Friends

 Dixie called a few days ago and thanked me for being a friend.  She said she was feeling all emotional and sentimental and felt she wanted to tell me how much my friendship means to her.  She said I allowed her or let her be herself and she appreciated that.  I was glad she called.  She lets me be me, too, but I am not ever all me with anyone. I feel I can't be, and I lose out, time and time again. 

I was thinking about the friend thing.  I want a friend who lets me be me, but I don't think my friends can let me be me because they love or care deeply about Robin, so I can't really be me.  I also need a friend who can take care of me for whatever amount of time it takes, and I don't have a friend who can do that.  One friend is an evangelical. I would not feel comfortable staying at her home.  I have stayed with her, and I feel negative vibes from her husband.  I could not just go there and crash.  I want a friend who will let me sleep all day (something I have never done in my life and likely won't do until I am out of it. I want a friend who cooks everything for me and cleans up.  I am tired of doing all of that and don't want to do my part of cooking and cleaning.  I want a friend who lets me sip my margaritas in the evening and blather on about poetry, music, art, politics, movies.  I do not drink during the day and don't plan to make that a part of my life, and I know I need to cut down the evening toddies, but they keep me going in all of my aloneness. 

I ask for too much, and that is why I don't really have a friend. 

I am broken

 She wants a baby out of this arrangement, and she isn't going to get one as long as someone is very ill, throwing up blood, can't work.  She can't.  No wonder she doesn't send a message. 

Hummingbirds

 Hummingbirds

Deactivated FB

 ...last night.  We'll see how things go. 

Response to a comment on FB about the show Succession

 Oh, if only these things were as civil and easy as this clip. A slap, a punch, a fall down on the floor. *sigh* When I was 15 and my sister was 14, she was trying to get into the one and only bathroom that 2 adults and 4 teenagers shared, we got into a shove match. We both ended up doing more than shoving. She ended up on the floor with blood coming from the corner of her mouth and a dislocated shoulder. Not from me. The blood was from her braces, and the shoulder got dislocated when she threw her arm back to hit me. An ambulance came. She went to the hospital. The police came. They questioned me. They questioned her. My parents were put in separate rooms at the hospital and questioned. My sister was so pissed off that she ended up with her arm in a cast because she would not get to cheer at homecoming. Yeah. 2021 update: My mother died on March 5th, 2021. My sister hasn't spoken to me since November 2018 because I am a liberal snowflake. My youngest brother will not respond to any requests for his answer to the full price offer on my mother's home (I am administrator for the estate--house can't be sold unless all 5 siblings say they agree to the offer--he simply refuses to answer his phone, respond to text messages or emails, and that would be from me, the attorney, and the realtor. I don't think my story would be nearly as entertaining if it were a "made-for-TV" program or movie. It is a living nightmare. *sigh* I may watch this show just to see how some fairly normal siblings get along. That would be nice to see!

I forgive you, Mother

 

"I forgive you, Mother, I can hear you, and I long to be near you, but every road leads to an end. Yes, every road leads to an end. Your apparition passes through me in the willows, five red hens, you'll never see us again, you'll never see us again."

Death With Dignity, Sufjan Stevens

And, my mother died with dignity. She left here with dignity and, with what I think was a ready heart, one that had known good days and bad and was at peace. She could not say those things. I just felt them. I am glad she didn't know much at the end. Five red hens (my mother's five children).

This grief. It is hard. My mother and I had a strained relationship (my words). I don't think she would have said that about me and us before she got so confused, but I don't know. She said other things and we were so many worlds apart and just four blocks away from one another. I am just speculating about what she thought. Before we stopped talking, we really only ever made civil conversation.

My heart is with all of you who have been here where I am this night, and for those of you fortunate enough to have a loving, good relationship with your mom or your dad or both, I hope you don't take it for granted.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsGODTySH0E

2014 post about my coworkers

 I have said this before, but before I go to bed this night, I want to say it again. Work brought me together with everyone you can see in these pictures, but the bonds of friendship we have forged have made us family. I don't talk about work here, but I want to tell you something--these are the people you want in your corner. We all work in community mental health, and we all know how vital it is to have others who share the passion of that work and who understand the ups and downs and how much we need each other to continue to give those we meet each day the best we possibly can. Knowing these co-workers and friends makes all the difference. I am grateful for each and every one of them and for getting to know and love their children. I am the "old" one at work, but I don't mind. I never think of myself as their mother. I am friend and camarade. I have children older than most of them. I don't mother them, and they don't look at me in that way. I have my children and grandson, and I embrace that love every day. But, I so love having such amazing people to share many of my waking hours with, and I love having their children here. I am happy, and this old house rejoices with their energy and spirit. I love you guys.