Uncertain

I got back on FB yesterday. I posted some pictures, commented on the documentary Icarus and the film Hell Or High Water, posted music from Townes van Zandt, John Prine, & Jeff Buckley, and updated my home page with a new picture of Isaac, Zollie, and Keen.  It felt good to be corresponding with people, but I drank too much and listened to too much sad music and cried a lot. I didn't feel well when I got up this morning, and I'm sure it is because of the alcohol and because I stayed up too late.  So, I do think I need to curtail my time on FB. I need to leave it active, I suppose, and just not get on there.  I can try that. I unfriended so many people, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't want loads of folks viewing my timeline.

Not sure if I'll go walking today.  I think I would feel better if I did walk, but we'll see.

March movies:

Hell Or High Water
Icarus

Movies and Miles

Life without FB has been different. I have watched a lot of movies (just looked at my list--that's not a lot of movies!, but compared to only watching HGTV and Chopped, it is progress in trying to be engaged as opposed to trying to be numb and tune out anything of substance) but am not reading enough. I am still reading The Naked and The Dead, which is a good book, but I am struggling to stay focused when I read--even when reading the newspaper.  Here are the movies I have watched since I deactivated my FB account (it feels silly to make a point of saying anything about FB, but I need the perspective right now).

Roma
Manchester by the Sea
At Eternity's Gate
The Two Killings of Sam Cooke
Day For Night (Truffaut)

There are others, but I can't think of them at the moment.

I walked my 20 minutes today, and I only got in one mile. I felt like I was walking slower, and I was! That's okay. My plan/goal is 20 minutes. It's not about speed at this point. I felt tired today and didn't want to even finish the 20 minutes, but I did! So, my goal was to walk for 20 minutes, 2-3 times a week for the first two weeks of my Fitness Formula membership, and I have walked 3 times since Tuesday, so I have met my goal and can now exceed it if I feel like walking again tomorrow, Sunday, or Monday. Tuesday is the start of week two. 

Blue

This morning, I woke up feeling blue.  I had been dreaming about a woman I once worked with.  She was initially a nice enough person, and I thought the working relationship was going to be a positive one, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  When I witnessed the way she spoke to little children who were entrusted in her care, and I witnessed how the school system did nothing to protect them, I could no longer tolerate her, and the rest of that year was one of the most stressful in my life. 

I was dreaming that I was standing in her yard (I'll just call her Bea for the sake of having a name here) near her front porch talking to her groundskeeper.  I knew him, but I had not seen him in some time.  I had my dog with me, but she didn't look like Molly.  In the next scene, I am sitting on the steps of her porch eating a chicken.  My daughter brought it to me, and I was taking bites out of it from one side and the next.  It was a whole chicken which appeared to have been deep fried.  Molly (or my dog in the dream) kept trying to eat the chicken, so the "yard boy" went inside and got me some foil, and I wrapped up the chicken. He continued to work on the yard, and then Bea arrived with her three young children in tow along with her husband and several other people who were family members. She had that same old scowl on her face, and she passed by me without speaking but made sure she made eye contact with me.  They had been to the lake or a beach.  They were wearing bathing suit cover-ups. She and the children went inside, but her husband stayed outside. I asked how he was doing, and he said, "I don't know. And, that's the truth." I smiled and said I understood and then said something about how we can feel one way one moment, but ten minutes later, we may feel completely different. He smiled and said, "Very true." It was nearing dark, and I started looking for my youngest, who was not in the first part of the dream, but was supposedly with me though I don't remember when he entered the dream.  I was thinking that the yard help (groundskeeper, yard man, yard boy, etc.) must have taken him home as he knew where I lived and knew I would be walking home (which isn't far from Bea's home in reality). I remember thinking her house was on the wrong side of the street--something I had not noticed when I was eating the chicken and talking to the groundskeeper.  It threw off my sense of direction and discombobulated me. I became more concerned about where my youngest was, and it was growing darker by the minute. I started running with my dog, but I couldn't keep it up. We were nearing Main St., and she kept pulling so hard that I feared she was going to get away from me and get hit by a car on Main St. I remember thinking I was almost home when it became completely dark. I thought I saw blue lights flashing from my street, but I realize I was already awake at that point and was lucid dreaming. So, when I realized it was morning, I looked around and felt so disconsolate, regretful, and gloomy. I thought about how this woman has enjoyed so much in her lifetime and since we last had contact, which was over 30 years ago. She has friends, travels, enjoys the lake life, stays fit, had respect from coworkers, retired with most likely a decent monthly retirement check, has a beautiful home, blah blah blah.  I couldn't shake my feelings of envy and disbelief, and the whole cognitive distortion about fairness would not leave me.  How is it fair that someone with such malevolence toward select children, such haughtiness, such little positive regard for others gets to have so much in life?  And, then, I stopped myself and just thought about the many blessings of my own life.  They are many. I have known joy. I have traveled. I have three amazing children and equally amazing grandchildren.  I'm not in a good place right now, but I have been.  I have known great joy and equally great sorrow.  I do not want to keep finding myself comparing who I am, and what I have or haven't done, with other people.  I need inner peace.  I need to find ways to love the person I am and to forgive her. I need to let happiness come into my house and live here with me.  On that note, I am going to find my note on happiness and log it in here.  I did weigh this morning, though I was not going to as I knew that if I had gained any weight since the last time I weighed, my mood would be in the toilet for the rest of the day, but, surprisingly, I have lost some weight--maybe 3 pounds and a total of almost 8 from my highest weight of last November. 

Still Beautiful

When Wes and Sanja visited almost 3 weeks ago, Sanja brought me flowers. They still looked so beautiful 2 weeks later that I had to take some pics on Monday.  The roses are all dead now, but the lilies and the other flowers (tried to find them in my flower book so I would know their names but didn't see them in there) lasted a long time.  I still have them!

Picture Day

I'm tired today and a little sore.  It's overcast and cold.  Not sure if I will go walking today, but it's okay if I don't. My goal was 2-3 days this first week for 20 minutes. I have been 2 days and plan to go again tomorrow.  I don't think I'll be as sore then.  I can't remember my dreams from last night.  I woke up around 4 and felt uneasy and remembered the dream then, but I have forgotten it now.  I'll just post some pictures I have taken in the last week.  The daffodils and helleborus are in my yard. The other pics are from the cemetery. 

1.334

I pushed myself to 25 minutes today, but I was tired and walked slower than yesterday, but again, my goal is minutes at this point--not speed. I hope to build up to that. I did 29 laps. 23 laps is a mile, so my calculations (steps per mile) tell me I walked 1.334 miles today.  I'm hot and sweaty.  I have so much admiration for those folks on FB (Terezka and Anne who post that they frequently walk 20,000 steps or more or walk 10 miles or more).  They are thin.  I wonder if they could do it with nine 10-pound bowling balls attached to them. I feel certain that would get them near my weight or even under my weight. Yikes!  I would sure be in good shape if I did that, but I am trying to just think about me right now and my goals, and if I can start getting 30 minutes in 3 times a week and then 5 times a week, I will feel good about that.  The important thing is this: I did it! I walked again today!

Keeping It Real

I was sore last night.  My calves and my upper thighs, especially where the thigh meets the arse.  Sore from a 20 minute moderately-paced walk yesterday.  I couldn't believe it.  But, I am so large and so out of shape that it should not surprise me.  I made a concerted effort yesterday to be engaged in life.  I joined a gym and walked for 20 minutes, ate proteins and drank some pomegranate juice, took Molly for a walk and took some pictures, spent time planning how I'm going to arrange the art on my bedroom walls, drank less alcohol and ate fewer chips, felt more optimistic, and went to bed early (though it took hours to fall asleep).  I woke up this morning (early, the first time) and felt immersed in a sense of joy. My mind felt clear and my sense of satisfaction with myself was in a healthy zone.  I was dreaming about a man I know but have not seen in a long time.  He was taking care of a friend's child, and my young children and my in-laws were with me on a vacation.  We were preparing to leave when I went to clean up items we had left from our visit.  I remember picking things up from the sand and brushing chairs off, but I don't recall the ocean or a lake or beachfront anywhere around. He sat down in one of the chairs I had cleaned off, and I sat down in the sand in front of him.  We were laughing and sharing some thoughts about something.  My daughter (adult in this part of the dream) came and told me it was time to leave. She said, "You two look mighty cozy." I laughed, and he told her he always sat like that in any chair (slumped back, legs apart, his toes in the sand).  I got up from the sand, and he handed me my friend's child.  The child wanted to show me something, so in the next scene, I am with the child near a pier, holding her in my arms. She squeezes out of my arms like a slippery fish and lands in the brackish water. I reach down and pull her out, and she spurts out water like one of those little boy water fountains. I laugh and tell her she is a silly goose and to not try that one again.  We then are joining the family again, but this time my daughter is a child, again, and we all climb aboard a trolley.  We wave goodbye to my male friend, and I tell him I will contact him soon.  I woke up at that time, but I fell back asleep and dreamed my mother-in-law was driving a large car (old model Cadillac).  In the car were my young children, my sister-in-law, and my father-in-law.  We arrive at a rather nondescript building on the coast. My mother-in-law is dressed fashionably in late 60s couture. She has on a pillbox hat, fitted jacket, and knee-length skirt in a wedgewood blue color with small silver flecks. She looks troubled and says she can't remember what we are supposed to do next. I tell her that we need to go to the gift shop and get our tickets for the train. I reassure her that if we miss the train this day, we'll just get a hotel room. I reassure her that we'll have fun.  I feel calm, happy, and free from fear of plans going awry and missing trains and connecting cars.  My father-in-law says the silverware is almost too heavy to hold. I agree with him and tell him we are going to go to the lobby with the fireplace so he can warm up.  I am such a calming presence and so helpful and understanding of everyone's concerns and needs.  It appears to help them all feel calmer.  I look out from the lobby and see a large vessel on the water and wonder if that is the ship from which we just disembarked.  I am thinking of the train ride and how we had forgotten that we would be on the train all night long and that my mother-in-law's car would be parked here.  But, I wasn't troubled.  I was just living each moment and felt free and happy. And, I woke up wondering where I was and what time it was! It was almost 9:30, so here I am now at 11:27 having just finished breakfast 30 minutes ago and wondering if I should try to walk again today or have a day of rest and go tomorrow.  I am feeling that if I don't go daily, I may not stay committed to this, but I set a goal so I wouldn't feel pressure but would feel motivated.  I'll give it another hour and then decide if I want to go try another 20 minutes.  I'm feeling like I want to be at 30 already.

I am noticing my dreams this week include sand and water.  I need to think about that.