Feeling lighter
...than I have in some time. It helps to know
where you stand in life, and when it's time to let
go of something that drags you down. I am grateful
that I made the decision to do that today(with a little
help and encouragement) about an issue
that has cost me so much of late.
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Spent part of the morning raking the mess from last week's
storm. There are still around 100,000 people across KY without
power from the remnants of Ike. There are still many in this
community who do not have power. My yard is still covered
in the debris. I found someone's tax statement in my yard--
they live 23 miles from here. There are cushions from lawn
furniture, letters, chairs, lots of branhes and leaves, and just
an assortment of trash in the yard. I only managed to get
the front cleaned up today. If my energy holds out, I'll try to do
some more later.
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Last night's meal: I browned a pork tenderloin
in some olive oil. I salt and peppered it and sprinkled
some onion and garlic powder on it. I removed it
from the pan and placed it in a foil lined glass baking
dish. I deglazed the pan with white wine and a little
chicken stock. I added to that freshly chopped basil,
oregano, and thyme and I grated some fresh garlic
into the sauce. I let it cook down a little and then
poured it over the tenderloin. Cooked it at 325 for
a few hours. I served a diced sweet potato and sliced
granny smith apple dish with it and some steamed
broccoli. The sweet potato dish was roasted at 400
for about 30 minutes. It was quite good.
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Yesterday's Classic Peanuts was indeed classic. Wish my scanner
was working correctly so I could scan it. Lucy is standing in her
Psychiatric Help booth speaking to Linus. She says: Living
is living! Living is what counts! In the next frame, she says:
People come to me and ask me how to live...I tell them that
to live is to live! Living is what makes living!
Next frame: Linus walks past the little curly-haired girl.
Last frame: The little curly-haired girl says: Is the doctor in?
Linus says, as he walks away: No, I think she's way out!
I love it!
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A friend called yesterday and asked me how I felt about collaborating
on a book of poems and essays. She'll send a line or two, I'll send her
some thoughts, she'll send another line or two and the process will
go on. She will reciprocate. We discussed a few poems we think
will fit the idea we have for the book, and we have a title. I'm excited.
On that note, I received a rejection from Ploughshares. Just a standard
"Dear Writer" letter. Oh well. It happens.
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I have been so down for so long that I am not sure what it will be like
to be up again. It frightens me in many ways to think about it.
Though I have much work to do to help myself get better, I am
feeling now that I don't have a choice if I want to be around for some
time. I have to take better care of me.
It saddens me that when we are at our most vulnerable, the people
we thought we could trust the most to be there and to hang tight
with us don't do it. It's hurtful. For them to lose sight of all the things
you were before your world came crashing down just makes you
realize they must not have cared the way you thought they did.
That's not an easy thing to accept, but to move on, it has to be
accepted and dealt with.
As Nietzsche says: That which does not destroy us makes us stronger.
I hope that is true.
************************************
A few other Nietzsche quotes:
And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still: you must not want to see everything.
Admiration for a quality or an art can be so strong that it deters us from striving to possess it.
All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses.
And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.
9 comments:
That collaboration thing sounds very cool. I would love to do that some time, but you know, you really need to find just the right person.
I'm excited about it--I hope she follows through!
She's the right person; she just gets a little distracted now and again, so if I can keep her on track, we may have this thing ready to go in the next year.
I miss raking.
Did you say somewhere here on your blog that you found a job?
The sweet potato dish sounds like heaven.
I haven't had pork loin in so long I can't recall what it tastes like.
Someone was cooking steaks out on the grill again an hour ago while I was exercising and the smell of meat cooking while I was sweating almost made me cry.
I know a lot of people gave up on me through my downs and outs. It's hard to hang on, I guess. But then, the more astonishing thing to me is when the really dear friends just kind of fade away, disappear, even when times aren't bad. I find that so hard to accept.
People disappearing has always undone me. I haven't heard from my older brother in 2 years and it's...
there are no words for his choice to disappear like that. And with him, it's always choice. He's the one that does the disappearing when he feels down and out. I guess he'd rather leave than be left.
Ah, me. This life thing, it ain't for sissies, is it?
Thanks for being so generous here on your blog, sharing so much of yourself, your food, your family, your yard, your dog, your music, your poetry. It means a lot to me to know you're here, Maggie.
Laurel,
I still have lots more raking to do, and I have several rakes. You are more than welcome to come help.
:)
The sweet potato dish was good--I'll have to post the recipe.
I think you are right about why people leave and why they hang around. It's pretty taxing to be on the receiving end of someone's down. And, like you, I find it difficult in a different way with those who just drift away, or with those we drift away from.
I am not very close to my brothers. If I didn't make the effort to contact them, I would probably not hear from them. And I don't make the effort much now. I know it must be hard for you to not talk with your brother.
One brother of mine lives in town, but I have not seen him in months. It's hard for me, but I can't make people be what I want them to be. I want them to want to see me and talk to me, but if they aren't feeling that way, they just aren't.
Nope, this life thing ain't for sissies. It sure takes a lot of us.
It means a lot to me that you told me what you did. I have been accused of having the "gift of gab" and I so detest thinking all I do is gab. Your words tell me that I do more--I share--and you appreciate that. I am always glad to see you here and to hear from you.
By the way, I read the poem you had on your site earlier and wanted to tell you how much I liked it. It's strong, Laurel, and solid and so spot on. I hope you put it back up at some point in time.
I hope you have a good night!
That's the part I didn't admit to, the part that I recently told a close friend, about how eventually, you have to learn how to let go.
I let go of my younger brother years ago. It was difficult. He and I were very close when were young. Then he grew up and I grew up and we grew away from each other. I tried to make him keep in touch, but I realized, in my twenties, that he didn't give a damn. So, I decided I didn't either.
With my older brother, it's different. He's maybe one of two or three people in this whole world that really "get" me, that understand who I am and what I am and why I am and love me unconditionally anyway. Which is how I've always felt about him. Until two years ago when he crossed a line that made me feel like maybe....
I had to let go.
It's so hard.
I love him so much. As much as I can love anyone. But I let go.
So, thank you for saying what you said here. It made me feel vastly better about the whole thing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person in the world that isn't super close to my family but you talking about how you feel about your mom, and what you've said just now about your brothers makes me realize that none of us are perfect and none of us have perfect happy families. Didn't some famous writer have a quote about each unhappy family being unhappy in its own away?
Thanks for holding my hand tonight. I needed it more than I can say. I'm used to mostly moving through my life alone. It's nice to know that sometimes I don't have to reach out ineptly; the hand is already there.
(And thanks what you said about the poem; I felt so unsure about it. My writing's been silent lately, and when it does come, it's wobbly.)
It is very nice to see you upbeat Maggie, it made me happier to reading you here, so thank you.
The collab sounds interesting. I do see published poems now and again in mags with two authors.
Ploughshares is a tough one although I enjoy the challenge of trying the tougher markets. The ones that take so long to answer back are more difficult to deal with. I have a group out at one for 127 days so far and they average 179 days to respond. Ya...patence, okay...lol, then after all that, it will get rejected...smiles!
http://calderhawke.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-love-your-blog-award.html
Congrats on the award!
Hi Maggie. I came by your site by way of the talented poet Calder.
This post did several things, at least for me.
It helped bring to mind those who are going without right now. My Aunt's family are in Texas going without power as well.
It reminded me to focus on what is important, what do I care for most if all is stripped away?
Also, I have older relatives that live close by, I can take some time each month to call or visit with them.
Laurel,
My hands are always extended--don't forget that. Even though we've never met, I feel that I know you and am happy that we have continued to stay in contact long after the Melic days.
For as much as it may appear that I don't about moving through life alone, I understand it so well.
As for brothers--man, they can break your heart. My oldest brother and I were so close, but it's been years since we've felt that way. And there so many hurtful things said during my father's illness and death that I am not sure we will ever feel the same way about one another again. We have made out peace, but there are other issues. I always wanted my family to be like my best freind's family--very open, very forgiving, very involved without smothering, very loving--but it wasn't that way at my house, and I just need to remember what you said--the quote from Anna Karenina because it is so true. The best we can do is be available and be who we are and let others be who they are, but sometimes it's a hollow, lonely feeling.
Calder,
I would not say that I am "up" per say, but I would say this: I know where I stand with certain issues now, and I know what I must do. That is so much better than wandering around in the darkness all of the time.
Thanks for the vote, my friend!
lala,
I am so glad you stopped by and hope you will again!
And if anything I mentioned made you think of some things or people,
which or who, are near and dear to you, then I could not be any happier.
Yes, go see those relatives. We never know how much we can grow and learn about ourselves and our families, and sometimes just spending that time with them allows that opportunity to take place.
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