Sunday, January 16, 2022
All Things Go
I have made a lot of mistakes...not just in my mind, but in my mind, I make more, I think.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_-cUdmdWgU
Derek Walcott Poem
Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Thinking
Thinking about something Dixie said when we were talking last week. I don't remember what she was saying at the time, but she had been talking about things you do when you're drunk and how smoking weed and driving isn't DUI driving, etc. I told her about the time she brought Sunny and Skyla to stay at the condo with Becca and me, and that Sunny threw her pot on the table and said, "Dixie said you were cool with it." I told Sunny that I didn't care who smoked pot, but that I didn't smoke pot, and I didn't want it in the condo. She said she was cool with that and took it to her car. I told Dixie it upset me that she violated my feelings and completely ignored my asking that she not bring pot with her. She told me she wouldn't. I was telling her about that and some other times when she seemed to have total disregard for my feelings, and though I never used those words, whatever I was telling her at one particular point in time brought these words from her mouth: "I feel like I'm being attacked." I stopped talking, and I said, "Really? You do?" And she said yes, she did. I apologized and said a friend should never feel like another friend is attacking her. I haven't felt like talking to her since. If I can say something to her that makes her feel attacked, and she's tough and will call BS and tell the truth, then I have to question the kind of friend I am, as I often do, by the way.
Daughter Detox keeps coming to mind. The book I read about how to detox from an unloving mother. The author talks about the inability for unloved daughters to form lasting friendships or relationships. That is me alright, whether it is a result of being an unloved daughter or my own inability to know how to do the dance.
Decisions
So, I have decided to start seeing a therapist. There are no therapists in this town that I would see, so I found one on Psychology Today. He is located in Louisville and is a PsyD. We will talk on the phone tomorrow and go from there. I have been so ready for this, but now I feel anxious and ridiculous, like what do I have to complain or talk about? I'm mostly just lonely. He can't do much with that except make suggestions.
We'll see how this goes.
On the plus side (which is really the minus side), I have lost 14 pounds since September 4th, 2021. I lost most of it by 11/04/21. I didn't gain over the holidays, but I didn't lose either. At the doctor last Wednesday (1/12/21), I weighed 247.2 pounds. I never thought I would see the day that I would say I was quite pleased to weight that amount, but for several years now, I have been over 250. I weighed 265.8 on 9/03/21, but the next day, I weighed 263.2, so I am using that weight to gauge how much weight I have lost. So, that's a loss of 16 going by the scales at the doctor's office, but I weigh two more than that on my scales. Only 90 more pounds to lose. Woot woot! I'm being facetious. That's just incredulous that I can weigh so much, but it is what it is, and I do weigh this much.
