Not the grim

In my dream last night, there was a big, black dog that I was supposed to take home with me. The woman who owned him was very gyspsy-like, very steeped in tradition and myth (ok...maybe some of the dream was Harry Potter inspired--I rewatched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban one night last week). So, yes, the woman looked a bit like the teacher on Harry Potter (the professor of Divination--Emma Thompson), and I started this out saying the dog was not the grim, so maybe this was very much Harry inspired.

He was huge, though. The dog. His name was Baba Ganoush (Ha!). He appeared to be solid black until he rolled over to let the woman rub his belly. It was a mottled black and white. He looked like a black St. Bernard. I asked her what kind of dog he was and she kept saying he was a shepard dog. He was so large that he frightened me, but she asssured me he was a gentle giant and would be very loyal to me and to my loved ones. I asked her if I could change his name to Elmo (my daddy's middle name). She just smiled.

Many other dreams last night but I am just trying to let them go this morning.

So many things set me off. I went to Kroger on Saturday and came home the "old way." The old way winds through a trailer park that runs parallel to the parkway. You then have to go through 2 very narrow, very short CSX railroad tunnels. After you come out of the second tunnel, you see a sign for the hospital. I started bawling again because that was the route I took the night Dad died (April 20th). I had been to Kroger and went to the hospital afterwords. I parked, went to the floor, realized my mom and brother were there so I didn't go in Dad's room, went up to the 6th floor and called the nurses' desk, asked how Dad was, was told he was stable and sleeping, and I left. So, I never saw him alive again after Tuesday night, April 18th. My mom and brother were not talking to me at that time. I had decided I would go to see Dad on days and nights that they were not there. I'd rather not think about any of that right now. It's all too painful.

So, Dad really hasn't come to me yet to tell me he's ok. I keep hoping each night to see him in my dreams, and I do see him, and he does seem ok, but I just keep thinking I am going to really feel him.

Day to day, this pain and this grief.

Spent all day yesterday working in the yard. Weeded the front flower beds and finished weeding the side beds. Planted some more perennials (foxglove, which is actually a biennial, I think), some hardy hibiscus and primrose from my mother's yard, and some other herbs--lemon balm and flat-leaf parsley.

I added some annuals to the perennial gardens. Everything looks so beautiful. In one of the gardens on the side of the house, I have a forsythia, a bleeding heart, lots of purple and pink columbine, daylillies, asiatic lillies, hardy mums, larkspur, and a few other perennials I can't think of at the moment. I added some purple vinca and red begonia (it gets more shade than sun, but the vinca thrives and so do the begonias).

In the shade garden, I have coral bells, hosta, an azalea (at the far end so it gets enough sun to make it, peonies (they are going to have to be moved because they are healthy but not producing many blooms--they need more sun), 2 hydrangeas (surprisingly, they like it there), more columbine, and some hyacinths. I added red and pink begonias and multi-colored impatiens.

Then, out front, around the rhododendron and in front of the azaleas, I added purple vinca. It gets almost shrub size out there as it gets so much light.

I planted the hardy hibiscus in a circular shape around a copper birdbath in the backyard not far from the herb garden.

My little oak that I brought from mom and dad's house doesn't look so great, but it may make it. It is still green and supple though the leaves have died.

So, I worked outside and did little else. I mailed Christopher a picture of his grandfather along with a bookmark that the funeral home made for each of the children and for Mom. I called and asked them to make 6 more--one for each grandchild and one for Dad's niece.

It's overcast today and around 72. Wes is going to Mom's after school to watch Grapes of Wrath with her. She invited me too, but it might be nice for the two of them to spend some time together.

That's all for now.