Blue

This morning, I woke up feeling blue.  I had been dreaming about a woman I once worked with.  She was initially a nice enough person, and I thought the working relationship was going to be a positive one, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  When I witnessed the way she spoke to little children who were entrusted in her care, and I witnessed how the school system did nothing to protect them, I could no longer tolerate her, and the rest of that year was one of the most stressful in my life. 

I was dreaming that I was standing in her yard (I'll just call her Bea for the sake of having a name here) near her front porch talking to her groundskeeper.  I knew him, but I had not seen him in some time.  I had my dog with me, but she didn't look like Molly.  In the next scene, I am sitting on the steps of her porch eating a chicken.  My daughter brought it to me, and I was taking bites out of it from one side and the next.  It was a whole chicken which appeared to have been deep fried.  Molly (or my dog in the dream) kept trying to eat the chicken, so the "yard boy" went inside and got me some foil, and I wrapped up the chicken. He continued to work on the yard, and then Bea arrived with her three young children in tow along with her husband and several other people who were family members. She had that same old scowl on her face, and she passed by me without speaking but made sure she made eye contact with me.  They had been to the lake or a beach.  They were wearing bathing suit cover-ups. She and the children went inside, but her husband stayed outside. I asked how he was doing, and he said, "I don't know. And, that's the truth." I smiled and said I understood and then said something about how we can feel one way one moment, but ten minutes later, we may feel completely different. He smiled and said, "Very true." It was nearing dark, and I started looking for my youngest, who was not in the first part of the dream, but was supposedly with me though I don't remember when he entered the dream.  I was thinking that the yard help (groundskeeper, yard man, yard boy, etc.) must have taken him home as he knew where I lived and knew I would be walking home (which isn't far from Bea's home in reality). I remember thinking her house was on the wrong side of the street--something I had not noticed when I was eating the chicken and talking to the groundskeeper.  It threw off my sense of direction and discombobulated me. I became more concerned about where my youngest was, and it was growing darker by the minute. I started running with my dog, but I couldn't keep it up. We were nearing Main St., and she kept pulling so hard that I feared she was going to get away from me and get hit by a car on Main St. I remember thinking I was almost home when it became completely dark. I thought I saw blue lights flashing from my street, but I realize I was already awake at that point and was lucid dreaming. So, when I realized it was morning, I looked around and felt so disconsolate, regretful, and gloomy. I thought about how this woman has enjoyed so much in her lifetime and since we last had contact, which was over 30 years ago. She has friends, travels, enjoys the lake life, stays fit, had respect from coworkers, retired with most likely a decent monthly retirement check, has a beautiful home, blah blah blah.  I couldn't shake my feelings of envy and disbelief, and the whole cognitive distortion about fairness would not leave me.  How is it fair that someone with such malevolence toward select children, such haughtiness, such little positive regard for others gets to have so much in life?  And, then, I stopped myself and just thought about the many blessings of my own life.  They are many. I have known joy. I have traveled. I have three amazing children and equally amazing grandchildren.  I'm not in a good place right now, but I have been.  I have known great joy and equally great sorrow.  I do not want to keep finding myself comparing who I am, and what I have or haven't done, with other people.  I need inner peace.  I need to find ways to love the person I am and to forgive her. I need to let happiness come into my house and live here with me.  On that note, I am going to find my note on happiness and log it in here.  I did weigh this morning, though I was not going to as I knew that if I had gained any weight since the last time I weighed, my mood would be in the toilet for the rest of the day, but, surprisingly, I have lost some weight--maybe 3 pounds and a total of almost 8 from my highest weight of last November.