Change

does not come easily. Can remember the day--
was probably 25 or so--when I thought That will
never be me--too fat to move around easily, too tired
to want to go somewhere I once would have gone
come hell or high water, too "set in my ways" to deviate
from the norm, too predictable, too comfortable
to go outside my own backyard and play a bit, too
indifferent, too willing to concede to limitations
set for me.

*

There is a word. Anhedonia. Keep saying, screaming
at times, That is not me, that is not me, that is not me!!!
I must keep screaming, or at least, believing it is not.

*

All day discussions of axons and neurons, chemical imbalances,
environment, genetics, neurotransmitters, the endocrine
system, cortisol, GAD, SPECT and fMRI scans, meds, appointments,
therapy, CBT, RET, etc. I believe and I don't.

*

Overcast this morning. I was excited, hoped for rain. A nice
steady rain all day long, but the sky cleared, the sun kept up
its steady pace, the woodferns laid upon themselves in great
resignation. But tonight, the moon is 70% and waxing, a lovely
light with no heat, the breeze blowing my hair all around my face,
the water from the hose blowing back on my bare arms and legs.
Many apologies I made to those who did not get watered--the coral
bells near the hydrangeas, the hostas, the Japanese maple.
Tomorrow, I promised.

*

Hesse sits next to me, waiting to be opened. TV on in the living
room. Dog lying down next to me. Kitty hiding. Another load
of laundry spinning. The endless spinning. The turning of world
life thought plan body belief. Spinning. Extended cycle.