Facebook post

Sometimes, it is so hard to think our parents failed us that we can't bring ourselves to say it. You may not feel that way. I feel that way, often. I try hard hard hard to think they did the best they could, and I think perhaps they did, but I can't know for certain. I can rationalize what they had to work with as they became parents, and I know some things about their lives as children. How do we fail our parents? By not being what they wanted us to be? By getting into trouble? By making bad decisions? By not being there to visit? I have to tell you that I feel I did everything I could do to "make" my mother love me. Make her love me. Make her love me. That is just the most ridiculous thought. Make her love me. I love my children. I have made so many mistakes, and I still do, but I love them. Unconditionally love them. Feel so incredibly grateful for their lives and presence and all they have given to me and to this life and to themselves. They are incredible people. I cannot imagine that one of them would ever have to say they did everything they could to make me love them. *sigh* My father was 13 years older than my mother. He was 32 and she was 19 when they married. My oldest brother was born 10 months after they married (57) and the rest of us were like this: 57, 58, 59, 62, 74. My father died 13 years ago this past April. He was kind to me but always on my mother's side. This is the way it goes. Some of us are more capable of handling the abuse. Some of us hold onto it like a stigmata through our palms, bringing up the pain over and over with scars that can't be seen. Some of us just can't move on. We are stuck, like the hamster in the proverbial wheel, running running running with nowhere to go. At one point in time, someone suggested that I have a blog to post these types of thoughts. I suppose they thought FB was not the place. I have a blog. I choose here and now. What are we if we can't be honest with our hearts? Trapped and sullen and morose and troubled. I choose to speak about my feelings this night. That is not always the case.