Discontent. That is how I feel this morning. One of the reasons I decided to deactivate my Facebook account is because I grew weary of seeing all of the happy people doing happy people things like traveling with friends, traveling with their spouses, celebrating their anniversaries in style, talking about how these are the best years of their lives, sharing their adventures, talking about their contentment with their lives, taking pleasure in the simple and the adventurous alike. I know it is ridiculous to assume they are ALL as happy as they look on their FB pages, but what I can see is that they are DOING things with other people. They are visiting friends or going somewhere with friends. They are doing things with their husbands--sharing time together as a couple and seemingly enjoying that time together even if they are just visiting a park. I feel so envious and bitter. I am in a marriage that is joyless. There is no laughter here. There is no conversation. There is no mutual interest in anything other than the love of our children and grandchildren. There is such unhappiness. It is pervasive. I say to him at times that I feel like I am in a tomb. Suffocating. Our differences became much more pronounced after the youngest left home, but they were manageable. Since I retired, they are magnified to an extent that I feel the weight of it on me most every day. How can I make any changes? How can I just leave him after 42 years? I think and say that if he would take care of financial matters and help me with the house and yard that we would have a chance to make this work. He says give him time. I am tired of giving him time. He still has not settled his mother's estate nor tried to sell his business or race car. If he did those things, we could live much more comfortably. Not wealthy by any means, but we could at least have the bathroom renovated (it's been needing to be retiled since some of the tiles fell off 10 years ago). He would never, and still won't, sign for a home equity line of credit, and I never have the cash flow to pay for the labor of having the bathroom gutted. I could charge all of the materials, but I can't use a credit card to pay for the labor. It is ridiculous that we have not repaired it. The roof continues to leak in places, but he refuses to call anyone about it. I can repaint places where the water has seeped through, but it will just keep happening until we get if fixed correctly.
I really needed to vent this morning. I went to bed early and woke many times in the night and finally got up around 6:30. I am just having a really off day. I'm in a sour and discontent mood. I need to walk today to start off my second week of walking. I want to just feel good for a moment knowing that I met my goal for last week (I actually exceeded it--I walked 4 days). I want to stay committed to walking, but I get very discouraged. I ordered a top and some pants to wear when I walk, and neither of them fit. They are far too tight. I am so large. I feel, at times, like there is no point in trying to lose weight. What does it matter? If I got this way this time, I can just as easily get fat again like so many fat people I know who go on Keto and Atkins and Weight Watcher's plans, lose weight, and gain it back plus some extra weight. That would be me. Why did I let this happen to me? I feel so utterly disgusting. I feel like people look at me and think what a fat slob I am. I feel so negative about myself and how I look. It's truly embarrassing. Another reason I didn't want to be on FB any longer. I would see pictures of former classmates or people I went to high school with, and most of them look really wonderful. They are not overweight, they have aged well, and they are active. I couldn't bear seeing them anymore and comparing myself to them.
Whew. Okay. I have vented, bashed myself, and said something positive about myself. I guess that's about it for now.
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