Rather low key day
today. Son (youngest) called at 5:45this a.m. Had spent
the night with a friend and was feeling bad.
He still feels bad--throat and headache.
I worry about these kids. I guess my worries
are a bit trivial in light of many other worries
parents have, but I asked if he had taken a drink
of someone's drink (thinking mono). My daughter
contracted mono at age 19 or 20 and the Epstein
Barr virus stayed in her system and she has been
fighting CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) since
that time. She is much improved. She credits
much of that to a gluten-free diet.
She is 26 today. I sent her a card and said
I didn't remember much about being 26,
but I do, as I found out as I was writing her
a note in the card.
The summer before I turned 26, we went to L.A.
for the first time. Griffith Observatory, Hollywood
Wax Museum, Hollywood Bowl (the L.A. philharmonic
was doing a salute to Wagner--the Olympics were
taking place), Graumann's Chinese Theatre, Knott's
Berry Farm, Disney, etc. etc.
We went to Lancaster to visit my grandmother.
I knew if I was ever going to see her again, I would
have to go, and I wanted to, but my panic disorder
was so bad and my fear of flying so extreme that I didn't
know how I was going to do it, but, hello Amtrak!
We took the train from St. Louis to L.A. Long trip
but one filled with many exciting (and terrifying
moments--like when the power went out
and we were in the middle of a mountain tunnel
between CO and NM). But, but--I made it,
and I was so happy to see my grandmother.
*
All of this makes me think of the trip my daughter
and I just took to Naples in late May. She wanted
to take a boat to the Keys, or just drive there.
I hate!!! bridges, so I couldn't bear the thought
of driving over all that water, and I don't like
to be out on boats, so that was out. Of course,
there was a daily flight there as well, but with
my fear of flying, that was not an option.
So,we got home, and I thought, and I still think--
why?
Why do I have to live my life in this fear?
Why is everything I do so defined by these tangible
things?
*
And I wish I was well and whole and could seize every
opportunity for fun and new and being alive.
3 comments:
This is a great post, Maggie.
Maybe if you write some poems, lots and lots of poems, about bridges and tunnels, trains, planes, boats, etc. you will have confronted your fear and then overcome it. If not, maybe you'll end up with some great poems. Just a thought.
I was terrified the first time I flew. I took a xansx to calm me and it helped and wasn't so bad. I'm glad I managed to work it out, and was later able to fly all the way to England.
I've written poems about bridges...many and it's been many a year since I wrote one. I drive over them, but it's always difficult. Tunnels I've written about too. Trains show up in many of my poems (not afraid to be on one though perhaps I should be). I live near the train tracks, so it's not unusual for one of my poems to mention the southbound train.
I take Xanax daily for my panic disorder. I would need something much more powerful to help me fly somewhere. I so much want to experience an airplane trip and believe I will.
I used to think if I just tried hard enough all of these fears would just vaporize--vanish like the dew when early morning gives way to late morning. But such is not the case.
Thanks for your encouragement, T.
But know that you're not the only one afraid of plane rides, though I understand you have more complicated anxiety, a story: On my second flight ever, on my way from Dallas/Ft. Worth to Chicago, we had some really, really bumpy turbulence. It was a little frightening and the gal next to me kept ordering those little bottles of cognac (at $5 each) to calm her nerves. And it was like 7:00 in the morning!
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