Strange things

I had some kind of episode today when I was working on my ribs. My head started feeling "funny"--I don't have another description that works at the moment. Then, I felt like I was going to pass out. The room was reeling. I did not have any pain--just incredible pressure. It felt like my head was going to explode. I started thinking I was having a stroke or that I have a brain tumor and it's pressing on some nerves. It scared the hell outta me. It took it about 45 minutes to an hour to go away. I finally managed to get the ribs covered and in the oven, and then I went in Lauren's room and laid down.  I felt a little nauseated and had pressure in my ears as well.  Yesterday and the day before, my nose hurt. There was actual pain in the bone. It is not painful today, but I wonder if all of these things are related.  Robin asked me if I wanted to go to the ER, but I said no. He got my water and brought it to me.

After lying down for 45 minutes or so, I got up, made potato salad, sliced the squash, onions, and some poblanos to cook tonight, and came back here to check FB. I am starting to feel the pressure again, so I am going to go lie down.  Look at this screen seems to make it worse.

I'll update later. I have more I want to say.

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I accepted a friend request from a friend who lives here in Madville. I had unfriended her when I did the great unfriending last March or April. I unfriended anyone from high school and anyone who lives in Madville (except for one high school friend and my neighbor).  I decided if none of those who lived in this town had time for me other than to say something to me on FB then I didn't want any part of that. I don't want to see what they are doing with all of their friends when they never come see me.  It was too painful for me to be reminded of all I don't have.  I am trying to focus on all of the good I have in my life--my children and grandchildren, my home, my yard. 

I found myself feeling not as good as others--not as pretty, not as skinny, not as well-liked, not as motivated, house not as nice or pretty or renovated, not in a happy relationship like them, etc. etc.  I am the one with the problem, but it wasn't helping me to see them here on FB.  I don't visit them either. It started feeling voyeuristic. If I am not going to be involved in a meaningful relationship outside of FB with people who live here in this town, then what is the point? I only know anything about them because I see their pics. If they were true friends, wouldn't we be having lunch or dinner together? Wouldn't I know what the inside of their houses look like? Wouldn't I know how their family is doing?  But, I don't, because none of them contact me outside of FB.

So, I accepted the request. I feel ambivalent. She has soooooo many "real" friends. I don't want to see things on her FB. She goes so many places and spends so much time with her family and friends. It makes me feel sad and jealous, and I don't want to feel either of those things. I am trying to get better.

Today has been a rough day, but whatever was going on with my head earlier is better.

Late summer

The yard 2018-2019

Flowers and seeds

Be willing

I posted this quote on my Timeline and on the Grateful Gardener's site: "Be willing to be a beginner every single morning." Meister Eckhart.

I need to remind myself of that every day.  If I failed myself or someone else in some way, if I didn't reach any goals, if I didn't dare to dream, I must be willing to be a beginner every single day. I have to lose this weight.  I didn't eat too much yesterday, but I drank too much.  The good news is that I have lost some weight. On 8/26, I weighed 259.  Friday, 9/06, I weighed 255.8.  I am going to try to lose 1-2 pounds per week. My goal right now is to lose 25 pounds between now and 11/01 (that would be 2 pounds per week) or by 2/23/20 (that would be a pound per week).  I will try not to get discouraged if I only lose one pound per week.  My weight at that time will be 230.8. 

That looks so terrible, but it is what it is, and all I can do now is try to get healthier and quit wallowing in the number on the scale and how I got here.  I just have to keep trying.

Here's a picture of my hanging on with all my might:

Discouraged

Met up with Karen, Kerry, Becca, Josh, Meg & little Oliver for dinner at The Crowded House last night. Josh and Meg were in town visiting.  I haven't seen them since Oliver was a baby (he's 3 now). This was the first time Karen had reached out to me since I went off Facebook in February (I am back on but unfriended almost everyone, including Karen. Not because I don't like them--for reasons I'll write about later).  We enjoyed our time together.  It was nice that someone thought of me and asked me to be there.  The waitress took a picture of all of us, and Becca sent it to me.  From the minute I saw it, I felt nothing but disgust for what I have become physically.  I won't call myself awful names this morning, but I am going to put the picture on here and look at it often to remind myself that I am morbidly obese.  There is no excuse for that.  I don't care if I am depressed, living in a shell of a marriage, unhappy, etc.  Other people feel those things and don't let themselves get morbidly obese. I have more I want to say, but for some reason, when I sit down here and start writing, I lost the desire to say all of the things that were going through my mind from 2:30 AM-7:00 AM (guessing that is when I fell back asleep). It is 10:06 now, and I need to eat.  For comparison, I put pics of me from 2010 or 2011. I was 30 pounds overweight then and felt so unbelievably large, but boy how I would love to weigh 190 again. The first pic here is from last night.

Zinnias