I am broken

 She wants a baby out of this arrangement, and she isn't going to get one as long as someone is very ill, throwing up blood, can't work.  She can't.  No wonder she doesn't send a message. 

Hummingbirds

 Hummingbirds

Deactivated FB

 ...last night.  We'll see how things go. 

Response to a comment on FB about the show Succession

 Oh, if only these things were as civil and easy as this clip. A slap, a punch, a fall down on the floor. *sigh* When I was 15 and my sister was 14, she was trying to get into the one and only bathroom that 2 adults and 4 teenagers shared, we got into a shove match. We both ended up doing more than shoving. She ended up on the floor with blood coming from the corner of her mouth and a dislocated shoulder. Not from me. The blood was from her braces, and the shoulder got dislocated when she threw her arm back to hit me. An ambulance came. She went to the hospital. The police came. They questioned me. They questioned her. My parents were put in separate rooms at the hospital and questioned. My sister was so pissed off that she ended up with her arm in a cast because she would not get to cheer at homecoming. Yeah. 2021 update: My mother died on March 5th, 2021. My sister hasn't spoken to me since November 2018 because I am a liberal snowflake. My youngest brother will not respond to any requests for his answer to the full price offer on my mother's home (I am administrator for the estate--house can't be sold unless all 5 siblings say they agree to the offer--he simply refuses to answer his phone, respond to text messages or emails, and that would be from me, the attorney, and the realtor. I don't think my story would be nearly as entertaining if it were a "made-for-TV" program or movie. It is a living nightmare. *sigh* I may watch this show just to see how some fairly normal siblings get along. That would be nice to see!

I forgive you, Mother

 

"I forgive you, Mother, I can hear you, and I long to be near you, but every road leads to an end. Yes, every road leads to an end. Your apparition passes through me in the willows, five red hens, you'll never see us again, you'll never see us again."

Death With Dignity, Sufjan Stevens

And, my mother died with dignity. She left here with dignity and, with what I think was a ready heart, one that had known good days and bad and was at peace. She could not say those things. I just felt them. I am glad she didn't know much at the end. Five red hens (my mother's five children).

This grief. It is hard. My mother and I had a strained relationship (my words). I don't think she would have said that about me and us before she got so confused, but I don't know. She said other things and we were so many worlds apart and just four blocks away from one another. I am just speculating about what she thought. Before we stopped talking, we really only ever made civil conversation.

My heart is with all of you who have been here where I am this night, and for those of you fortunate enough to have a loving, good relationship with your mom or your dad or both, I hope you don't take it for granted.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsGODTySH0E

2014 post about my coworkers

 I have said this before, but before I go to bed this night, I want to say it again. Work brought me together with everyone you can see in these pictures, but the bonds of friendship we have forged have made us family. I don't talk about work here, but I want to tell you something--these are the people you want in your corner. We all work in community mental health, and we all know how vital it is to have others who share the passion of that work and who understand the ups and downs and how much we need each other to continue to give those we meet each day the best we possibly can. Knowing these co-workers and friends makes all the difference. I am grateful for each and every one of them and for getting to know and love their children. I am the "old" one at work, but I don't mind. I never think of myself as their mother. I am friend and camarade. I have children older than most of them. I don't mother them, and they don't look at me in that way. I have my children and grandson, and I embrace that love every day. But, I so love having such amazing people to share many of my waking hours with, and I love having their children here. I am happy, and this old house rejoices with their energy and spirit. I love you guys.

How I feel

 I am going to die a sad, lonely woman, like my mother.  Not one person who knew her has called me to express sympathy, other than my friends, some of whom did not know her.  I will die lonely and without a close friend.  I think that is so sad.  I don't know how to change that.  My mother did not know, I think, that she was dying all alone.  I hope that is true for me.  It hurts my heart so much to think I have no one who can be here for me on a regular basis.  I was driving around a few days ago, and I realized I had no one I could just stop in to be with. No one. I thought of all of the people who can pull up at numerous people's houses and say, I need you, and those people are there for them.  I have no one.  I am so tired of being alone and lonely.  I wish for mercy.  I don't know what I ever did to make my life be like this.  I really don't.  I bet if I died this night all kinds of people would post on my FB and contact my family and tell them about how much I mattered to them, but is there one fucking person who reaches out to me regularly, who is there for me? Hell to the fucking no.  Hell no.  Hell no.  I am alone in this journey.  I am alone.