Falling into the hole: Rilke and other things


This sounds conceptual. I don't have any other language for it
yet. I need to move directly into the hole. Out of my head, out of
my reasoning, out of my ego, anxieties, fantasies of control. I
need to fall into the hole as I have never allowed myself, and be
led through darkness.

Nobody can counsel and help you, nobody. There is only one
single way. Go into yourself. Search for the reason that bids you
write, find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest
place of your heart...Delve into yourself for a deep answer...then
build your life according to this necessity.

Rainer Maria Rilke
Letters to a Young Poet

*

Rilke makes falling into a hole sound like it might not be such a bad
thing. I am falling into a hole, so to speak. A not-speaking-much hole.
Which might be the kind of hole I need right now. It's not necessarily
by choice that I am falling into that sort of hole, but I have been told
that how we relate to what happens to us is a choice we make,
so I guess in that sense I am choosing to be a bit incommunicado.

*

Had Molly spayed on the 25th. She tolerated the surgery
and was doing well until Sunday, the 1st. I had been out of town
and was still not home when Wes called to tell me she had
something wrong with her leg. Took her to the vet Tuesday.
He said the sore on her leg was a reaction to the anesthetic
they gave her. He bandaged it and put her on oral antibiotics.
She chewed the bandage off within two hours of getting home.
I bandaged it again that day, the 4th, and the morning of the 5th.
She kept chewing off the bandages. It looked terrible yesterday--
could see muscle. The vet put a different bandage on and put
her in a collar.

Lampshade-Head Molly. It looks funny, but I am sure she is miserable.
She can't even lick herself, but she has to keep it on for her leg to heal.

*

Spent last Saturday and Sunday in New Harmony, IN. Moonlight
labyrinth walk on Saturday night. Walked the trails Sunday
and ate at the new coffeeshop. Had a turkey and pesto panini
sandwich and some hummus and chips. Was a good trip.
Fun. Relaxing. Necessary.

*

My brother and his family visited with my mom last weekend. I saw
them briefly when I got back to town Sunday. My youngest niece
(6 months old) is a very happy and beautiful baby. Sophia-Phaedra.
She seemed to enjoy sitting in my lap and letting me hold her in front
of me so I could watch her face and see her smile.

*

Grandbaby is due any day. May be on the road again soon. Lauren is
in NYC visiting my brother this week. She's planning to go to Coney
Island today. Always makes me think of Ferlinghetti when I hear
someone say Coney Island. Some good poems in his book A Coney
Island of the Mind.

*

Nose is dripping like a faucet today. Allergies, I think. Miserable.
But probably not as much as Molly though she's being a good
sport about things.

*

I have a friend who has not called me in three weeks. I was speaking
to her on the phone one day, and as we were talking, my Florida
company who visited with us that week came in the house. I told
her I wanted her to hold the thought she had just started to speak
about and I would call her back later. To which she said: Well, okay
then (in a very sarcastic tone) and she hung up. I tried her back
twice. She never returned my call.

Makes falling into a hole sound excatly like what I need to do now.
Seriously. Who has time for s*** like that? That's friendship? And
really, there is not more to the story (at least that I am aware of),
so I think her reaction was strange and unnecessary, and I frankly
don't want to invest anymore time in trying to figure it out.

Hole time. Falling time. Being led through the darkness time.

*

Finally got some pictures developed. Some of Dad's grave on Father's
Day a year ago. Didn't go this year. Couldn't. Don't know why. Also
pictures of a trip to FL Wes, my mom and I took last fall, and some
other pics of Molly. She's changed so much that I am not going
to post any of those. I have another roll of film to develop. It has
recent pics of Molly on it.

*

Spent some time on my journal today. Playing catch-up. Applied
for a job at the college. Am sending out another application Monday
for another job at the college. And may send a third for another
job posted at the college.

*

Some Ferlinghetti to close this ramble.


The Plough of Time

Night closed my windows and
The sky became a crystal house
The crystal windows glowed
The moon
shown through them
through the whole house of crystal
A single star beamed down
its crystal cable
and drew a plough through the earth
unearthing bodies clasped together
couples embracing
around the earth
They clung together everywhere
emitting small cries
that did not reach the stars
The crystal earth turned
and the bodies with it
And the sky did not turn
nor the stars with it
The stars remained fixed
each with its crystal cable
beamed to earth
each attached to the immense plough
furrowing our lives