A long list of to-dos


Starting with watering the yard, again. My water
bill is going to be outrageous. It's overcast and we have
a chance of showers today, but I'm not holding my breath.

So, I'll go water. Then I'll go take my walk. Then I'll come
home and shower. Then I'll go to the employment office
for a review of my UI. Then I will prepare for yet another
interview. I am grateful to get the interviews, but it is
disheartening to not get the jobs. I either have too much
education for certain employers, or I have the required
bachelor's but it's not specific enough for them, or I have
the skills but I don't have the master's or it's very plausible
that a certain someone is making sure I don't get a job,
which is a bitter pill to swallow.

I'm so damn tired that I can't even muster any emotion
about it right now. I just know I have much to offer
if someone would just give me the chance. I have worked
for so long that I simply cannot make peace with this being
at home all the time scene. If I could just accept the present,
perhaps then I would just live in the moment and do the things
with this old house I've always wanted to do but never had
the time to do. Or I'd take up watercolors again. Or I'd spend
more time walking trails, journal in my backpack, jotting down
lines or perhaps whole poems. Or I'd be more than a warm
body occupying space when my son comes home from school
or when my friends come to visit or when my husband
gets in from work. I'd be a better gardener. I'd dry some of
my herbs, freeze some of the others, make some oils with some.
I'd perhaps get all the crap cleaned out of the basement and all
the walls complete inside. I'd cook even better meals than I cook.
I would not need to self-medicate every day, earlier and earlier
in the day as time goes on and I feel more and more isolated.

I need to just be.

I feel that I have lost almost 2 years of my life to this inability
to move on and let the past be the past. I am drained emotionally,
physically (largely because I am such a poor sleeper), intellectually,
artistically, and psychologically. I am so not well.

On that note, I shall get off my arse and go water the poor dying
flowers.