Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Not Nearly

I thought when I left FB I would start spending more time writing here or in my journal.

But, I have discovered it is not nearly as interesting writing about me with no audience.

That should (oh how I like to say I shun the should word but oh how well it works here this night!) tell me a little bit about myself.  That being said, I have certainly been doing a lot more--well, no, actually not--uh, hum--thinking. No more nor less than usual.

I have not gone to the gym in over a week and a half. That dream and goal busted. I have not slowed down my drinking. That dream and goal busted. I have not been eating healthier. That dream and goal busted.  But, tonight, I feel alright.  I just need to get focused.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Everything changes and nothing changes

I am still just trying to navigate the waters.  I thought things were bad/difficult/trying/troubling/confusing/exasperating/problematic/exhausting/frustrating/dissatisfying/nearly hopeless/conflicting/existentially draining/psychologically damning/metaphysically lacking/diurnally repetitive/nocturnally arresting/and overall plainly unsatisfying in terms of trying to feel I had found my place in this world when I was working.  I thought that maybe I would be able to discern what caused my existential dilemmas once I retired.  I have found out that I already knew when I was working and nothing has changed.

I want to write about this and these things, and I don't.  I am so fucking lonely.

Thursday, March 07, 2019

The Immensity of Being

I am an immense woman. An obese woman. A rotund woman. Grossly overweight.

I don't know how I let myself get to this awful place, and getting out of it is proving to be next to impossible.  I can't help but think about what people say when they see me. Look at that really large woman.  She must sit around eating doughnuts and cakes and drinking cokes all day. I bet she eats 4 quarter pounders a day.

Sigh.

When, in reality, I rarely eat out, and I choose to eat lots of vegetables. But, I also choose to drink margaritas and eat lots of potato chips. I'm really bummed out again today.  Not sure if I'll walk. What good does it do?  I didn't walk yesterday.  Just couldn't muster up the enthusiasm to do it.

I'm glum, gloomy, despondent, dispirited, downhearted, morose, dismal, depressed as hell.  I wonder what I would think about and do if I were of normal weight.

Sigh.

Reading an article in Psychology Today about how fat people tend to start hating themselves.These sentences from the article are so true:

Every time you make a disparaging comment about yourself, you die a little inside. You are scarring your soul. What you are saying is ‘I am ugly and wrong.’ That is simply not true.

Wednesday, March 06, 2019

Axolotl


Axolotl

Did not sleep well. I kept dreaming about an axolotl. I can't remember specifically what I was dreaming about in regard to an axolotl--I can only remember I kept saying, "Axolotl axolotl axolotl" and kept seeing its face and knowing there was something wrong. I woke up about 3:30 and did not go back to sleep until I went across the hall, where it was cooler, and fell asleep in Lauren's room around 6. I got up at 8:45. Very stopped up. Afraid to blow my nose for fear it will start bleeding again.  I feel like I haven't gotten any rest at all.  I don't want to walk today.  Just don't have the desire.  I may do it, but I am not feeling like it right now (10:31).

Watched Fire At Sea last night. It is a powerful and gripping documentary about the African migrant crisis situation.  I want to say more about it as I found it profoundly moving and well done, but I don't have the gift of description in me this morning.  I'll share this excerpt from a review:

"There is a type of documentary — one of the most prevalent varieties these days — that earnestly acquaints its audience with a terrible problem and rewards our attention with a gold star of virtue...."

"...
But there are, thank goodness, exceptions. And everything I’ve said so far is a long way of explaining what Gianfranco Rosi’s “Fire at Sea” is not. Mr. Rosi, an intrepid Italian documentarian whose previous work has taken him to the Ganges River, the California desert and inside the Mexican drug trade, is certainly a filmmaker with an active social conscience. “Fire at Sea” is the fruit of an extended sojourn on Lampedusa, an island that, while part of Italy, is closer to Tunisia than to Sicily. Recently, it has become the landing spot for boatloads of refugees and other migrants from Africa, Asia and the Middle East."

Tuesday, March 05, 2019

Malaise

ma·laise

Dictionary result for malaise


  1. a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify.
    "a general air of malaise"


I would venture to say the word I was searching for this morning to describe how I felt comes closer to malaise than discontent or discontented. This passage I just read from the Naked and the Dead speaks to me:"Stanley was feeling a diffused rebellion at the things that made him worried and envious, made him always ferret for some advantage.  He did not know what caused it in himself, but without putting it into words he was brooding that there would be many nights through all the rest of his life when he would lie sweating and restive, prey to all the latest torments of his mind." 


I did manage to get my walk in today. I struggled.  I wanted to stop after about 10 minutes, but I kept going.  I walked for 32 minutes--21, rested 2, and then 11. I walked at a much slower pace. As I said this morning, I'm having an off day.  It happens. i just feel tired now, but I've been lying down talking on the phone, then playing Solitaire, and then I moved to my chaise lounge and started reading my book again. I want to watch a movie, but I am still stuck in work mentality mode, so I have a hard time turning on the TV before 5:00. 

The Winter Of My Discontent

Discontent. That is how I feel this morning.  One of the reasons I decided to deactivate my Facebook account is because I grew weary of seeing all of the happy people doing happy people things like traveling with friends, traveling with their spouses, celebrating their anniversaries in style, talking about how these are the best years of their lives, sharing their adventures, talking about their contentment with their lives, taking pleasure in the simple and the adventurous alike.  I know it is ridiculous to assume they are ALL as happy as they look on their FB pages, but what I can see is that they are DOING things with other people. They are visiting friends or going somewhere with friends. They are doing things with their husbands--sharing time together as a couple and seemingly enjoying that time together even if they are just visiting a park.  I feel so envious and bitter.  I am in a marriage that is joyless. There is no laughter here. There is no conversation.  There is no mutual interest in anything other than the love of our children and grandchildren.  There is such unhappiness. It is pervasive.  I say to him at times that I feel like I am in a tomb.  Suffocating.  Our differences became much more pronounced after the youngest left home, but they were manageable. Since I retired, they are magnified to an extent that I feel the weight of it on me most every day.  How can I make any changes?  How can I just leave him after 42 years?  I think and say that if he would take care of financial matters and help me with the house and yard that we would have a chance to make this work. He says give him time.  I am tired of giving him time. He still has not settled his mother's estate nor tried to sell his business or race car. If he did those things, we could live much more comfortably. Not wealthy by any means, but we could at least have the bathroom renovated (it's been needing to be retiled since some of the tiles fell off 10 years ago).  He would never, and still won't, sign for a home equity line of credit, and I never have the cash flow to pay for the labor of having the bathroom gutted. I could charge all of the materials, but I can't use a credit card to pay for the labor. It is ridiculous that we have not repaired it.  The roof continues to leak in places, but he refuses to call anyone about it.  I can repaint places where the water has seeped through, but it will just keep happening until we get if fixed correctly.

I really needed to vent this morning.  I went to bed early and woke many times in the night and finally got up around 6:30.  I am just having a really off day.  I'm in a sour and discontent mood.  I need to walk today to start off my second week of walking.  I want to just feel good for a moment knowing that I met my goal for last week (I actually exceeded it--I walked 4 days).  I want to stay committed to walking, but I get very discouraged. I ordered a top and some pants to wear when I walk, and neither of them fit. They are far too tight. I am so large. I feel, at times, like there is no point in trying to lose weight.  What does it matter?  If I got this way this time, I can just as easily get fat again like so many fat people I know who go on Keto and Atkins and Weight Watcher's plans, lose weight, and gain it back plus some extra weight. That would be me.  Why did I let this happen to me?  I feel so utterly disgusting. I feel like people look at me and think what a fat slob I am.  I feel so negative about myself and how I look.  It's truly embarrassing.  Another reason I didn't want to be on FB any longer.  I would see pictures of former classmates or people I went to high school with, and most of them look really wonderful. They are not overweight, they have aged well, and they are active. I couldn't bear seeing them anymore and comparing myself to them.

Whew.  Okay.  I have vented, bashed myself, and said something positive about myself.  I guess that's about it for now.

Monday, March 04, 2019

In The Deep Freeze

Winter decided to show up the first of March. She's been absent all season, but that's good considering out heat has gone out twice this winter and was out for a week the last time. If it had been this cold then, we would have left here and gone to a hotel. The heat is working today, but it's cold enough in this study to need an electric heater as well. 

Watched The Hurt Locker last night and was discussing it and the novel The Naked and The Dead, and I started crying. Then my nose started bleeding. That's two nights in a row of nosebleeds. I usually have one every winter, most likely from the dry heat in the house, but I'm not sure. They are terrifying!  I don't care how many times I've had one, I get so scared. That blood just keeps coming, and then the clots, and then I think I'm stroking out or something horrible is wrong.  Today, I'm still all stopped up (like always), and I want to blow my nose, but I am not going to. If I have any more nosebleeds this winter, I am calling my doctor.  I don't know if my blood pressure is up, but from what I have read, there is no conclusive proof that high blood pressure (outside of a hypertensive crisis situation) causes a nosebleed.  I just get so freaked out!

I did take a few beautiful pics at sunset last night. I shared one on Instagram and will share it here. I need to go walk, but I am concerned that my nose will start bleeding. I'll just take it slow and take some paper towels. Walking is not vigorous physical activity, so it should be fine.

That's it for now.


Sunday, March 03, 2019

The Be Good Tanyas - Waiting Around to Die

Snow

I took these from inside looking out the back window, so the quality is poor, but I'm posting anyway.



Erik Satie - Gymnopédies

Sturgill Simpson-"Just Let Go" (Metamodern Sounds In Country Music)

TOWNES VAN ZANDT - "Dollar Bill Blues" on Solo Sessions, January 17, 1995

Snowfall and Townes

Been listening to some Townes Van Zandt this morning and watching the snow fall. It is a very wet snow and is not expected to accumulate, but it's pretty.  For as much as I love Townes, I did not own one Townes CD, until today. The post office delivers on Sundays these days. How strange. They brought me a Townes CD and a new top I can wear when I walk. It's big, so I won't feel so self-conscious. My t-shirts are all too tight (my XL t-shirts).  I need to be comfortable when I am walking.

Watched the film Lion last night. I think it was a well-made film. The cinematography was incredible, and the story compelling, and the acting was quite good, especially the acting of the little boy who played Saroo as a child.  The movie is based on the true story of Saroo, who got on a train and fell asleep while he was waiting for his older brother to return to come and get him.  The train travels 900 miles away from his home. He is too little to know where he lived, and he did not understand the language in Calcutta, where the train finally stopped. He is adopted a few weeks later by an Australian couple and grows up in Tasmania. 25 years later, he goes to India to search for his birth mother, brother, and sister.  It's quite amazing that he finds them.

Right now, I am listening to the soundtrack from the movie Hell Or High Water.  The music for the film was done by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis.  Just amazing work, as always, by Nick Cave.  What is not to love about that man?

I am going to post a video of Townes singing Dollar Bill Blues--the song featured in Hell Or High Water.  This video was made less than one year before Townes died.  Sad I never got to see him and did not know his work when he was living.

From Wikipedia:

With the passing of time, however, a clear distinction has been made between the production and Van Zandt's poetic, often brilliant songwriting, with Mark Deming of AllMusicenthusing, "Townes Van Zandt wrote songs with an uncommon grace and poetic clarity, and he sang them with a voice that was at once straightforward, eloquent, and mindful of the arid beauty of his images...the album's production and arrangements occasionally suggest that Jack Clement and Jim Malloy didn't always know what to make of what he brought them."

Saturday, March 02, 2019

Uncertain

I got back on FB yesterday. I posted some pictures, commented on the documentary Icarus and the film Hell Or High Water, posted music from Townes van Zandt, John Prine, & Jeff Buckley, and updated my home page with a new picture of Isaac, Zollie, and Keen.  It felt good to be corresponding with people, but I drank too much and listened to too much sad music and cried a lot. I didn't feel well when I got up this morning, and I'm sure it is because of the alcohol and because I stayed up too late.  So, I do think I need to curtail my time on FB. I need to leave it active, I suppose, and just not get on there.  I can try that. I unfriended so many people, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't want loads of folks viewing my timeline.

Not sure if I'll go walking today.  I think I would feel better if I did walk, but we'll see.

March movies:

Hell Or High Water
Icarus

Friday, March 01, 2019

Movies and Miles

Life without FB has been different. I have watched a lot of movies (just looked at my list--that's not a lot of movies!, but compared to only watching HGTV and Chopped, it is progress in trying to be engaged as opposed to trying to be numb and tune out anything of substance) but am not reading enough. I am still reading The Naked and The Dead, which is a good book, but I am struggling to stay focused when I read--even when reading the newspaper.  Here are the movies I have watched since I deactivated my FB account (it feels silly to make a point of saying anything about FB, but I need the perspective right now).

Roma
Manchester by the Sea
At Eternity's Gate
The Two Killings of Sam Cooke
Day For Night (Truffaut)

There are others, but I can't think of them at the moment.

I walked my 20 minutes today, and I only got in one mile. I felt like I was walking slower, and I was! That's okay. My plan/goal is 20 minutes. It's not about speed at this point. I felt tired today and didn't want to even finish the 20 minutes, but I did! So, my goal was to walk for 20 minutes, 2-3 times a week for the first two weeks of my Fitness Formula membership, and I have walked 3 times since Tuesday, so I have met my goal and can now exceed it if I feel like walking again tomorrow, Sunday, or Monday. Tuesday is the start of week two. 

Blue

This morning, I woke up feeling blue.  I had been dreaming about a woman I once worked with.  She was initially a nice enough person, and I thought the working relationship was going to be a positive one, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  When I witnessed the way she spoke to little children who were entrusted in her care, and I witnessed how the school system did nothing to protect them, I could no longer tolerate her, and the rest of that year was one of the most stressful in my life. 

I was dreaming that I was standing in her yard (I'll just call her Bea for the sake of having a name here) near her front porch talking to her groundskeeper.  I knew him, but I had not seen him in some time.  I had my dog with me, but she didn't look like Molly.  In the next scene, I am sitting on the steps of her porch eating a chicken.  My daughter brought it to me, and I was taking bites out of it from one side and the next.  It was a whole chicken which appeared to have been deep fried.  Molly (or my dog in the dream) kept trying to eat the chicken, so the "yard boy" went inside and got me some foil, and I wrapped up the chicken. He continued to work on the yard, and then Bea arrived with her three young children in tow along with her husband and several other people who were family members. She had that same old scowl on her face, and she passed by me without speaking but made sure she made eye contact with me.  They had been to the lake or a beach.  They were wearing bathing suit cover-ups. She and the children went inside, but her husband stayed outside. I asked how he was doing, and he said, "I don't know. And, that's the truth." I smiled and said I understood and then said something about how we can feel one way one moment, but ten minutes later, we may feel completely different. He smiled and said, "Very true." It was nearing dark, and I started looking for my youngest, who was not in the first part of the dream, but was supposedly with me though I don't remember when he entered the dream.  I was thinking that the yard help (groundskeeper, yard man, yard boy, etc.) must have taken him home as he knew where I lived and knew I would be walking home (which isn't far from Bea's home in reality). I remember thinking her house was on the wrong side of the street--something I had not noticed when I was eating the chicken and talking to the groundskeeper.  It threw off my sense of direction and discombobulated me. I became more concerned about where my youngest was, and it was growing darker by the minute. I started running with my dog, but I couldn't keep it up. We were nearing Main St., and she kept pulling so hard that I feared she was going to get away from me and get hit by a car on Main St. I remember thinking I was almost home when it became completely dark. I thought I saw blue lights flashing from my street, but I realize I was already awake at that point and was lucid dreaming. So, when I realized it was morning, I looked around and felt so disconsolate, regretful, and gloomy. I thought about how this woman has enjoyed so much in her lifetime and since we last had contact, which was over 30 years ago. She has friends, travels, enjoys the lake life, stays fit, had respect from coworkers, retired with most likely a decent monthly retirement check, has a beautiful home, blah blah blah.  I couldn't shake my feelings of envy and disbelief, and the whole cognitive distortion about fairness would not leave me.  How is it fair that someone with such malevolence toward select children, such haughtiness, such little positive regard for others gets to have so much in life?  And, then, I stopped myself and just thought about the many blessings of my own life.  They are many. I have known joy. I have traveled. I have three amazing children and equally amazing grandchildren.  I'm not in a good place right now, but I have been.  I have known great joy and equally great sorrow.  I do not want to keep finding myself comparing who I am, and what I have or haven't done, with other people.  I need inner peace.  I need to find ways to love the person I am and to forgive her. I need to let happiness come into my house and live here with me.  On that note, I am going to find my note on happiness and log it in here.  I did weigh this morning, though I was not going to as I knew that if I had gained any weight since the last time I weighed, my mood would be in the toilet for the rest of the day, but, surprisingly, I have lost some weight--maybe 3 pounds and a total of almost 8 from my highest weight of last November.