Thinking

We had Isaac from 9/16-9/24 (today). We met Christopher in Bardstown today to drop off Isaac. Tuesday is Christopher's day with Isaac. If he has any other, I am not aware of it. He used to see Isaac on Tuesday and Sunday, but I don't know if he sees Isaac on Sunday anymore.

I don't know what Isaac knows. It puts me in a terrible position. In the divorce decree Christopher signed, it says that Isaac cannot be around Christopher's paramour without Jessica's permission. That's so ridiculous I don't even have the words for it, but Christopher agreed to that so he could finalize the divorce. Again, I know so little about anything in his life that I am not going to even write about it. I am going to write about how I feel at this moment.

As I said, we met Christopher in Bardstown to drop off Isaac.  I sent Jessica a text tonight saying, "Tell Isaac we miss some G. Gordon Liddy time with him. I added a laughing emoji.  She responded with this, "Will do." I then texted, "He's a Baby Boomer whiz kid!" She responded with this, " Full of useless knowledge! Just like his dad." And, she used an emoticon my phone doesn't recognize because it is so old. Fucking gooddamn bitch. Included her in a brunch with us this past Sunday as I felt it would help Isaac to feel more of a sense of family. That's the last fucking time the bitch gets invited. I am too damn nice to her because I am for Isaac. No fucking more.

I am also a loser in the highest degree. I have many times felt bad about myself. I feel horrible about me. I have so little patience with the grandbabies. I do well for a few days with Isaac, and then I start feeling stressed out. He is with his mother the majority of the time and has no other model or example of how to use appropriate behavior (not talking out of turn, not messing with other people's things without asking, etc.). I try to teach, but I also feel overwhelmed at times, as I do with Zollie and Keen. Those three are the reason I keep on keeping on and wish so much they lived here, but I certainly don't handle the stress of every day grandparenting. I say stress because I just feel so tired at times and like I just need an hour for me. 

Anyway. I have more to say, but I can't type worth a shit and it takes so long to type in my thoughts that I just give up and will go to bed again with no one to talk to, no one to share my feelings with, no one to try to help me feel better or normalize my feelings. I am utterly, utterly alone.