Blah Monday

Woke up at 1:15 and was basically awake until 5:30. I had heartburn. I made the dreadful decision to eat a hamburger at 9:30. I wasn't hungry, mind you. It was more mindless eating after drinking too much.  So, all night I was lying there thinking about the enormity of being me. About how ugly I am. About how some fat women actually look good, but I was never meant to be this big. It doesn't fit my face or body. You can look at me and see I am an average-size person trapped in an extra large body.  I thought about what people would say if they saw me now--people I haven't seen in many years who only remember the normal weight person I once was. I actually do run into people at times in Kroger or WalMart, and they don't know who I am. There is no look of recognition in their eyes. I do not approach them nor try to talk to them.  We simply make eye contact, and I know exactly who they are. but they do not recognize me.  I passed Staci Collins in Wal Mart one day. I looked right at her and smiled and was going to say something until I realized she had no clue who I was. I was overweight when I met her, but I have gained 60 pounds since she last saw me. I weigh 135 pounds more than I did when I got married. You read that right. I am carrying around 100 extra pounds. You read that right. I am appalled. How did this happen? Good lord, please help me.  This is just the most embarrassing and hopeless feeling.  I would look fine at 150-160. I am 259 (or that's what I was the last time I weighed. I think I weigh even more now, and that was just 2 weeks ago).  I am so depressed and feel I can never change.  It's no wonder I always feel bad. A person can't feel good carrying all of that extra weight around. I don't know how Melissa McCarthy does it.

Yesterday was a bad day. I got really angry at Robin. He asked if I was going to Wal Mart (that means to get tequila), and I just lost it. He isn't concerned about the tequila. He just probably wanted to ride with me, but it infuriates me to be asked questions about what I am doing or going to do. He has never been here to do that, and I have not adjusted to him being here all of the time. I don't see anything wrong with me wanting time to myself, but he is always here, and so am I. I suppose if we had enough in common, we would be doing things together and not just sitting here in this house all day.

Goals for today:

Try to not stay in bed even though I am really tired from such little sleep
Try to not hate myself so much
Try to eat/drink no more than 1,500 calories
Brush my hair and my teeth
Wash my face
Sweep
Look for a picture of Robin's car to send to Lauren for something she is going to put on Keen's birthday invitations
Try to work on the stuff in Wes's room
Try to find some hope

Breakfast: 2 1/2 pieces of bacon, scrambled eggs, toast with butter, coffee with creamer (380 calories)
Lunch: Pasta salad with cavatappi pasta, broccoli, celery, roma tomatoes, green pepper, red onion, banana pepper, feta cheese, and Italian dressing (360 calories)
Dinner: Margaritas (548 calories)
Chips:  320 calories

Total calories: 1,600 (that's about 600 less than usual)