Lucinda Williams - World Without Tears (live)

Been a world of tears this day. And joy. Seems it is that way often. When I saw Lucinda sing this in Nashville she looked broken and unsure and I was totally convinced she was absolutely right and have found no reason, to date, to think otherwise.

Graveyard At Hurd's Gulch

His grave is strewn with litter again,
crumpled napkins, a plastic spoon, white
styrofoam cup tipped on its side, bright
half-moon of lipstick on the rim.
I want to scold her for the mess she's left,
the flattened grass and squashed grapes,
but I've seen her walking toward the trees,
her hollow body receding, her shadow
following behind. I'm the intruder,
come not to mourn a specific body
but to rest under a tree, my finger tracing
the rows of glowing marble,
the cloud-covered hips of the hills.
I always take the same spot,
next to the sunken stone that says MOTHER,
the carved dates with the little dash between them,
a brief, deep cut, like a metaphor for life.
Does she whisper, I wonder, to the one
she loves, or simply eat and sleep, content
for an hour above the bed of his bones?
I think she brings him oranges and secrets,
her day's torn and intricate lace.
I have no one on this hill to dine with.
I'm blessed. Everyone I love is still alive.
I know there is no God, no afterlife,
but there is this peace, the granite angel
with the moss-covered wings whose face
I have grown to love, her sad smile
like that sadness we feel after sex,
those few delirious hours when we needed nothing
but breath and flesh, after we've flown back
into ourselves, our imperfect heavy bodies,
just before that terrible hunger returns.

Dorianne Laux

Maria Callas - La Mamma Morta

I think this is one of the most beautiful arias by Maria Callas. Yes, it was featured in the film Philadelphia. They could not have chosen a better aria. These are the opening lines:

"They killed my mother
Close by the doorway
leading to my chamber.
In dying,she saved my life."

What a weekend...

The Chieftains did not disappoint. It's hard to feel
sad when you're listening to their music. Even when
they choose a mournful ballad, the loveliness of the music
and the unique vocal qualities simply take you away
(think Long Black Veil). I enjoyed myself in spite
of myself.

I had never been to Bloomington, so I didn't know
what to expect. It's a college town, so there's lots
to do and many wonderful small restaurants to choose
from (all of the big chains too). I opted for Indian
food one day and Panera Bread the next.

But, as with any trip, I am always so nervous
at the thought of traveling that I nearly talk
myself out of going. It's not the traveling,
really, it's traveling with bridges to cross.

I guess I am never going to get over that particular
phobia. To get to Bloomington, I had to cross the Ohio.
I could have crossed into IN from Owensboro, Louisville,
or Evansville, and as Evansville is the closest option,
I took it, but those are the bridges that started
the fear. I had a panic attack going over the northbound
bridge when I was 17 years old. I was taking my great
aunt to see my grandmother. I remember her asking
me if I was ok because it became apparent that something
was wrong with me.

I have not been able to cross those bridges since without
fear raising its ugly head in my brain and heart. I can only do it now
because I'm on medication. It keeps my body from going
into a fight or flight state, but it can't keep my brain from sending
out signals like the Robinson's robot WARNING WARNING
DANGER WILL ROBINSON

So, if my travel plans include bridges to cross, then there is no way
to avoid the apprehension. But I refuse to give up. I just wish
I knew how to make this senseless fear give up the ghost.

Nashville, IN is 16 miles from Bloomington. What a cool place!
Small shops and art galleries, and, of course, 2 wineries.
I stopped in Brown County Winery and Chateau Thomas
Winery. Chateau Thomas had a better selection. They get
most of their grapes from California, but they get some
from Indiana, as does Brown County Winery. I only
bought an Autumn White at BC for my daughter. I prefer
reds. At Chateau Thomas, I got Lauren another white--
a Dry Gewurztraminer from the Yakima Valley. I liked the taste
and think it will go well with Indian food. I bought myself
a Tosca , which has an equal blend of sangiovese and cabernet
sauvignon. It's quite good.

I was more impressed with Butler Vineyards. I went to the tasting
room in Bloomington and sampled several wines, but decided
on the 2003 and 2004 vintage Chambourcin's. Both were good
for different reasons. The '03 is oakier and medium-bodied.
The '04 a bit fruitier and not as full-bodied but good. They actually
grow 80% of their grapes in Indiana.

*

So, it was worth it to cross the bridge, but I still paid the price.
There was no way to get home without crossing it again.

*sigh*

On Saturday night, I dreamed I was getting ready to cross
a bridge. I came to the top of a hill, and as I came down the other
side, which was the bridge, all I could see was bridge for miles.
Not just bridge either. It was a roller coaster bridge. I remember
just gripping the steering wheel and thinking to myself:

There's no turning back and you have no control, so just
let the car go. Just let it go and ride along. I woke up in a sweat.

*

It snowed 2-4 inches in the Bloomington area Sat. night, so I was also
concerned about the roads, but they were fine. I have to take 37
which winds through the Hoosier National forest (or near it). It's
very hilly and curvy and many times the speed limit is only
25 mph, so I wasn't looking forward to the idea of driving it in the snow.

*

My image for the day yesterday: black cattle ambling down
solid white hills. They looked so beautiful and nonchalant
about everything that I felt calm just seeing them. I kept that
image in my head as I crossed the bridge.

Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

What a loss of a great talent. I remember the first time I played Buckley's version of Hallelujah to my friend, Charlye. She told me that night that if she died before me, she wanted it played at her funeral. I honored her wishes.

Hey Laurel, you remember the pictures of leaves you sent me?
I plan to place it on the wall by the French doors (behind
the really sick looking ficus, which is doing much better
I might add). In one of the pics, you can see Oreo, my
black and white feline friend. In the other, you can see
Dante, the old boy. The colors aren't as vibrant on the scan as they really
are and I have changed some things
(brought in more sage green and gold accents). Thought
you'd enjoy seeing the room. It's painted merlot. I am going to send your pic
to my sister as she has the know-how and capability
of enlarging it. I think it's just perfect for my livingroom!

Started my morning with Buckley (which may or may
not show up here, so here's the link) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHVzztYDIyM

Some sun yesterday but cloudy again this morning.

Finished Memories of My Melancholy Whores and
the Alice Sebold memoir Lucky. I would definitely
recommend both, but Marquez is one of my favorite
writers, so that's not an unusual thing to recommend.
Sebold's memoir is about being raped at the age of 18
on the last day of her freshmen year at Syracuse. Troubling
to read but interesting. Trying to finish
The Volcano Lover--slow start--hard to get into.

Also reading Patricia Neal: An Unquiet Life

Making a trip to Bloomington to see The Chieftains.
Hope that picks me up a bit.

Each day I go to the mailbox and hope for some good news
about another job but nothing so far. I wish I could
just enjoy some down time and know that when the right
thing comes along, I'll know, but there's just not much
around here. I also am not ready to start on my master's
though I know it would help to have it. I'm quite tired
of school at this point.