Nellie

 In a small room in a small Western KY town my dying mother sang part of this song to my husband and me this afternoon.  I have never heard her sing it, and of all the songs she knows, I do not know why this came to her. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Xe8VxCTV8w

Our Children

 Our adult children many times end up doing things professionally that they never thought they would do. My oldest son has a master's in theology. Things took a drastically different turn for him in life, and he sells cars now for a large dealership. His life in ministry was so important and such a special part of his life that I was very concerned that he would have a hard time making the changes he had to make, but I feel he is happy selling cars, and he is good at it and making tons more money than he likely ever would have teaching or working in some capacity in the church. That does not mean I did not have many sleepless nights worrying for him and about him. I would venture to say I had more than he had, and sometimes that may have been because he could talk to me about it and go to sleep. Sometimes, that is all you can do as a parent. Listen to your child and hope they rest that night because they were able to unload their fears, worries, and despair.

My daughter finished undergrad school with a bachelor's in English. She applied to grad school at Trinity University in Dublin, Ireland and was accepted. She sold her car, left her friends and family, and made her way to Ireland to get a master's in English. Less than two weeks into her Ireland life, she called me and said her anxiety was so severe that she did not think she could stay in Ireland. She wanted to come home, but she did not want to disappoint her family and friends and everyone who believed so much in her. She was so panic-stricken that I called my brother in NYC and asked if he would fly to Ireland to bring her home. He agreed to do so, but he did not have to do so. She made it home. When she got back to the states, she got a job at a domestic violence shelter. She was the advocate and worked the hotline. She decided to get her master's in social work, which she did as she continued to work at the shelter helping the women and children of domestic violence. Part of her master's program required an internship, which she did at the Tennessee Prison For Women. She learned so much from that experience, and she gave so much. Her journey would take me a little while, so I will cut it short. Today, she is a Professor in Infectious Diseases. Her PhD is in Social Work, and her dissertation was about Intimate Partner Violence and its affect on women in South Africa. She traveled there and established a mobile clinic. Until her recent appointment as a research professor, she was the director of behavioral care for a leading HIV/AIDS center. She started college as a dance and theater major, but life had other plans for her.

My youngest child, who is 12 1/2 years behind his brother and 9 1/2 years younger than his sister, works in healthcare management as an advocate. I could not be more proud of the work he is doing, though that is not what he thought he would be doing. He has a double major--a bachelor's in English and a bachelor's in Spanish. He had planned to go to grad school to get his MFA in creative writing, and he also considered translating in court cases and at local shelters who needed some help. He found himself working in healthcare management shortly after graduating from college when no other employment opportunities presented themselves. He hated the politics involved in healthcare management and left it for a few years and worked at an independent eyeglass company in customer relations. When he was only 12 years old, he would go see his sister on the weekends on occasion and assist her and her friends in preparing food for the homeless. One Sunday, he was permitted to be on the food line. That experience has made him a life long activist for the needy and the marginalized. He actively supports any activities in his city linked to helping those in need. He is a tenderhearted young man who lives by his principles.

So, if you don't read anything other than this last paragraph, just know that many many times, your children have dreams and plans for their futures, and those dreams and plans don't reach fruition, but some other dream or plan comes to them, and they find themselves right at home. Just be there to support them in their visions and dreams, and when those don't work out, support them as they embark on a new journey. My best to all of you moms out there. It is an amazing journey, being a mom, with many sleepless and worry-filled nights, but also with so many reasons to celebrate and be proud and hopeful for them and the future. Thanks for asking this question. I think these things about my children often, but I never write about them.

Molly poem, revised from 2007

 For This Day

She tries to catch the crescent

moon in her teeth, this bird

dog crazy red girl, snapping

at air and wind. The geese come

suddenly, while she's in the midst

of her moon chasing scheme,

and throw her off for a moment,

ears perk and front paw lifts--

the expected actions of her breed.

I watch her as I walk past

headstones and mud puddles,

smile in spite of myself, lift

my own front leg in momentary

abandon of reason. I want to be one

with this world as she is, this red

beauty who wrecks my house,

who knocks my friends down,

who readily forgives. I want to love

that freely, want to want that openly,

want to forget being human

for a day. I want to jump in the middle

of the muck right with her,

drink from the dirty water, smell

woodsy and whole. The crescent

is our compass as we leave

the cemetery, her fur matted and wet,

my t-shirt drenched in sweat. We

have lived for those few moments,

have accepted one another, have balanced

ourselves in the chilly autumn air,

and, for this day, it is enough.

Can't be.

 I can't be this old and still be this lost.  And, I can't be this young to be so old.  

My extreme reaction

 Here is an example of how extreme I can be and am:

I sat down at the kitchen table to take a drink of water (after I had filled a one cup measuring cup with spaghetti and dumped it on a plate so I would know what one cup of spaghetti looks like on a plate so I can pretend I am going to be serious about weight loss and not exceed 1,500 calories a day, but really because I want to drink tonight after 9 nights with no drink but after drinking again the last two nights because I feel so much calmer when I drink) when I noticed an Atmos bill on the table.  Oh, and actually I just realized (after I had finished typing this and posting it) that the only reason I saw the envelope was because I was going to write down all of my calories for the day to see if I could drink tonight and not go over 1,500 calories.  Oh, Jesus.  I thought it was strange to have a bill from Atmos because I pay them online, so I opened it and discovered they had set up a payment plan for my past due amount in the amount of $89.25.  The letter showed how much they would be taking out monthly to pay the past due amount.  I got up and headed for the computer room to go look up my account knowing it pay it monthly when Robin said he saw that (the letter) yesterday but didn't think anything about it.  By that time, I was on hold with the Atmos call number trying to figure out what was going on. I checked my banking account and saw that I last paid in September, so apparently, I missed the October payment.  Then I checked my Atmos statement online and discovered that I did miss October's payment and they added it to this month to come up with $89.25.  So, I went to pay it and the screen was showing past due amount and a balance of 0.00 but I entered the amount at the bottom and it went through.  Then the screen showed that I had a credit on my account of $89.25, but I would not have had a credit because I owed that. Then I asked Robin why he didn't tell me about the letter yesterday and he said he didn't tell me because I "go off" about everything so he's afraid to tell me.  And I just lost it and said, "That's why you need to just leave so I won't be going off on you anymore.  Just leave. I'm miserable and this isn't working and that's why I blow up all of the time. Now, I am gonna get drunk tonight because I can't take this anymore."

Now, my head hurts and I feel terrible and there was really nothing to get upset about at all.  Nothing, really, and everything. 

Some picture to share just so I have something to do to make the time pass

 

I Just Don't Know

 I have been so blue today. 

Nothing feels right or like it will ever be right for me.  I know I have tried. I just feel like so much is out of my control.  The pandemic is out of everyone's control and has limited everyone, so I am not alone in that.  I just feel so alone.  No children nor grandchildren live in town.  I don't have any friends, and even if I did, it's taking a big risk to go visit.  

I feel like the best days of my life have come and gone, and I feel like I am so young to be thinking and feeling that way.  It's so discouraging.