Reading Cicero's "On Old Age"
He says:

Men, of course, who have no resources in themselves for securing a good and happy life find every age burdensome. But those who look for all happiness from within can never think anything bad which Nature makes inevitable.

Can never think anything bad if you look for happiness from within. Hmmmm....

What if you don't know how to do that? Is it something you can learn? Something innate? Something innate that gets lost in the environmental chaos of one's upbringing? Is it possible?

I started this last week some time and got busy. Today, there are things I could be doing right now at work, but I recognize that my brain is in slo-mo and it might be best to leave some things until tomorrow. Sunny, beautiful day out there, but really foggy in my head.

I feel sleep-deprived but actually think that I got some decent sleep last night. Of course, there were dreams on top of dreams. I have forgotten most of them now, but one remains clear simply because the colors were so vibrant--eye candy like Moulin Rouge. But the things happening were strange and frightening.

I was in a former neighbor's house. A plane had crashed right next to it. It looked like a huge snake making love to the side of her house. It slid in there like it was meant to be there, and it didn't cause an explosion, but the house was very damaged. I remember she had this beautiful cerulean blue ceiling with some type of a faceted light fixture that cast a very bright white light onto the ceiling and walls (they were blue as well). It was a pulsating light that seemed to skip around the room like there were thousands of little tinker bells dancing around in there. She pointed to the ceiling and showed me the damage from the plane. It looked like the ceiling was bursting at the seams, and I could see all sorts of beautiful quilts protruding from the gaping plaster--Double Wedding Rings, Tulips, Honeycombs, Crazy Quilts, Sunshine and Shadows, Pennsylvania Flower Baskets--so many vibrant colors and patterns. I remember thinking that she must have been insulating her house with those beautiful quilts. I also remember feeling that we probably needed to get out of there as the roof could go at any time, but she was in no hurry. Then someone came in the house (one of her children it seems). She had a green kitten, and I said, "I've never seen an emerald green cat before. How extraordinary! Where did you get it?" It was so small (maybe the size of a guinea pig). I reached out to pet it and it bit me. She told me it wasn't very friendly, and it wasn't feeling well. Then I noticed that it had what appeared to be a sanitary napkin between its legs. The neighbor changed the pad and I remember thinking that the poor thing was going to bleed to death. Then I woke up.

Oh Carl, where are you when I need you!!!!

On my door, I taped a Douglas Adams quote:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."