Losing It

 Either Robin leaves or I find Theo a home, cancel the fence at Lowe's and pay whatever they charge me, and I vanish. I can't do this much longer.  I really can't. 

Theo deserves a home where people are alive and well.  I am dying by degrees living with this man who looks like death.  No joy.  Darkness every day...I can't take much more.  I can't.  My kids don't fucking care.  They only care about what is happening to their father.  Do any of them think I am serious when I say I have had enough?  No.  They don't care.  They don't say or do anything.  I am so sick of living like this.  This is not living. 

My loves

 I am pretty tired, my loves. I hope I have time to figure out how to believe in my right to keep living.  I love you guys so much.  I don't know that there is much left for me to accomplish on this Earth, but I do believe the grandbabies need grandparents, so I keep pushing myself to be here for them.  And, for me. I don't want you to think at all that I don't want to be here because I do.  I am just worn out  But, I am not done.  Who knows what the future holds?  Maybe the best years are going to be in the third third part of my existence on this planet.  I do not know. 

I am too old and too young

 I am too old to know what it would feel like to be younger and in love.  I can never know that, ever again.  I weep for not ever knowing. Maybe it isn't that big of a deal, but I will never know, and that is what I must let go of. 

Things were not good when I got married.  From the marriage came the greatest joys of my life, and I really don't know why I am typing that in because my kids and grandkids know how much I love them. 

Well, Jay, therapist dude, I don't think I need you.  I think I have this figured out, but I will talk to you a few more times and appease you and do some worksheets. 

Not Going Anywhere

 So, I am free now, and I have removed the clip from my hair and cut my bangs.  I feel like 50 pounds have been removed from my body (it needs 50 more on top of that).  I am free. 

Yep

 “As you get older, you really just want to be surrounded by good people. People who are good for you, good to you and good for your soul.”

Second therapy session

 My new therapist gave me an assignment. Pages 18 & 19 from the ACT downloadable worksheets.  Granted, he gave them at the end of the session, but I have this feeling that worksheets are the answer to everything for him, though I may be judging harshly because I am pissed off.  I am pissed off that, after looking at the worksheets and thinking about how I will respond to the prompts, I know now that I will not make any changes to my life at this time.  How is that for worksheet effectiveness?  Pretty damned good. 

Mindsets

 Fixed Mindset:

"Believing that your qualities are carved in stone--the fixed mindset--creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over.  If you have only a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character--well, then you'd better prove that you have a healthy dose of them.  It simply wouldn't do to look or feel deficient in these most basic characteristics."

Growth Mindset:

"There's another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you're dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you're secretly worried it's a pair of tens. In this mindset, the hand you're dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way--in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments--everyone can change and grow through application and experience."

From the book Mindsets by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.