June 1st, 1999

7:00 am. Sarah called to tell me Charlye was dead. She was hysterical
and told me I had to get there immediately as Billy was a mess.
2 weeks before, Charlye called me and told me she had just slit
her wrists. I asked where Billy was and she said, "In the livingroom."

I said call to him now or I am calling 911, which I did because she would
not call out to Billy. She refused to go the hospital, but she allowed
the paramedics to treat her wrists.

August 27th, 2006

8:30 p.m.

Had a phone call from B. She sounded far way or like she
was down deep somewhere beneath the earth calling
from under a floor or something (like Charlye did).

She told me she was calling to tell me goodbye
and that our call would probably be the last time
we would speak. She said she'd had enough of the pain
and the sadness. She told me her son moved in with
his father, and though she didn't say she couldn't
bear that, I knew that was what had brought
her to this desperate place.

I told her all I could think to tell her to keep her alive.
I don't know if it will work. I called a suicide prevention
hotline and talked with them about the conversation.

They told me that what I said was not only completely
appropriate, it (my words,my thoughts, my encouragement)
was the right thing to do. They said they felt
she sounded encouraged (she told me she thought
she would see things differently tomorrow).
They told me they would call her and check on her.
I told them I had called her best friend and was waiting
to hear back. Talked with A. today.
She is very concerned as well. She spoke with B today
and thought she sounded a little bit better.

I reminded B. of Charlye's death. Told her how those
of us left here to deal with it were so traumatized
and consumed with guilt thinking there surely could have
been something we could have done. B. remembers how
it affected me. Told her she needed to think about her son,
about how this would destroy him, how he would blame
himself because he would be certain it had to do with his moving
out.

I am so wiped out today. Little sleep last night. Weird images.
Some strange people.
I am asking the powers that be to help B. She needs help.
I already suggested therapy. She said no because she would
just lie to the therapists.

*deep breath*

I need to walk.