Strange things

I had some kind of episode today when I was working on my ribs. My head started feeling "funny"--I don't have another description that works at the moment. Then, I felt like I was going to pass out. The room was reeling. I did not have any pain--just incredible pressure. It felt like my head was going to explode. I started thinking I was having a stroke or that I have a brain tumor and it's pressing on some nerves. It scared the hell outta me. It took it about 45 minutes to an hour to go away. I finally managed to get the ribs covered and in the oven, and then I went in Lauren's room and laid down.  I felt a little nauseated and had pressure in my ears as well.  Yesterday and the day before, my nose hurt. There was actual pain in the bone. It is not painful today, but I wonder if all of these things are related.  Robin asked me if I wanted to go to the ER, but I said no. He got my water and brought it to me.

After lying down for 45 minutes or so, I got up, made potato salad, sliced the squash, onions, and some poblanos to cook tonight, and came back here to check FB. I am starting to feel the pressure again, so I am going to go lie down.  Look at this screen seems to make it worse.

I'll update later. I have more I want to say.

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I accepted a friend request from a friend who lives here in Madville. I had unfriended her when I did the great unfriending last March or April. I unfriended anyone from high school and anyone who lives in Madville (except for one high school friend and my neighbor).  I decided if none of those who lived in this town had time for me other than to say something to me on FB then I didn't want any part of that. I don't want to see what they are doing with all of their friends when they never come see me.  It was too painful for me to be reminded of all I don't have.  I am trying to focus on all of the good I have in my life--my children and grandchildren, my home, my yard. 

I found myself feeling not as good as others--not as pretty, not as skinny, not as well-liked, not as motivated, house not as nice or pretty or renovated, not in a happy relationship like them, etc. etc.  I am the one with the problem, but it wasn't helping me to see them here on FB.  I don't visit them either. It started feeling voyeuristic. If I am not going to be involved in a meaningful relationship outside of FB with people who live here in this town, then what is the point? I only know anything about them because I see their pics. If they were true friends, wouldn't we be having lunch or dinner together? Wouldn't I know what the inside of their houses look like? Wouldn't I know how their family is doing?  But, I don't, because none of them contact me outside of FB.

So, I accepted the request. I feel ambivalent. She has soooooo many "real" friends. I don't want to see things on her FB. She goes so many places and spends so much time with her family and friends. It makes me feel sad and jealous, and I don't want to feel either of those things. I am trying to get better.

Today has been a rough day, but whatever was going on with my head earlier is better.