Friday, July 28, 2006

My posts aren't posting...what's up with that?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Pale Blue Eyes & other things this 27th day of the seventh month

Brilliant blue sky. Depressed today. What's new?

Been on an REM kick again. Dead Letter Office over and over,
which just takes me back to Lou Reed (Pale Blue Eyes, Femme Fatale on D.L.O.)
and to my childhood when Michael Stipe starts singing
"Trailer for sale or rent/ Rooms to let, 50 cents/
No phone, no pool, no pets/I ain't got no cigarettes"

Makes me think of Virgina Beach and to days when I was young
and so were my mom and dad. Things were always
so volatile then and unpredictable that it's hard to remember
something from that time that makes me smile, but Roger Miller does.
Guess because people seemed happy when that song came on the turntable.
They'd all start singing along with it. Even if just moments
before they were arguing or being cool to one another.

Don't know what to do about my job. Supervisor has no respect
for me or any of the front-line staff. Although my work is done
with little or no supervision, she's still out there, lurking in the shadows,
waiting for the next opporutnity to demoralize someone (she does
that so well). But, the autonomy I have with my position and the confidence
I feel about myself and the kind of work I do and the help I can provide
to others through this program tend to weigh out the negativity.

Yet, I am tired. Bone-weary some days. Been working full-time, raising
a family, and going to school for so long it's hard to remember a day
when I felt I could just freely vacation or garden or read a book or enjoy

I really wasn't going to write about those things this morning. I was going
to write about photographs. Maybe another day.

Read some Ted Hughes Birthday Letters this morning. Been reading Adrienne
Rich's Dark Fields of the Republic with breakfast each morning, but chose Ted
today. Finished the book The Best Day the Worst Day last week (Donald Hall's
book about his life with Jane Kenyon). Reading Wicked and Technopoly.

Time to get some work done.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Tough decision to make today.

Asked for a meeting with my supervisor. My co-worker
was not getting her job done, so guess what? She got promoted and I
get her caseload (which will put my case load over 150
in active case management). Not right and not fair.
Not fair to the customers and not fair to me--the competent,
caring, and better employee. But, who said life is fair?
I just know I have to stand up for me. There comes a day
when enough is enough. Today may be that day. And I realize
it's going to be dfficult to make it without my salary and I'll
have to find health insurance, but I've been cornered here
and will not feel helpless to defend myself. May the force
be with me!!!!!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

15th day of the 7th month of the longest 3 months of my life

Took my mom, my niece from FL, and my youngest son to see a local
production of The Sound of Music last night. First night Mom has been out
since Dad died. She made it ok, though she looked extremely tired when
it was all over. She was a volunteer at the Fine Arts Center for a number
of years, and then they actually made her their photographer, so she and Dad
were there for all the musicals, art shows, plays, and performances. At some
point it got to be too much for her, so she gave it up and she and Dad stopped
going for the most part--they went to an occasional show, but Dad was slowing down
and it was hard for him to see at night to drive home. It seems to me that I took
them to the last show dad attended, but I can't recall what we went to see. I can
just remember helping dad get to the car. His hip was complete bone-on-bone and it
was terribly difficult for him to walk, so I just hooked arms with him all the way
to the car. It looked more like he was escorting his daughter to the car than being
helped by her. God, why were we out there? Annie maybe? Yes, yes. It was Annie.

I had another melt down the other night--body racked by sobs--could hardly breathe
I was crying so hard. This terrible missing. This thought that I may never see
my dad again. This aching to hear him laugh, to hear him come in my back
door and call out, "Whoa, Sis, are you home?" He'd come with food Mom had cooked
(trying to lighten my load a bit--school, work, a two hour commute to school at night,
taking care of my youngest son--15 now--trying to keep the home fires burning
kind of thing), or he would come here with books and magazines Mom thought I may
want, or he would just stop in to chat when he was on his way home from the store.
Or he would come by after he'd been to the Farmer's Market and bring me fresh corn,
tomatoes, melons, yellow squash, and whatever other fruits and veggies were in season.
Or he would come by to drop off a birthday gift or a wedding gift. Or he would come
by to see how the home renovation was going. Most of the time Mom was with him,
but she preferred to wait in the car. She didn't like for him to drive alone. He was slowing
down and he couldn't hear well and she worried he may run a light or something.

Oh Dad, do you know how much I miss you?

I best stop now before I get all teary and incapable of doing anything. I am going outside
to start putting together my arbor I bought at Lowe's. It's for Dad's garden which I've
started out back. I bought some beautiful clematis to put on either side of it and some of
the most extraordinarily beautiful garden phlox to plant at the entrance to the garden.
The heat index is supposed to be 105 today, so I best get out while it's early and not too
terribly miserable.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Fifth day

The 4th came and went with little fanfare. Worked on a paper
and paid bills in the morning. stopped to see my mom briefly
in the afternoon. Came home and went to bed. Got up, ate,
watched a little tv, thought about all the people out there
celebrating and me at home sad and anything but wanting
to celebrate.

Rainy today. Gloomy, but we need the rain. Herbs are prolific
this year. Japanese beetles are eating all my roses and starting
on the hardy hibiscus.

Lauren called on Monday from Mexico City. She should be in Tampico
by now. No word since Monday.

I want to feel better.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The second day of the seventh month

Dad has been gone for 2 1/2 months.
I can't get to my blog at work any longer (the state
blocked all blogs and poetry forums).

Bloody nose last night. I started crying
and then it started bleeding.

Lauren left for Mexico Friday. She called
last night from Ciudad Victoria--not where
she was hoping to be but the bus they were going
to take to Mexico City will not run until tonight,
so I guess they'll see what they can do in C.V.
(she, Sadie, Ryan, and Santana).

Father-in-law is recovering well from his quadruple
bypass (had it Thursday). Heart attack on Father's Day.

I will finish my first summer class this Wed. The next
one starts on the 11th. One more in the fall and my undergrad
work will be done (only took me 20 years!).

Much more to say but my omelet is ready and the sun
is shining, so I am going to eat and then go lie out in the sun.