How I feel

 I am going to die a sad, lonely woman, like my mother.  Not one person who knew her has called me to express sympathy, other than my friends, some of whom did not know her.  I will die lonely and without a close friend.  I think that is so sad.  I don't know how to change that.  My mother did not know, I think, that she was dying all alone.  I hope that is true for me.  It hurts my heart so much to think I have no one who can be here for me on a regular basis.  I was driving around a few days ago, and I realized I had no one I could just stop in to be with. No one. I thought of all of the people who can pull up at numerous people's houses and say, I need you, and those people are there for them.  I have no one.  I am so tired of being alone and lonely.  I wish for mercy.  I don't know what I ever did to make my life be like this.  I really don't.  I bet if I died this night all kinds of people would post on my FB and contact my family and tell them about how much I mattered to them, but is there one fucking person who reaches out to me regularly, who is there for me? Hell to the fucking no.  Hell no.  Hell no.  I am alone in this journey.  I am alone. 

Trying Times

 I wake up around 2:45 every morning but usually go back to sleep until 4. I don't get up and do anything. I read or play Word Games or Solitaire on my phone and wait for the sun to come up. This morning, I was thinking about things I never do, like go to the local donut shop that has been in this town for many years. First of all, I am not crazy about donuts. I remember loving them as a child, particularly the Krispy Kreme donuts that our mom bought from a Krispy Kreme truck that came down our street on Saturday mornings in Virginia Beach, VA. As an adult, I have eaten them a handful of times. They generally make me feel like I am going to be sick. I don't like sugar first thing in the morning. I like hardy breakfast foods like bacon and eggs. But, this morning, I thought I would get up, get dressed, and go into the Golden Glaze Donut place. I have never been in there. I have anxiety about going in places I have never been in, but I did it. As I was making my way to the little shop, I noticed the beautiful sunrise. There was a beam of light that appeared to be coming from the Earth and reaching into the ether. I took some pictures, but I did not have a good vantage point. The donut shop and the street leading to it are a lower level than my street and drive to get there (all of three blocks). I was go grateful for that message. I could hear Bob Marley and Three Little Birds. Out daughter has been very sick, but she is improving and hopefully, the new meds will help her continue to improve. We spent last Thursday through Tuesday with her, and I know that meant so much to her, as it did to us to be able to help. That beam was telling me that she was working on the better and her body is working on healing. So, I looked up the menu before I went and knew I wanted a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant. And, I knew my husband would want filled Long John's and donut holes. So, I got all of that, but then I spied a few lovely cheese Danishes on the top shelf and got myself one. I am not sorry. I loved every bite. Be pleased when you have an appetite and you don't get sick every time you eat and you aren't nauseated all of the time and you are not in chronic stomach pain. After I ate, I knew I had about 20 plants I needed to plant, but I knew I still had money on my Lowe's gift cards my kids gave me for Christmas, so I went back to Lowe's. I had no idea they opened at 6 AM. Oh, the wonders of early morning I knew nothing about until today! Donut shop opened at 5 and Lowe's at 6. Win win. Today, I planted two knockout roses--a coral and a double bud pink. I also planted three hostas, two San Marzano tomato plants, 12 curly kale plants, 12 red lettuce plants, & six spinach plants. I feel like the day has been so long though I have done much and felt grateful and busy. The light is extraordinary right now. We just had a severe thunderstorm, and everything outside looks like it's in high definition. I need to go take some pics. I hope all of you guys are doing well. Be there for your loved ones. Support them always. Blessings to all.

Note about Wes from April 2011

 Congrats to Wes for being recognized for his writing at UK's thirtieth annual awards ceremony. He was awarded (certificate and cash) for Best Undergraduate Essays in a 200-level Literature or Film Class for his essay "Slavery as an Echo: Narration in Beloved."

Thoughts from 2010

 We are more similar than we are different. We all need food, water, love, belief in something larger than ourselves, even if the larger is nothing more than the intricate mating of such a small creature as the snail.

11

On Vulnerability

 “Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”

― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

5Lauren Brown, Lynn Curtis and 3 others

From Tiny Beautiful Things

 From tiny beautiful things (Cheryl Strayed):

"I can't tell you what to do. No one can. But as the mother of two children, I can tell you what most moms will: that mothering is absurdly hard and profoundly sweet. Like the best thing you ever did. Like if you think you want to have a baby, you probably should. I say this in spite of the fact that children are giant endless suck machines. They don't give a whit if you need to sleep or eat or pee or get your work done or go out to a party naked and oiled up in a homemade Alice B. Toklas mask. They take everything. They will bring you to the furthest edge of your personality and abso-fucking-lutely to your knees.

They will also give you everything back. Not just all they take, but many of the things you lost before they came along as well."

I sure thought about my early years as a mother, and I thought about the mothers of young children I know as I read this passage,

Lauren Brown

and

Daisy Jayne

.

This is a response to a letter Dear Sugar received from a single woman who wanted a child but felt she would never have a husband (she's 38) and wasn't sure what to do. There is much more to read in the response. Buy the book. I love it in ways I can't really explain. Strayed is hard-ass firm in some responses but genuine and her responses are thought-provoking.

The Edge

 “When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe one of two things: either there will be ground to stand on, or you will be given wings to fly.”