Discouraged

Met up with Karen, Kerry, Becca, Josh, Meg & little Oliver for dinner at The Crowded House last night. Josh and Meg were in town visiting.  I haven't seen them since Oliver was a baby (he's 3 now). This was the first time Karen had reached out to me since I went off Facebook in February (I am back on but unfriended almost everyone, including Karen. Not because I don't like them--for reasons I'll write about later).  We enjoyed our time together.  It was nice that someone thought of me and asked me to be there.  The waitress took a picture of all of us, and Becca sent it to me.  From the minute I saw it, I felt nothing but disgust for what I have become physically.  I won't call myself awful names this morning, but I am going to put the picture on here and look at it often to remind myself that I am morbidly obese.  There is no excuse for that.  I don't care if I am depressed, living in a shell of a marriage, unhappy, etc.  Other people feel those things and don't let themselves get morbidly obese. I have more I want to say, but for some reason, when I sit down here and start writing, I lost the desire to say all of the things that were going through my mind from 2:30 AM-7:00 AM (guessing that is when I fell back asleep). It is 10:06 now, and I need to eat.  For comparison, I put pics of me from 2010 or 2011. I was 30 pounds overweight then and felt so unbelievably large, but boy how I would love to weigh 190 again. The first pic here is from last night.