Did not get my order

I still have not received this order.  My only option now is to file a claim with PayPal so hopefully I will get reimbursed.  I am copy/pasting this and keeping a copy in my send folder.  You have seemed completely nonplussed by this, but it has troubled me.  I guess it's just business as usual for you, and I wish you the best going forward, but you need to be more sensitive and helpful to the people who order from you and never get their order.

When he says

When he says I am being a bitch, that's a good thing. It means he is feeling angry and standing up for himself.  He hasn't done that in a long time but has been doing it more and more lately.  Maybe he is coming out of his funk.  I can be a bitch.  I am a bitch sometimes.

Lauren's beautiful words about Grandma

It's true life does not stop for death, but it can give pause. -A caesura demarcating the banal from the extraordinary moment a soul moves away forever from this earth--a break in the beat of time that marches on, otherwise steadfast and impervious to earthly sentiment like love and loss.

Recently, I packed my little family up and left for Europe, having said goodbye to my grandmother whom I knew was not much longer for this earth. I was caught between the decision of canceling my trip so I could lay in wait for this moment or continuing on with life and the commitment to seeing the world and educating my daughter on life beyond our own yard. “That is what [my] grandmother would want” everyone kept saying, and therefore, I was hoping I had made peace with letting her go. With my eyes fixed on pragmatism, I was hoping life could keep on going for us. My grandmother’s decline has been gradual with death foreseeable, and in some ways, even ideal. Hospice helped us keep her comfortable and we shared final moments with her. Death was almost organized. Alas, the eyes and the heart are entirely different organs and the finality of loss delivers emotions that transcend intellectualization.

Hence, we returned early from our wandering venture so I could pay respect to my grandmother who took her last breath on May 28, just two months shy of her 97th birthday. I cannot know what exactly my grandma Marie would have wanted for me and my little family at this moment, but I do know seeing her one last time before the earth eternally swallows her up is the right thing. I am grateful life has given me these moments—to say goodbye, to see the world, to return home—and the ability to make bold decisions. Through such decisions, I hope to teach my daughter love for this life, this planet, different cultures, and the humility to understand it is a privilege to be able to explore life beyond your own. I also hope to instill in her a deep sense of respect for those who came before us: those who lived so that we could live; those who worked hard so that life could maybe be easier for us; those who suffered quietly so that we could suffer less. My grandma Marie endured so much loss and did so with great poise. She was born before the Great Depression; she lost her mother to tuberculosis when she was only around 5 years old; she survived three husbands and a son as well as all her siblings but one. I cannot imagine bidding farewell to so many of those you hold dear and keeping the strength to face life as it keeps on going.

I once asked her if I could write about her life; without a moment’s thought she responded that some things were too painful to discuss. I think she was trying to save me from her suffering. With the burial of her body, her pains are also buried. And with the burial of her body is also buried an artifact of so much history. Goodbye to that vessel carrying another time in history, and thank you, Lottie Marie, for all you gave in your 96 years. Thank you for modeling strength, courage, and poise and how to make bold decisions when life keeps pushing on. You live within us as we keep on going.

A Mother's Day Post on FB from 2016 or 2017

It's not Mother's Day yet, but I will be busy tomorrow and want to share a message. All of us were born by women. Some of us never knew that woman, but many of us did. Some have lost their mothers to death and others to indifference, substance abuse, mental illness or abandonment. For those who have lost their mothers, my sympathy is with you. For those whose mothers are physically still present but emotionally and physically absent, I am so terribly sorry and send my empathy and hope. For those who were fortunate enough to know love from your mother, I am most grateful for you and hope you realize the beauty in that. For those who are estranged from your mother, I'm hopeful you will find a path which leads to understanding. For those of you who are mothers, I hope you have a relationship with your children in which you can embrace the shared interests, forgive the differences of opinion, & look forward to time together. I hope that love for them you first felt when they moved inside of you for the first time and looked at you for the first time and made you laugh and made you cry and broke your heart and resolve many times is still sound and true and the most real and visceral thing you've ever known. And, for those of you who have children who now also have children, may you be present in their lives as often as you can. May you appreciate each moment with them. For all the mothers out there, I send happy Mother's Day wishes & hope you get to see your child/children. For all who have lost your mother, may you find a good memory to hold on to or may you find a place of forgiveness and peace if there were no good memories. I send a Happy Mother's Day wish to my daughter who is such a caring, loving, whimsical, energetic, & ambitious mother to Zollie and conscientious and loving mother-to-be for my grandson who is due in October. Rock on!

Week Three: Extremely Unhealthy Fat

Week Three: Extremely Unhealthy Fat

Monday, May 11
259.8 pounds Gained 1.2 pounds this week. Weigh 2.8 pounds less than when I started two weeks ago.
Breakfast: 1 English muffin with butter, 2 slices of bacon, glass of orange juice, coffee with creamer Calories: 150, 90, 110, 30  Total: 380
Lunch: 1/2 chicken breast seared in butter and olive oil and baked, 1/2 slice of provolone cheese, mushrooms and spring garlic cooking in butter, asparagus with spring garlic cooked in bacon grease, 1 cup pasta salad  Calories: 184, 45, 54, 300  Total: 583
Evening: It is now 8:49, and I am at at total of 1,670 calories. I do not know if I will have more before I go to bed. I wish I could change.

Tuesday, May 12

Wednesday, May 13

10:03 AM  When I decided on Monday, April 27 that I had to lose weight, I felt very determined. I lost 3.5 pounds that week.  In week two, I felt much less determined and fairly certain I had set myself up to fail again, so I didn't do well and gained back 1. 4 pounds.  I was going to weigh in every day this week, but I have decided not to. I am also not going to write down what I eat or total calories this week.  I really don't think I can ever succeed at weight loss.  I will try to focus on setting daily goals this week as I have been doing very little other than lying in bed playing Solitaire on my phone, occasionally reading, watching the birds, and cooking meals.  I will start a goal sheet today. I will make notes on here each day about how well I achieved any of my goals. 

Week Two: Extremely Unhealthy Fat

Week Two (starting weight on week one, April 27th, 262.2 pounds. Lost 3.6 pounds in week one) I did an average number of calories from last week and came up with 1,870. 

Monday, May 4
258.6 pounds
Breakfast: 3 slices of turkey bacon, scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese, half & half, and parsley cooked in very little butter, O'Brien potatoes, 8 ounces of orange juice, coffee with creamer
Calories:  90, 100, 95, 110, 30  Total: 425
Lunch: 1 cup Annie's mac-and-cheese, 1/2 cup speckled butter beans  Calories: 320, 130 Total: 450
Evening: 590 + 150 + 100=840   Daily total: 1,715  Deficit from last week's daily average: -155 Deficit from the beginning=-625

Tuesday, May 5
259.4 pounds
Breakfast: 3 slices of turkey bacon, 2 boiled eggs, glass of dark chocolate almond milk, coffee with creamer  Calories: 90, 140, 100, 30  Total: 360
Lunch: 1/2 of a hamburger with pepper jack cheese, caramelized onions, and pickles, spinach au gratin. Calories: 350, 200 Total: 550 
Evening: 590 (as of 7:43 PM) add 70 Total 660. Total for today: 1,570 Add: 80 and 160  Total: 1,820 Deficit from last week's daily averge is -50. Deficit from beginning daily calories is -520

Wednesday, May 6 (discouraged)
259.8 pounds
Breakfast: 1/2 leftover cheeseburger, coffee with cream  Calories: 350, 30  Total: 380
Lunch: less than 1/2 of a burrito jalisco with guacamole, 12 chips, 1/4 cup cheese dip, 1/4 cup black beans (having to guess calories)  Calories: 300, 175, 180, 60  Total: 715
Evening: margaritas, chips, cheese dip.  Best guess takes my calorie count to 1,950. 

Thursday, May 7
258.8 pounds
Breakfast: medium gala apple, serving of cottage cheese, breakfast bar, coffee with creamer  Calories: 90, 110, 160, 30  Total: 390
Lunch: Leftover burrito Jalisco, 12 chips, 1/4 cup cheese dip, 1/4 cup black beans, Oreo cookie  Calories: 250, 140, 180, 60, 120  Total:  740
Evening: I had already eaten 1,130 calories before the evening. Tonight, I am not going to post what I ate or drank nor the calories. I can see I am going in the direction I always go in. Up for a week at the most and right back down again. I have never been able to do what so many other people do who can stay to a plan for months. I am angry at myself, which is nothing new, but I am also just completely aware that this is my pattern.  I am not going to weigh tomorrow, and I may not keep a food journal tomorrow. I am not doing well with this. As usual.

Friday, May 8
259 pounds (started the week at 258.6)
Breakfast: 1/2 of a two egg omelet with a splash of milk, parsley, spring garlic, ham, onion, cheese and cooked in butter, an orange, and coffee with creamer  Calories: 240, 65, 30  Total: 335 
Lunch: 1/2 a piece of chicken cordon bleu, rice, bechamel sauce, stir-fried asparagus, onions, and mushrooms cooked in olive oil  Calories: 180, 170, 130, 150  Total: 630
Evening: Not even going to list it.  guessing about 800                          Total: 1,760

Saturday, May 9
Did Not Weigh 
Breakfast: 1/2 buttered baguette breakfast sandwich with bacon, scrambled eggs, and cheese, glass of milk, coffee with creamer  Calories: 170, 135, 100, 80, 30  Total:  515
Lunch: 1/3 cordon bleu, 1/2 cup rice, bechamel, stir-fried asparagus, onion, and mushrooms  Calories: 500
Evening: Margaritas, chips, dip, cheese dip, chips   Not going to count calories.

Sunday, May 10
Did Not Weigh
Breakfast: English muffin with butter, 1 1/2 slices of ham, slice of cheese, glass of milk, coffee with creamer  Calories   150, 100, 80, 80, 30  Total: 440 
Lunch: 1/4 piece of cordon bleu, 1/2 cup rice, Bechamel sauce  Calories: 90, 100, 130 Total: 320
Evening: about 800 calories

End Of Week Two

I did not do well this week at all. I gained back 1.2 pounds. I ate an average of 1,800 calories a day. I had no days in which I ate no more than 1,500 calories.

My response to sharing a song

You are most welcome. Music is a huge part of my life. Before COVID-19, I was at music venues often. My youngest son and I like so much of the same music. We have been to so many concerts/shows together. His dad and I took him to his first Bob Dylan concert, and I took him and a friend to see Wilco for the first time when he was in high school. I took my daughter and friends to see so many singer/songwriter musicians when my daughter was in high school. My oldest was not as much into music, but he did go see some classical music performances, ballets, and jazz bands with us. My youngest, my husband, and I had tickets to see The Rolling Stones in Nashville this month. Obviously, that show has been "set to be rescheduled," and, my youngest son and I have tickets to see Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds in October, but who knows if that will happen. We have seen Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds and have seen Nick Cave solo. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. Music is something that lives inside of us. No one can take it from us. It heals, hurts, makes us laugh, takes us places, moves us, humbles us, stirs emotions, and fills many lonely hours. Jeff Buckley's version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah just started playing in the background. It is the most beautiful cover of LC's song I have ever heard.