On this journey, take 2 (the never-ending saga of being a fat person)

Breakfast:

1 slice dark rye toast                                110
1 slice Tillamook cheddar cheese             120
2 thin slices deli ham                                 80
coffee with cream                                      30

Total:                                                       340

Lunch:

Spaghetti with meat sauce and parmesan cheese    500

Total for breakfast and lunch:  840

Dinner:

Margaritas                               600

Total for the day at &;07 PM:                                         1440

Calories remaining at 7:07 PM to stay at or under 1,500 --a mere 60.

I am trying to be an engaged citizen. An engaged person. I have posted many things on Facebook and no one has responded. I have tagged people, and no one has responded. I have read movie and book reviews and shared my thoughts, and no one has responded.  Eff trying to hold it together when I am so effing alone.  I am getting more alcohol.  Who gives an eff?  Not one person.  So, now it is 8:10.  I am 60 calories away from going over my goal calorie count for the day.

What a bunch of effing garbage.  Who cares?  Not me! 

I wonder if my post is going to get shut down because I used the "F" word. My post is so important I don't want that to happen.  Let me go back and put "effing" of "eff" instead of "Eff".  Good idea!

Feel sick to my stomach. Counting calories, again

Breakfast:

1/2 slice rye toast                    60
1 scrambled egg with cheese 100
3 pieces of bacon                    120
coffee with creamer                   30
glass of milk                             80

Total:                                     390

Lunch:

Buttered egg noodles with creamy mushroom sauce            200
1/2 pork chop                                                                          100

Total:                                      300

Dinner:

Spaghetti with meat sauce                  400

Total for three meals: 1090

Evening:

Margaritas                                 600
pretzels and cheese dip              300
cheetohs                                     320

Total snacking in the evening:   1220

Total calories for the day 2310

Total required to meet weight loss goal: 1,500
Excess:                                                     810

Problem: Evening alcohol which makes me crave carbs
Problem: Me
Problem: Loneliness
Problem: Lack of self-control
Solution: I don't know

At My Window

I love that Townes' song.

The fat saga continues

I don't do selfies. I am too zaftig (it seems to upset people if you call yourself fat). I am fat. I am not happy about that. Only I can change it, but I haven't, so for this night, here I am, the best part of me--my eye (yes, I have pretty eyes and I have an eye for photography even though I haven't figured out how to use a "real" camera yet) and my babies in the background. The family portrait in the background was taken in 1995 or 96. I was a "normal" weight then and thought I was zaftig. Oh, to be that young again and to only be 10 pounds over the desired and health charts BMI! If you are a person who does not struggle with your weight and has never had to count calories, keep a food journal, feel like a loser--consider yourself most fortunate.

Counting Calories

1 slice dark rye bread:             100
1/2 small avocado:                  100
1/2 banana                                 53
1 scrambled egg with cheese:  120
3 pieces of bacon                     120
Glass of milk                             90

Total for breakfast:                  583

Total remaining for today:      1650-583=  1067

Picture for today--my boys:

Wednesday woes

Of all of my goals for yesterday, I only accomplished one: got the tree down and put away.

I had a horrible night last night.  Went to bed at 8:15 but couldn't sleep. Nodded off for about an hour and 1/2. I was then up for hours. Every time I was almost asleep, I would jerk awake and gasp for air.  I do that often, so that's not the troubling part.  At around 3:00, I felt like I was having an anxiety attack which I feared was going to go into full-blown panic mode.  I took a Xanax, but it took some time to start feeling calmer.  My legs felt weak, and my heart was pounding.  I started thinking maybe it was because I am doing this intermittent fasting.

I looked up IF, and some people have anxiety when they do IF.  I thought to myself, Well, there you go. You can't try IF as a weight loss measure because you are not physically well enough.

I thought that, and as I thought that, I also thought how I was more than likely creating this issue as a way to not go forward with my goal to lose weight. 

Drinking and having to stop at 6:30 was not fun nor relaxing.  I was focused on how much time I had left to enjoy my imbibing instead of how much I was enjoying my imbibing.  It isn't worth it to have to be watching a clock. 

I am fresh out of solutions or ideas to help me help myself with my problems. I just want to do what I want to do and would be happy to just keep drinking and eating chips if I could just be thin and do that.

That's all I can muster this morning.  Here's a pic:

Goals from yesterday and today's goals

Goals for today:
Read
Play solitaire
Clean the dining room
Clean the kitchen
Put away my clothes
Put summer clothes in Lauren's room
Start taking the tree down


Those were yesterday's goals (Monday, 1/13/20). I did read, play solitaire, clean the dining room, & cleaned some of the kitchen (did not mop the floor). I did hang my clothes up and put away clothes that needed to go in the drawer.  I took the summer clothes out of my closet and took them to Lauren's room, and I did start taking ornaments off the tree, so I guess I got a lot done.

I also took some photos I like yesterday and put more bird food out. 

Today:

Get the tree down and put away
Go through old ornaments and decide what to keep
Mop the kitchen floor
Dust the house
Clean the bathroom
Put clothes in Lauren's room away
Read
Play solitaire
Take some pictures
Get my binoculars out
Put memory card in camera
Straighten up the house (pick up things in each room which do no belong and take to correct place)

Another picture for today. It's a picture of a seedpod: