An Unfree Life

 “The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

-- Albert Camus

A More Simple Life

 “I think perhaps we want a more conscientious life. We're tired of drudging and sleeping and dying. We're tired of always deferring hope to the next generation. We're tired of hearing the politicians and priests and cautious reformers (and the husbands!) coax us, 'Be calm! Be patient! Wait! We have plans for a Utopia already made; just give us a bit more time and we'll produce it; trust us; we're wiser than you.' For ten thousand years they've said that. We want our Utopia now - and we're going to try our hands at it. All we want is - everything for all of us! For every housewife and every longshoreman and every Hindu nationalist and every teacher. We want everything. We sha'n't get it. So we sha'n't ever be content -”

― Sinclair Lewis, Main Street

Sky & Rubble

 "Handful of senators don't pass legislation..."

Hi Def

 "Everybody is making love or else expecting rain

And the Good Samaritan, he's dressing, he's getting ready for the show

He's going to the carnival tonight on Desolation Row"

Bob Dylan

Darkness

 "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friends

 Dixie called a few days ago and thanked me for being a friend.  She said she was feeling all emotional and sentimental and felt she wanted to tell me how much my friendship means to her.  She said I allowed her or let her be herself and she appreciated that.  I was glad she called.  She lets me be me, too, but I am not ever all me with anyone. I feel I can't be, and I lose out, time and time again. 

I was thinking about the friend thing.  I want a friend who lets me be me, but I don't think my friends can let me be me because they love or care deeply about Robin, so I can't really be me.  I also need a friend who can take care of me for whatever amount of time it takes, and I don't have a friend who can do that.  One friend is an evangelical. I would not feel comfortable staying at her home.  I have stayed with her, and I feel negative vibes from her husband.  I could not just go there and crash.  I want a friend who will let me sleep all day (something I have never done in my life and likely won't do until I am out of it. I want a friend who cooks everything for me and cleans up.  I am tired of doing all of that and don't want to do my part of cooking and cleaning.  I want a friend who lets me sip my margaritas in the evening and blather on about poetry, music, art, politics, movies.  I do not drink during the day and don't plan to make that a part of my life, and I know I need to cut down the evening toddies, but they keep me going in all of my aloneness. 

I ask for too much, and that is why I don't really have a friend. 

I am broken

 She wants a baby out of this arrangement, and she isn't going to get one as long as someone is very ill, throwing up blood, can't work.  She can't.  No wonder she doesn't send a message.