To my sweet Molly

Saturday night (the last Saturday in April 2020--the 25th, I think)

I was 48 years old, grieving the loss of my father, questioning so many things when we brought you home at 7 weeks of age, Molly. I am 61 now. All of the children have grown up and moved away. The world is experiencing one of the worst crises of my lifetime with the coronavirus, and you are gone, two weeks and 3 days now. You were so much more than a dog, Molly. Everywhere I look in this house, there is a Molly something, but you are not here. Everything I do, I think about what you would be doing in response. I know you were tired. I just wish you could have stayed longer. A day will come when I can more eloquently or meaningfully say what your life meant to my life, Robin's life, our children and grandchildren's lives, and to all of the many who knew you and loved you so much. Sleep won't come tonight, Molly. I think we would have been in the study listening to Neil Young or Nick Cave or Satie or Lucinda Williams. No telling how many times you listened to me sing Jackson, and you stuck it out most of the time until you got tired of my voice or the song on repeat and got up and went to your crate. How I'd love to hear your nails clipping down the hall as you made your way down the hall to get some sleep. Much like when the kids all left, this old home is way too quiet and lonesome without you.

Week One: Extremely unhealthy fat

Week One

I am now officially at my largest--262 pounds.  This is the last Sunday in April (the 26th, I think).

262 pounds.  In January, I weighed 257.  That was bad enough.  There appears to be no limit to my ability to gain weight.

So, here I go again.
Last Sunday of April: 262 pounds
Breakfast:  thin pork chop cooked in canola oil, slice of nutty oat bread with butter, coffee with creamer                   Calories (in order)  130, 130, 30 --total 290
Lunch: Baked ziti    Calories: guessing  400
Evening: Margaritas, chips, Ritz crackers with cheese         Calories: 800, 400, 450= 1,650

So, as always, the evening margaritas win.  I have to give them up.  When I don't drink, I don't eat chips and crackers.  Or, I don't eat as many.  Total calories today:  2,340.  That, my dear readers, (who are nonexistent) is why I am fat and getting fatter every day.  Way too many calories and no activity.

Monday, April 27

262.2 pounds
Breakfast: pan-seared thin pork chop cooked in canola oil, leftover au gratin potatoes, chocolate almond milk, coffee with creamer.  Calories: 130, 150, 80, 30. Total: 390

Lunch: Baked ziti            400
Dinner/Evening: margaritas (so far, 700 calories which means a total of 1,490 for the day). Looks like I can't eat if I want to stay under 1,500. I bet I will eat.

A piece of sharp cheddar cheese: 90 calories        Total:         1,580 (calorie deficit -760)

Tuesday, April 28

260.4 pounds
Breakfast: milk, country ham, scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese, biscuit with butter and apricot preserves, two thin slices cheddar cheese from cheese block.  Calories: 90, 175, 135, 250, 50
Total at breakfast: 700
Lunch: 1 slice of mozzarella stuffed meatloaf, serving of mashed potatoes with butter, green peas with butter.  Calories: 320, 237, 50   Total at lunch: 607
Dinner: Drank a shitload of tequila. Not much mixer. Ate a piece of cheese.  800  Total: 2,107
(Calorie deficit 233) 

Wednesday, April 29

260.06 pounds
Breakfast: bacon, egg, cheese, broccoli frittata muffin, hot dog bun buttered and with melted cheddar cheese, coffee with creamer. Calories: 205, 280, 30  Total: 515
Lunch: Baked ziti          Calories:  400
Dinner: Margaritas, cheddar cheese. Calories: 610, 90  Total 700  Daily total: 1,615 (Calorie deficit=-725)

Thursday, April 30
259.2 pounds
Breakfast: hot dog bun buttered with cheddar cheese, coffee with creamer. Calories: 310
Lunch: Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green peas  Calories: 607
Evening: Margaritas, slice of cheddar cheese. Calories 610, 90, total  700  Daily Total: 1,617 (Calorie deficit=  - 723)

Friday, May 1
257.8 pounds
Breakfast: Frittata muffin with cheese, broccoli, and bacon, 1/2 hotdog bun with butter and cheese, milk, juice, coffee with creamer  Calories: 205, 165, 80, 83,30        563         
Lunch: 1 medium-size chicken breast baked in olive oil, 2/3 cup Annie's mac & cheese, 1/2 cup speckled butter beans with butter  Calories: 260, 213, 130  Total: 603  Total  1,166
Evening: Margaritas  610    Total: 1,776    Deficit: - 564  Add 100, and add 90 so up to 1,966.  Deficit: -354

Saturday, May 2
258.8 pounds
Breakfast: Peanut granola bar, Ritz crackers with cheese, coffee with creamer  Calories: 170, 80, 80, 30   Total: 360
Lunch: 1/2 chicken breast baked in olive oil, 2/3 cup mac-n-cheese, 1/2 cup speckled butter beans with butter  Calories: 150, 213, 130  Total: 493 
Evening: Margaritas          570   + 70 (640) Cheese: 90  Total: 730   Daily total: 1,583 (Deficit = -757) 

Sunday, May 3
259.2 pounds
Breakfast: 1/2 hot dog bun with butter and cheese, frittata muffin, Granny Smith apple, coffee with creamer            Calories: 165, 205, 30, 83   Total: 483
Lunch: Chicken and orzo soup with carrots, onion, garlic, and kale, 5 crackers  Calories: 171, 60. Total: 231    
Evening: Margaritas (currently at 540 calories at 6:08 PM).      1,254 Total  + 150=1,404 + 70 =1,474 + 150= 1624.  Done. Going to bed. Bad storms in Nashville. Bad day with my grief.

End Of Week One Of Trying To Cut Calories  Lost 3.6 pounds

Week Two

Monday, May 4 258.6 pounds
Breakfast: 3 slices of turkey bacon, scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese, half & half, and parsley cooked in very little butter, O'Brien potatoes, 8 ounces of orange juice, coffee with creamer
Calories:  90, 100, 95, 110, 30  Total: 425

Pics

Morning Tea by Serge Kosintkev is the name of the photo that looks like a skeleton.

Window

I posted this on the nature photography group, but I took it off. It may be too much.

Some of you are still getting out (and by out, I mean "out" somewhere other than your own backyard), and I am so glad to see your pictures. So many beautiful trees, flowers, and birds out there. I was rarely going anywhere beyond my own backyard before COVID-19 became a part of our vocabulary, but I have still found some beauty in my own backyard in these hard times, and I do find myself looking out of my windows a lot at what I have in my backyard. I don't have an ocean, a lake, a river, the mountains, a forest, or lush gardens, but I love what I see out there and find myself more and more appreciative every day, even as I grow restless and wonder why I didn't "wander" more when I could. We aren't prohibited from going places, but the state parks are closed and so are many other places. I think all of you guys are taking precautions out there (I have read comments about some of you leaving places that appeared to be crowded), and I can tell you that when I can "freely" go visit some state parks and nature reserves, I hope I don't find a thousand excuses not to go. I live with panic disorder, and it makes doing anything incredibly hard, but I don't say that to do anything more than raise some awareness of the people, like me, who live with it and who know what social isolation is about, even if we live "productive" lives and work (or worked, I am retired) in the public. Long read. Thanks for staying with it. I post this picture and share (again) Townes Van Zandt's song At My Window. So much of my life is lived from my window view. Don't feel sorry for me. I am retired now, but I was the crisis worker in community mental health, and I can say that knowing what it's like to live with anxiety/panic disorder gave me an insight into so much of what my clients were experiencing. They showed me, on a daily basis, the difference that can be made when someone understands what they are feeling, or, at least, listens to them and how they feel. So, for all of you anxious folks out there in this time, if things get bad, do not hesitate to pick up the phone and call your provider or a help line. These are anxiety-inducing days way beyond the pale.

I don't have a picture of me with Molly

For most all of my adult life, I have felt fat and ugly.  So, I did not want to be in pictures and I still don't want to be, but I sure would like to see a picture of me hugging Molly's neck or of her giving me big kisses.  I will never forget her and I took tons of pics of her, but no one took any of me with Molly.  I miss her so much. 

Delicious muffins

Ingredients: 2 mashed bananas, 3 cups rolled oats, 2 large eggs--lightly beaten, 1/3 cup packed brown sugar, 1 tsp baking powder, 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp vanilla flavoring, 1 1/2 cups lowfat milk, 1 tsp cinnamon, & 1/2 cup chopped pecans. Spray your muffin cups with cooking spray and fill to the top (they don't rise much). Cook at 375 for 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes and then remove from the pan.

On Molly

She was so much of everything in our lives. We got her 6 months after my father died, and I know her spirit got me through those hard months after his death. She has most likely been in greater pain than she could ever let us know, though I could see and tell that she was in pain, and when it got so bad she could not even stand up--which was a very sudden thing--we had to let her go in a matter of days. I like to think she is out romping and being rowdy with her good doggie buddies and her Mom and Pop and whichever siblings have gone on before her, maybe on the Éire Isle from which her breed originated. I can just picture her beautiful red silky flowing coat with the wind blowing all around her as she flies across the soft and welcoming verdant green grass of her homeland. Thank you for your condolences. These have been such a hard 2 days, and I know there will be more to come.