My extreme reaction

 Here is an example of how extreme I can be and am:

I sat down at the kitchen table to take a drink of water (after I had filled a one cup measuring cup with spaghetti and dumped it on a plate so I would know what one cup of spaghetti looks like on a plate so I can pretend I am going to be serious about weight loss and not exceed 1,500 calories a day, but really because I want to drink tonight after 9 nights with no drink but after drinking again the last two nights because I feel so much calmer when I drink) when I noticed an Atmos bill on the table.  Oh, and actually I just realized (after I had finished typing this and posting it) that the only reason I saw the envelope was because I was going to write down all of my calories for the day to see if I could drink tonight and not go over 1,500 calories.  Oh, Jesus.  I thought it was strange to have a bill from Atmos because I pay them online, so I opened it and discovered they had set up a payment plan for my past due amount in the amount of $89.25.  The letter showed how much they would be taking out monthly to pay the past due amount.  I got up and headed for the computer room to go look up my account knowing it pay it monthly when Robin said he saw that (the letter) yesterday but didn't think anything about it.  By that time, I was on hold with the Atmos call number trying to figure out what was going on. I checked my banking account and saw that I last paid in September, so apparently, I missed the October payment.  Then I checked my Atmos statement online and discovered that I did miss October's payment and they added it to this month to come up with $89.25.  So, I went to pay it and the screen was showing past due amount and a balance of 0.00 but I entered the amount at the bottom and it went through.  Then the screen showed that I had a credit on my account of $89.25, but I would not have had a credit because I owed that. Then I asked Robin why he didn't tell me about the letter yesterday and he said he didn't tell me because I "go off" about everything so he's afraid to tell me.  And I just lost it and said, "That's why you need to just leave so I won't be going off on you anymore.  Just leave. I'm miserable and this isn't working and that's why I blow up all of the time. Now, I am gonna get drunk tonight because I can't take this anymore."

Now, my head hurts and I feel terrible and there was really nothing to get upset about at all.  Nothing, really, and everything. 

Some picture to share just so I have something to do to make the time pass

 

I Just Don't Know

 I have been so blue today. 

Nothing feels right or like it will ever be right for me.  I know I have tried. I just feel like so much is out of my control.  The pandemic is out of everyone's control and has limited everyone, so I am not alone in that.  I just feel so alone.  No children nor grandchildren live in town.  I don't have any friends, and even if I did, it's taking a big risk to go visit.  

I feel like the best days of my life have come and gone, and I feel like I am so young to be thinking and feeling that way.  It's so discouraging.  

Back to calorie counting

Calories

Going to start with a daily calorie count of 1800 and start dropping it down to 1500 

3 strips bacon                                      135

scrambled eggs                                    100

cheddar cheese                                    100

coffee with creamer                                 30

bowl of zuppa toscana soup                 446

margarita                                               400

chips                                                      480

Total                                                1690

Tuesday, Sept 29

Two breakfast tortillas with chorizo, spinach, onion, and cheese                       530

Coffee with cream                                                                                                  30

Cottage cheese mixed with yogurt, granola, and walnuts                                    420 

Margaritas and triscuits and cheese (Presidential debate tonight--got slammed)  Horrible godawful thing in the White House just sucks the life out of me

Wednesday, Sept. 30

1.5 breakfast tortillas (same as yesterday) and coffee                                                 400 cal

cottage cheese mixed with vanilla yogurt, cranberries, pecans, and granola              300

I must set goals

 Saturday: 10:30

Wandering aimlessly, as usual.  I must set goals.  I must do better.  I say the same things all of the time but never change. 

Today:

Wash face (done)

Brush hair (done)

Put on make-up (👍)

Wear a bra (yes)

Change shorts and shirt (yes)

Read

Play Solitaire or Word Scrambler (yes)

Cook breakfast and lunch (breakfast is done--two egg omelet with spinach, ham, onion, and cheese)

Take some pics

Sweep and mom the kitchen

Try to move around more

Try to take a walk

Try to eat and drink less

The Silence

 Surprisingly, to me, I haven't heard the ghost of Molly's nails going down the hallway, nor the sound of her rabies tag jingling as she would shake herself off when she woke up. I thought I would hear that over and over again. I hear the silence. I see the empty bed. We have gotten rid of many things, but we still have not parted with her huge crate at the end of our bed nor her bed with the UK (University of Kentucky) blanket on it that has been in the living room for 13 years. I can't do it yet.

A poem that speaks to me today

The Soul Selects Her Own Society
by Emily Dickinson

The soul selects her own society,
Then shuts the door;
On her divine majority
Obtrude no more.

Unmoved, she notes the chariot's pausing
At her low gate;
Unmoved, an emperor is kneeling
Upon her mat.

I've known her from an ample nation
Choose one;
Then close the valves of her attention
Like stone.