What are needs?

They are conditions within the individual that are essential and necessary for the maintenance of life and for the nurturance of growth and well-being.

So says my psych book Understanding Motivation and Emotion

Of course, there are different types of needs: biological (thirst, hunger, sex)
psychological: competence and belongingness

When I read the chapter on the three psychological needs (autonomy, competence, and relatedness), my worst fears were confirmed! Though I feel I have the autonomy and competence thing down, the relatedness is just not there.

The book says:

Relatedness is the need to establish close emotional bonds and attachments with other people, and it reflects the desire to be emotionally connected to and interpersonally involved in warm relationships.

Of course, I feel I understand and know relatedness in regard to my children, but it seems it has become very difficult to know it with anyone else.

and more:

When a person feels emotionally connected to and interpersonally involved with another, he or she believes the other person is truly looking out for his or her welfare, relatedness is high, and internalization occurs willingly. When a person feels emotionally distant from and interpersonally neglected by another, relatedness is low and internalization rarely occurs.

Emotionally distant. That is where I am. There was once a time in my life when I felt I had many friends. I married young. I had children young. I had friends then who also had children. Many of my high school friends left for college, and that was basically the end of the friendship. Little by little, the friends I had when my children were younger starting drifting out of my life.
I know I had much to do with that.

I was changing, and though they were too, they couldn't see their changes as they could see mine.

I started going to college. I was working full time, taking care of my kids, and trying to go to school. Things I had been doing no longer seemed very important. There's this really inane dice game people in these parts play. It's called Bunko. It's more for socialization than anything else. It had gotten to the point that every time I played with this group of women, someone had just had a boob job, or nose job, or liposuction, or any number of cosmetic things done adn they would go on and on about it or show the group their new bodies. Or they would discuss their sex games (or lack thereof) or any number of things that are just meant for idle, meaningless conversation. One particular night, I had had all I could take. I just kept hearing Bob Dylan's voice saying:

"You can't even sense if they got any insides, these people so pretty in their ribbons and bows."

And that was that. I couldn't sense if they had any insides. I left in the middle of the game and I never went back. Not to say I want to go back now. I don't belong to that any longer. I just want to belong somewhere. I want to sit around at the writer's group and feel a part of the group. They are great folks--all MA's and MFA's in English. All witty and funny as hell. All decent writers. All of them most welcoming. But I feel on the outside. So, I don't belong there.

I go to writer's retreats. Take my poems and review them with the group. Some there are better than I am, others not as good. The fellowship is good. The food and wine are great. The readings are interesting. But as the weekend comes to a close, no one asks for my address or indicates they'd like to stay in touch.

Relatedness. It just ain't happening for me.