Really on edge today. ..
I woke up this morning thinking
today would be the day I would start trying
to pull myself together. So, after taking
Wes to school, I took a 2 1/2 mile walk.
Then I went to the pet store and got Molly
a harness, new leash, and some toys.
Next stop, the grocery. I was feeling fine.
Bought a few things for the next couple
of days and felt excited about cooking
something wonderful--tandoori salmon
with a red onion and cucumber yogurt raita.
Brought it all home, put it away, checked
my email, got Molly out of her crate, went
outside with her and played for a little while
and then, almost all of a sudden, this uneasiness
settled all over my body. I just feel like my skin
is crawling.
Now:
1) Molly can't do anything right
2) The cats are getting on my nerves
3) My house is a mess
4) My life is a mess
5) I am overweight and out of shape
6) I am a drunk
7) I am a loser
8) I am a whiner
9) I'm an emotional wreck
10) Everything feels wrong
*
I actually felt good when I was walking this morning.
I was thinking about something unpleasant, something
that changed my entire life, something that has cost
me so much, something I have tried and tried to write
about and to let go of, and I was thinking I would write
about it when I got back and that I would start
putting it in its place and that writing about it
would help me do that, but I can't write about it.
It's about when I died, really. When I decided
I had no right to live any longer. And though I've done
a first rate job at times at leaving it in the past, it
has never left me. It's been my shadow even in the darkness.
It's been there in every happy moment, and it's been
the cause of many unhappy ones.
*
Molly gave up the ghost. She curled up on the rug
here near the computer. I guess she figures sleeping
is something she can do right and won't get scolded
for.
*sigh*
5 comments:
waahh! you stole my list!
seriously, except for #6 it's identical to mine in every way. and even #6 is a used to be still wanna be kinda thing that i've just barely managed to keep off the list most of the time.
are you bipolar? there seems to be fairly regular manic/depressive component to your temperament. but he, i don't pretend to know you that well at all, maggie, so forgive me if i seem presumptious; like most people, i can only read the signs i see in myself, and there's no reason to assume they exist in others.
the meal sounds marvelous. hope you got it accomplished. me, i had pintos and cooked cabbage today. burp, and that other stuff.
Hi jim,
good to see you. I've had a really off day. Seems I have a bunch of them these days.
Many years ago my therapist wanted to start me on lithium because my mood swings were so bad. But I didn't want to go on it. I thought all of that was behind me now, but I am still yo-yoing.
Yo, yo, yo
ma.
I didn't get my dinner cooked, but I did cook some chicken parmesan, squash and onions, and steamed broccoli. The salmon will have to wait.
Looking for my Oreo now. I can't find her. I pray she hasn't gotten out.
I love pintos. Burp back to you!
amen on the yo-yo, me too.
but squash and onions, oh god, yes, and the chicken and broccoli, lordy lordy, yes the salmon can stand in line behind that any day.
1. You got up; you got out of bed.
2. You decided today would be the day that you would try.
3. You walked 2 1/2 miles.
4. You went to the store; you purchased food and toys.
5.You played with your puppy.
6. You tried.
That looks like a pretty damned good list to me, kiddo.
Try to embrace what you did today. You did alot, Maggie.
Even if today wasn't the day, you tried.
If you haven't tried therapy, I can't urge you strongly enough to give it a try.
If you haven't tried AA, again, I can't urge you strongly enough to give it a try.
Whatever it is that is clinging to you, whatever it is that you say changed your life forever shouldn't have this much power over you. You say that you died, that this thing killed you. And yet, you are here, alive, the woman who woke up this morning and walked 2 1/2 miles and played with her dog and tried. Maybe you aren't who you were, but you are here, Maggie. You have survived.
This will probably sound silly but bear with me. Maybe you should force yourself to write about that shadow and then burn that piece or those pieces of paper. Immolation. By watching it go up in flames, you will be destroying it, cremating it, and simultaneously cleansing yourself of it.
I died in high school. Who I was going to be was gone, dead by the time I graduated. It took me years to forgive the people who damaged me. It took me more years to forgive myself for letting those people damage me.
Maggie, I know whatever I'm saying here is all wrong, but please know that my heart is with you.
You tried today. It might feel like nothing now, but geez, that's everything, kid.
Oh my, I just looked back over this and boy is it long! Sorry for rambling so--I just couldn't help myself.
I know I tried yesterday, but I guess not hard enough. I just, so badly, want to let so many hurtful things go.
I also want to and need to recognize that I don't have to:
have all the answers
all the patience
all the kindness
all the love
all the nurturing
all the self-sacrificing
all the pressure of trying to be, yikes, good, for lack of a better word
good.
It's ok to be bad sometimes if:
bad is angry and anger needs to be channeled before one can move on
if bad is indifferent
if bad is not getting all the work done
if bad is not taking the call from someone because I am not up to talking
if bad is drinking too much so I can escape for a little while
I really detest the good/bad thing or even thinking in those terms, but some days it seems I struggle because I feel I am not "good" enough
I also don't do bad that well--I mean, if I am going to do something wrong, why not really do it wrong!!!!
I was in therapy for many years and found it helpful, but I honestly don't think there's anything she (my therapist) could tell me now that I don't already know. Would it help to just unload? You betcha, but I am jobless and had to purchase some insurance. It's basically a catastrophic illness type of plan, so I would have to pay for the visit out of pocket. My guess is about 180 for an hour these days. If things get much worse, though, I would consider going to see her.
I tried AA and found nothing about it helpful or appealing to me. I can't take all the religion talk, but more than that, I found it depressing. The two times I went, there were people there who talked about how they had gone 10 years without a drink and then started again, so they were being recognized for their 90 days or something. They need that community to support them, but I didn't feel I could be a part of their community. I don't feel that a person has to stop drinking entirely, but the 12 step program insists that you do.
I took a drug and alcohol abuse course in college and we covered the 12 steps (far too thoroughly, I thought). The instructor is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 20+ years. He really thought it was the only cure (which implies disease--the jury's still out on that one as far I am concerned, though there is certainly reason to believe it may be) for alcoholism. It's just not for me. I support those who find strength and solace there, and I have encouraged others to try it out.
I have also asked myself and thought very carefully about whether or not I am an alcoholic. I know I am not. I am an abuser, but alcohol doesn't run my life. I can go days without it, I don't need it in the morning, I don't engage in risky behavior (something I did in the past when alcohol was running my life), and I don't drive after drinking. Do I crave it? Not really. I crave the escape it affords me. If I could find a way for my mind to get there without alcohol, I would do it, but I would still want my wines because I love the different tastes. I would still like the occasional margarita because I like the taste. Beer I could do without, and the same is true for whiskey, rum, vodka, etc.
All that said, I comfess to drinking nearly every night. Drinking to calm me. Drinking so I can lose my inhibitions. Drinking so I can laugh more and cry more. Drinking so I can talk to people. Drinking to escape for a little while. Those are all probably red flag reasons to stop.
*sigh*
You said:
You say that you died, that this thing killed you. And yet, you are here, alive, the woman who woke up this morning and walked 2 1/2 miles and played with her dog and tried. Maybe you aren't who you were, but you are here, Maggie. You have survived.
Yes, some times it's the walking dead syndrome thing. I have survived, but I have done so because I have fought like a mad woman to try to get through one day and into the next. I really want to live this life without those shackles that keep me bound, that keep my body dragging around, dragging me down, sometimes dragging those around me down.
I don't want to live in fear and regret for the rest of my days.
What a waste.
I was not well before the event that changed my life took place, but that just clinched it for me. Clinched the self-destruct mode. Pushed the major button.
That being said, I had my children after that event. I had happy, joyful, fun days with them. I was, and still am, a good mom. A very flawed and half-whacked mom, but a truthful one. There has been no greater joy than that of having and loving my children. But your children grow up and leave you, as they should. They are still your joy, but they cannot be your only joy. They would not want to be. They would not want you to be that dependent and it would be unfair to put them in a position like that--to feel that they are responsible for mom's joy kind of thing--does that make any sense?
You said that you thought everything you were saying was probably all wrong. Au contraire, dear LKD. You offered to me--a person who is in a state of despair--you offered your thoughts, you pointed out the strengths that I could not focus on for thinking about the failures (as I saw them) of my day yesterday. You brought up therapy and AA and I think it's always important for a person to consider places that they may find help and camraderie.
You helped me to recognize that I did try, dammit, and that's important. I thank you, and dearest jim, for being here for me.
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