It's a rare day I feel appreciated for who I am, but today helped

I post pictures on a website called The Wannabe Nature Photographer.  They have some great nature photographers that I absolutely can't compete with in terms of amazing shots, but I post my pics and just let that be. I posted a picture of train tracks tonight and got so many positive comments. I am going to post them here and the pic:

"this is a masterpiece!!!"

I am trying to copy/paste bu can't. Basically, people love the shot and have said some very kind things about me and my photos. 

If I can figure out how to post comments tomorrow, I will. Too tired now. It's 11:11. 



this

Two more pics

Train Tracks

Me, at 25

Turning point in this whole catastrophe (and, yes, this is about my weight)

I am done.

I can't handle the stress any longer and the unhappiness of living with a husband who is perpetually depressed and not a partner in any sense of the word and I am considered to be the one who is supposed to take care of him. I can't.  I can't take care of me.

My anxiety is so bad again that I don't want to leave the house.

I had my first full-blown panic attack at Wal Mart yesterday (I know that comment could certainly elicit some laughter, but a panic attack is not funny).

I am so worn down from this constant stress of living with a person who can't do things for himself or won't.  He has two working legs, two working arms, he can see, he can hear (somewhat), he can function, but he chooses to stay depressed and won't get any help, which has in turn made me completely and utterly exhausted and depressed.

I can't take much more.

I am shutting myself off in the bedroom.  I am hardly moving around.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I am having so many anxiety episodes as I am feeling more hopeless than I ever have in my life.  My only hope to be better is to be out of this environment, and I do not know how to do that without feeling guilty or feeling like my children will hate me the rest of my life. 

This has totally wrecked me. 

I am so sad. I am so sad. I just want to live and go places and see things and feel hopeful.

I am so tired.

Pointless

I am doing nothing to make my life better. I am eating chips and dip and drinking margaritas. If it was hip to be fat, I would have no guilt.  I'm done with this stupid journey.

The fat saga, cont (ad nauseum)

Breakfast:

Cereal with milk                               240
cheese                                                 60
coffee with creamer                            30

Total:                                                 330

Blew it again last night. What's new? I need to eat more fruit and vegetables.  I haven't had any vegetables since the day I made pork chops with creamy mushroom sauce and roasted asparagus (about 5 days ago). I had one salad the next day and some romaine and an avocado with my street tacos, but that's it.

I'll try to eat some veggies today and eat an apple

Lunch:

2 chorizo and chicken street tacos with 1/2 avocado, romaine, onion, cheddar cheese, taco sauce, cilantro and lime:                     
tortillas                                       100
avocado                                         75
chorizo and chicken                    250
cheese                                           75
onions, romaine, cilantro, lime     50
glass of cranberry juice                110

Total:                                             660

Total for breakfast and lunch:    990
Total remaining for the day:      610