43rd wedding anniversary

Today is my 43rd wedding anniversary.  43 years ago, I was a very frightened and confused 17 year old.  I can't say anything other than that right now.

By the way. I ate way too much last night.  I was doing well, and then I grabbed a bag of goldfish and ate the whole bag (350 calories). I was already at 1690, which isn't bad for me. I typically have between 2,000 and 2,500 calories a day. I am trying to eat only 1,500, but I feel okay if I stay between 1,500-1,800 to try to lose 1-2 pounds per week. I am not going to lose it eating 2,000 per day.  I did well Monday. I am trying today. I've had 690 calories so far (that's breakfast and lunch).

It is now 7:48, on this, my 43rd wedding anniversary. I am sitting in front of a computer while my husband watches TV. I am feeling like a failure again because I have consumed too many calories, again, and plan to consume more. I am terribly lonely and wonder what I could have done differently to be a happier person.  I don't know what I can do.  I can lock myself away at night, starting at 5 PM, and not watch a movie or get on Facebook or check email. I would not drink if I did that, and I wouldn't eat much. I want the freedom to choose, but I can't and don't make good choices.  I feel doomed to be this whale of a woman for the rest of my life.  I don't have the words to express what I want to say. I do, but I can't bear the thought of anyone reading them somewhere down the road, so I can't write about how I feel--not here, not in a paper journal, not on FB--nowhere, and I have no one to share my feelings with.  This is what it is to be isolated and to have no meaningful connections to anyone (peer).  I am sad beyond words.