two people be so miserable but stay together? Each day is a struggle.  We have nothing in common except our children and grandchildren--and that's a whole lot of something there, but what I mean is nothing in common when we are not with them, which is most of the time.

He let himself go. People do not do that when they love their lives and the people in their lives, particularly the person they married. I let myself go.  He is letting all of his teeth fall out, refuses to go get a horrid looking cyst the size of a golf ball removed from his neck, weighs 127 pounds and looks like he just left Auschwitz. His face is gaunt, his pants falling off, his arms like skeleton arms.

I am just the opposite. I am a whale of a woman--262 at my highest, but I may weigh more now. I refuse to weigh myself at this time. I am drinking so much more to just try to get a mental break from this suffocating despair.  I have skinflap things on my neck, need my teeth cleaned, and need a real haircut. I, too, have let myself fall into apathy and poor self-hygiene. People who love their lives and the person they are married to do not do that. 

He does not read. He does not like most of the movies I watch. He is conservative and will no longer talk about liking the idiot who got this country in the worse mess it's ever been in, so I have no one to share those feelings with.  He does not like to work in the yard or the garden and could not care less if I had plants or trees or vegetables growing.  He does not listen to music.  He has no hobbies. He goes nowhere (hard to go anywhere right now during the pandemic, but he didn't go anywhere prior to that).  He has friends, but he doesn't contact them. They call him on occasion and prior to the pandemic, they invited him to go places, but he didn't go. He is here in the house with me 24/7.  If he is not on the computer, he is sitting on the couch in the study doing nothing  He does nothing most of the day. 

I have no friends. I have people who like me and who occasionally text me, but pre-pandemic, I was here at home (after retiring in July 2018) for a year and a half, and only one person came to my home to see me--Becca.  I have some hobbies. I watch the birds, I take pictures, and I spend time editing the pictures. I share them on FB. I read, and I play Solitaire on my phone. I can do many other things, but I don't feel like it.  I spend much of my day in the back bedroom lying down just so I can feel like I am getting away.  Just so I feel like I have some personal time.  I have never had personal time in all of the years we have been married. I went straight from my parents' house to being married. I didn't know that he was going to stop working and be home all of the time. I thought I was going to have some alone time in my retirement. I think I would feel more motivated to paint the bathroom, redo the dining room,  start sketching, etc. Those are things I feel I need space and no interruptions to do.  But, there is none of that for me.  

We have no couples friends, so even before the pandemic, we never went anywhere nor had anyone over.  None of this is healthy for either of us.  I do not like to envy other people, but I do envy the people who have a life partner with whom they love to spend time with.  Those people are generally much healthier. 

I do not know what to do. I do not know what I would do without him. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to ask him to leave when he's struggling to hang on.  I do not know that I want a divorce.  I just know this is not healthy.  Every day, I have physical symptoms, but I do not know what is causing them. My stomach hurts often, I have indigestion and acid reflux, and I have diarrhea if I take Tums.  I also start sweating profusely for no discernible reason. Especially my head. My scalp gets soaked, and my hair gets as wet as if I had just taken a shower.  I think it's a combination of anxiety and blood sugar issues. Regardless, it's miserable.  I do not know what to do except try to get through another day, try to find something I like to do and do it today (I did go outside to see if I could get a picture of the hummingbird I have been seeing, but I didn't get one).  I just cooked breakfast (at 11:00), and I feel like going back into the dark back bedroom and lying down again, which I think I may need to keep doing until I can figure out a way to start trying to change my unhealthy ways.  I hope getting this out helps me today.