Two more pics

Train Tracks

Me, at 25

Turning point in this whole catastrophe (and, yes, this is about my weight)

I am done.

I can't handle the stress any longer and the unhappiness of living with a husband who is perpetually depressed and not a partner in any sense of the word and I am considered to be the one who is supposed to take care of him. I can't.  I can't take care of me.

My anxiety is so bad again that I don't want to leave the house.

I had my first full-blown panic attack at Wal Mart yesterday (I know that comment could certainly elicit some laughter, but a panic attack is not funny).

I am so worn down from this constant stress of living with a person who can't do things for himself or won't.  He has two working legs, two working arms, he can see, he can hear (somewhat), he can function, but he chooses to stay depressed and won't get any help, which has in turn made me completely and utterly exhausted and depressed.

I can't take much more.

I am shutting myself off in the bedroom.  I am hardly moving around.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I am having so many anxiety episodes as I am feeling more hopeless than I ever have in my life.  My only hope to be better is to be out of this environment, and I do not know how to do that without feeling guilty or feeling like my children will hate me the rest of my life. 

This has totally wrecked me. 

I am so sad. I am so sad. I just want to live and go places and see things and feel hopeful.

I am so tired.

Pointless

I am doing nothing to make my life better. I am eating chips and dip and drinking margaritas. If it was hip to be fat, I would have no guilt.  I'm done with this stupid journey.

The fat saga, cont (ad nauseum)

Breakfast:

Cereal with milk                               240
cheese                                                 60
coffee with creamer                            30

Total:                                                 330

Blew it again last night. What's new? I need to eat more fruit and vegetables.  I haven't had any vegetables since the day I made pork chops with creamy mushroom sauce and roasted asparagus (about 5 days ago). I had one salad the next day and some romaine and an avocado with my street tacos, but that's it.

I'll try to eat some veggies today and eat an apple

Lunch:

2 chorizo and chicken street tacos with 1/2 avocado, romaine, onion, cheddar cheese, taco sauce, cilantro and lime:                     
tortillas                                       100
avocado                                         75
chorizo and chicken                    250
cheese                                           75
onions, romaine, cilantro, lime     50
glass of cranberry juice                110

Total:                                             660

Total for breakfast and lunch:    990
Total remaining for the day:      610

Removing my posts from FB because no one cares

Interesting article and thoughts about cultural differences surrounding eating alone. I never have any time for myself, and I don't like to eat out, but I don't mind eating out alone to get some time for myself. I just try to go when a restaurant is not crowded, and, I take my glasses off. I am self-conscious eating alone, as I am when I choose to go to a movie alone, but, as I said, I have zero alone time, and it is good to get a break. I haven't eaten out alone nor gone to a movie alone in some time, so maybe I will this week. I think everyone needs some time to themselves although I don't think eating at a restaurant nor going to a movie is my idea of alone time.

The above was a post about eating alone. The article below is about cookbooks. I saved the links to my bookmarks.  

I am interested in all of these, but, alas, I confess my love of cooking is dying more every day. When you can't taste food the way you once could, cookbooks and recipes don't matter as much, or when you are only cooking for two, and one of the two could care less about a fancy meal and more about some meat and potatoes or spaghetti (who can have an issue with that?), then cooking becomes less appealing. That being said, I do still care, and even if I only try one new thing out a month or can actually taste something occasionally or the meal works for the two of us occasionally, it is worth the try. I love this excerpt from one of the books on this list:

"Great cookbooks show us how to make beautiful dishes, but we’re inclined to think that the very best share something more. They tell the stories of how those dishes came to be, and the flavors of those stories enrich both the act of reading and the act of eating. Ella Risbridger’s “Midnight Chicken” is exactly that, beginning with a chicken that is simply roasted and devoured late at night. It is this meal that sets the author on a journey of discovery and healing, and what follows is an education on the transformative power of food. Each recipe documents a particular moment, part of the author’s gradual process of falling back in love with cooking and finding joy in what can feel like a dark world."

And this is about a new David Lynch short film called What Did Jack Do?:

Just watched this and am formulating my own thoughts about it before I read some reviews, but I am suggesting that anyone who cares about what's happening in America watch this. I know you do, Dixie Highsmith. Don't know if you like Lynch, but I hope you watch this on Netflix and let me know what you think. It is only 17 minutes long. I don't like tagging, so if I tagged you and you don't want to be, just remove! Lauren Brown, Elizabeth Cato, Elizabeth Marie Brown, Jon Sewell.

The authors Alison Roman, Niki Segnit, Diana Henry and more share the volumes they’ll be returning to again and again this year.