A very long dry spell
Everywhere around me, things are dying. It's so dry.
Dead leaves are falling from the trees, my garden phlox
looks terrible, and it's so hot I don't feel like going outside
to do anything.
But I am pushing myself. Walking at least 2 miles a day.
Problem with me is I never stick with a plan I put in place
to make me stronger.
I give up just when it looks quite probable that I am actually
going to make it.
There's always been an actual sense of dread when I near my
goal. We'll see how long I can keep this up.
So, through this long dry spell, in which words won't come, or if
they do, they don't say much to anyone and they don't say much
to me or much of what is inside, too weary to be cajoled or humored
into coming out.
So, I've been walking, reading, watching lots of old movies, cooking,
some cleaning, visiting with my grandchild and some friends.
Watched this one last night: Do your duty.
And the night before, one of those nights when I wanted to open
my window and scream I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take
this anymore, I watched Network.
And: An idea is a greater monument than a cathedral.
And today, this one.
***************************************
Went to the Farmer's Market this morning. Think I'll go eat
some cantalope and watermelon.
2 comments:
I used to walk 4 miles a day. Through wind and rain, blistering heat and stifling humidity, snow and zero wind chills. Christ, everyone thought I was insane. I was just so....committed. Maybe I should start walking again. I'm not especially in love with exercise right now. I'm in a slump. I still do it every day but I don't feel the release, the escape, the sense of accomplishment I used to feel.
I'm so glad summer's over I could weep. Maybe I just need a new season to knock me out of this rut.
Maybe that's all you need.
Oh, and I hear you on the sense of dread when nearing the possibility of reaching a goal. I almost didn't get my BA because I was so freaked that I was going to get it that I almost fucked it up.
I didn't go to my graduation ceremony though. I probably should've because I forget from time to time that I actually did all that work (worthless as it was) and achieved that goal.
Time to take the cats out for a walk in the cool pre-autumnal night air.
Just keep on walking, Maggie. You'll get through this. I promise.
I set my sights on 4 miles per day at one point only to find that I barely made it through 2.
And when it's blazing out outside, forget it. The cold I can handle. I just layer clothing.
I am also glad summer is nearing its end. I am not a summer person.
Order is like this: fall, spring, winter, summer.
I don't think your BFA is worthless, though I understand what it is to feel what we have worked so hard for (academically speaking) appears to be that way so many days.
Thanks for the encouragement--same to you, my friend.
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