15th day of the 7th month of the longest 3 months of my life


Took my mom, my niece from FL, and my youngest son to see a local
production of The Sound of Music last night. First night Mom has been out
since Dad died. She made it ok, though she looked extremely tired when
it was all over. She was a volunteer at the Fine Arts Center for a number
of years, and then they actually made her their photographer, so she and Dad
were there for all the musicals, art shows, plays, and performances. At some
point it got to be too much for her, so she gave it up and she and Dad stopped
going for the most part--they went to an occasional show, but Dad was slowing down
and it was hard for him to see at night to drive home. It seems to me that I took
them to the last show dad attended, but I can't recall what we went to see. I can
just remember helping dad get to the car. His hip was complete bone-on-bone and it
was terribly difficult for him to walk, so I just hooked arms with him all the way
to the car. It looked more like he was escorting his daughter to the car than being
helped by her. God, why were we out there? Annie maybe? Yes, yes. It was Annie.

I had another melt down the other night--body racked by sobs--could hardly breathe
I was crying so hard. This terrible missing. This thought that I may never see
my dad again. This aching to hear him laugh, to hear him come in my back
door and call out, "Whoa, Sis, are you home?" He'd come with food Mom had cooked
(trying to lighten my load a bit--school, work, a two hour commute to school at night,
taking care of my youngest son--15 now--trying to keep the home fires burning
kind of thing), or he would come here with books and magazines Mom thought I may
want, or he would just stop in to chat when he was on his way home from the store.
Or he would come by after he'd been to the Farmer's Market and bring me fresh corn,
tomatoes, melons, yellow squash, and whatever other fruits and veggies were in season.
Or he would come by to drop off a birthday gift or a wedding gift. Or he would come
by to see how the home renovation was going. Most of the time Mom was with him,
but she preferred to wait in the car. She didn't like for him to drive alone. He was slowing
down and he couldn't hear well and she worried he may run a light or something.

Oh Dad, do you know how much I miss you?

I best stop now before I get all teary and incapable of doing anything. I am going outside
to start putting together my arbor I bought at Lowe's. It's for Dad's garden which I've
started out back. I bought some beautiful clematis to put on either side of it and some of
the most extraordinarily beautiful garden phlox to plant at the entrance to the garden.
The heat index is supposed to be 105 today, so I best get out while it's early and not too
terribly miserable.